BPDFamily.com

I have a friend wbpd. our relationship started off intimate then turned into a friendship. occasionally feelings come through if we are drinking and we have more intimate moments. the day after these events she always pulls away from me. I always send a text appologising for making her feel uncomfortable, she usually comes back with understanding and apologises for her part in it all. we go back to being friends (that text/talk all day long).

We were hanging out having a drink recently. we had a really great day out as friends! as we were walking home she kissed me and i reciprocated and kissed her back. we started to get intimate again until she stopped me and got extremely angry at me for not supporting her enough when she started dating after a recent breakup to which I responded that its because I had feelings for her, she said she had feelings for me too. we brushed the conversation and continued the night..then within minutes I could see it in her eyes she got uncomfortable with me and started to ignore and avoid me.

I sent her a text hoping to talk about everything sober in which she responded she needed time before we could talk. a week past and I decided to reach out to initiate the conversation again. she responded by saying we have had the conversation before and she didn't see any benefit from it. then said she has emotionally disconnected from it and that she doesn't have feelings towards the situation. when I tried to get us back to friends she abruptly told me she didn't want to have this conversation right now.

I don't know what to do here. I just want my friend back but it seems the more I try the more I'm pushing her away.

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Hello ABC123z,

   *welcome*

We are here to listen to you and support you emotionally.

It sounds like you are going through a difficult time with your friend as you want to get closer, and she is tapping the breaks and you find this incredibly frustrating.  You started off romantically; however, right now you find yourself 'friend zoned'.  Am I hearing you correctly?



I will share with you what works with all relationships, including borderline ones.  Focus on your partner's feelings and validating only those feelings and emotions.  Avoid being critical, especially if her facts do not match your perception of the facts - so avoid talking about those, as you should not validate the invalid.  Once a woman feels safe with you, and if she is romantically interested in you, then romance will happen.

However, if you are pushing her away, by being critical, setting unrealistic expectations, she will feel unsafe and shut down, you need to figure out what makes her 'tick' and then do only those things.  It is different for each person.

Can you share with me if she is diagnosed, or if you just suspect her being BPD?

Generally, the more you share, the more we can emotionally support you.

While it is frustrating being in the 'friend zone', in the meantime, please be sure to do some self-care whatever that might look like for you.

Take care.

SD

The simple explanation is to give your friend space. The ball is in their court. Don't pursue any further. The more you pursue the more BS you will deal with and the more hurt you will endure. You focus on you and your own happiness and your friend come to you on their terms. You do not have control here so do not try to micromanage or try to control anything. Just focus on doing YOU and letting the what is work itself out in its own time.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

Welcome Abc,

I don't usually ask about gender because it is so rarely a factor in BPD interactions. However, I noticed that you list your sexuality as bisexual and refer to your friend/romantic partner as "she." If you are also female and your friend/romantic partner is not "out," she may be struggling with her sexuality. That could explain a lot of the push-pull/on again - off again, intimate - friends, type vacillation that sounds like is happening here. It has not been uncommon at all with my friends who are LGBTQ to have a partner who is not out and who waffles back and forth between wanting to be friends and wanting something more as they struggle with their own sexuality.

I'm sorry if the question sounds intrusive. It's just that the more information that we have on the situation, the behavior that is troubling you, and what your goals for the relationship are, the better equipped we are to give advice on how to better your relationship.

HurtAndTired