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Since my uhwBPD made up a derogatory ditty about me, and sang it to me over and over, as well as played a recording of himself singing it, ad nauseam, I’ve felt I need to walk out and at least get a hotel room for a couple of nights.

First off, I need peace — I need time to myself when he’s at his worst.  It’s incredibly traumatizing. Second, I realize there’ve been no consequences for his outrageous behavior.  I just keep taking it. Yes, I speak up and respectfully share my feelings, but it doesn’t matter.  He just turns it around and makes me the villain.  So he gets to remain untreated and destructive, while I think about asking my PCP for Xanax, so I can  get through a day with this man when he’s out of control. 

It’s not easy being a senior citizen with limited funds.  I’m not broke, and we live comfortably together, but we rely on each other’s income, making it hard for either one of us to leave.  I feel trapped.  So at a minimum, I know I need to give myself breaks from him, and I CAN’T WORRY ABOUT HOW HE’LL REACT. Then, when I’m ready to come back home, I come back and face the music (pardon the pun), no matter what happens.

Really, how disturbed are you when you’re a grown man, repeatedly  singing derogatory songs about your wife.

I think by writing this, I’m trying to give myself the courage and permission to walk out for a while.

Jazzsinger, according to my experience a possible a break away from each other does wonders. The sheer relief as all the responsibilities fall off your shoulders as you walk away for a few days will be huge.
Instead of a hotel, do you have family or friends you could visit for a little while? It is holiday times so it would be acceptable for you to do so in case your husband was to be upset with your actions.

Thanks so much, Townhouse.

Most of my relatives are not aware of my problem, and they live very far away.  Friends who live closer can’t really accommodate me — they live in small apartments.  Plus, I feel I need solitude. I need to have total peace.  I don’t really want to talk to anyone.  I may need to cry.

But your point is well taken. Perhaps I can tell him I’m going on a yoga retreat or to a spa, so that he doesn’t get upset.i’ll think of something.  I really need to take a break.   

Thanks again.

Jazzsinger,

One of the first concrete steps I took was to leave my house and husband in the middle of the night and go to a hotel (for one night). My husband wouldn't let me sleep. He needed to talk. He wouldn't respect my need to sleep. It took a lot of courage for me to walk out that night. I was shaking. I had to do the right thing despite whatever consequence would come from him. Like you, it started with me thinking "I could go stay in a hotel when he won't let me sleep." It also took me standing up for myself (internally) and not excusing his behavior, which is exactly what he always wants me to do. I had to tell myself: wanting sleep is just fine, that's normal, not respecting my need for sleep is not normal.

While it was scary for me, it also was very freeing.