BPDFamily.com

I have just come to the conclusion that my 24 year old adult son has BPD.   He has been avoiding closeness for months. During adolescence he struggled and always was a bit different.  His father has it and we divorced 23 years ago. I never believed my child could inherit his father’s disorder because I naively thought my parenting would save the day.  Boy was I wrong!  Now my son decided I have a narcissistic personality disorder and has cut off all communication.  I understand why he has done it (to avoid pain) but it still hurts.   I am patiently waiting for him to communicate, even though he can be combative.  It’s so hard to love your child when they send out such deep hurtful messages.  I ache knowing that I created a child who is so unhappy and maladjusted.  

Hello Missing You and welcome to the group *welcome*

So much of what you've been through will sound familiar to members here -- divorce from the other parent who has a disorder, odd signs and difficulties over the years, and a realization when your child is 20-something that there's more than "just being a teen" going on.


We so want our love and support to be enough for healing our kids (I'm a stepmom to two; their mom and stepdad both have many PD traits). I read on an adoption blog once something to the effect of: we need to grieve the fact that our love and care cannot heal the past, and our kids will have trauma and will need to work through that on their own.

As far as I'm aware, BPD is currently thought to have both genetic and environmental (nature and nurture) components (https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/what-is-bpd/bpd-overview/) that differ based on the individual. So, it makes sense that as much as you tried to positively parent your S24 (nurture), he may have had a lot of genetic factors in play already. (We have a discussion on causes/risk factors for BPD (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=40148.0) if you want to check that out)


As strange as this may sound, this could be positive that he's still occasionally reaching out (though in a really maladaptive way). Is he texting you these hurtful messages? What have you done in the past, when you've received stuff like that?

And is he living elsewhere (apartment, with friends, etc), holding down a job, in touch with any other family members?

I think you're being wise to pace communication to what he can handle, vs overwhelming him with multiple attempts to reach out and connect on your end. In a way, that shows you're hearing him  underneath all his dysfunction. A "generally normal" adult child would be able to say: "Mom, thanks for your texts -- I'm going to be pretty busy for a while, so I'll only be able to respond about once a week" or "Mom, I need you to know that the amount of calls we're doing is too much for me -- let's call only once every two weeks, instead of every night" or something. He doesn't have that skill set and so uses low-skill communication to get his needs met -- hurtful messages will by default push people away and create space, which it sounds like he needs right now.

As you shoulder all this hurt and grief, do you have a support system around you? Friends, therapist, other family? Coping with BPD is too much for one person to do alone  :hug:

I wanted to join kells76 in saying hello, pull up a chair.  :hi:

It's so sad what brings us here, and at the same time I'm glad you found the site. It's hard to make sense of these behaviors alone without people who have walked in your shoes.

Is your son in contact with his dad? Do you know if he's abusing drugs or alcohol?

Do you have people in your life who can understand what's going on?