BPDFamily.com

My (ex?!)partner who has BPD and I just had a baby - she is now a month old.

He and I had a whirlwind romance. He is the first partner I’ve ever lived with or shared Such commitments with. Towards the end of my pregnancy, his ‘reactions’ and episodes of verbal abuse were getting more regular, and I was having to leave where we living at least once a week to stay with friends or family for at least a night or two. This would always result in me going back, things being ok for a few days, then something would trigger him again.

In my regular midwife appointments it became difficult to hide how turbulent our relationship was as I would sometimes turn up crying or having not slept, so she made a referral to social services. He also has a bad drinking problem, which he gradually got more on top of throughout our relationship but it was very much still there. Sometimes I wonder if that is more the issue with him than his BPD.

When I was 9 months pregnant, I ended up not coming back after leaving to stay with family. He had ‘lost it’ one morning, said unforgivable things, flipped furniture and been physically intimidating to the point where I felt unsafe, so I packed a bag and left. After a few days he realised I was not coming back and tried to commit suicide, which I found out from one of his friends who asked me to call an ambulance and go there, which I did. The ambulance workers were concerned about his alcohol use and the way he was around me so late in my pregnancy, so they also made a referral to SS. SS got in contact with me the day after this happened and said he would not be able to have our child unsupervised.

He was kicked out of our accommodation as a result of this and now lives in our old van nearby where I am staying. I wrote him a letter and said if he could get help and work on becoming more stable, we could one day live together and be a family, but until then I would stay living with my family and he could visit and stay as much as he wanted while he worked on himself. But everything has triggered his fear of abandonment so badly that he has completely given up on looking after himself and his behaviour has been incredibly unstable. He was present for the birth of our daughter but hasn’t really been around since then - we now haven’t seen him for weeks.

He texts most days and is saying he can’t cope with the situation/without me and doesn’t see what else he can do but go away and start a ‘new life’, because he needs the stability and I can’t give him that now. I feel desperately sad for him because I know how much he wants a family and because of the way he is he sabotages everything he truly wants. This is not the first time this has happened for him - he’s in his 30s and it seems to have happened once a year for the last decade at least. He is his own worst enemy. I love him so, so much and am struggling to let go. I miss our life together even though it was turbulent, and I am struggling to get my head around the idea of being a single mum.

Any advice would be appreciated!

Hi Purplegiraffe, and a warm *welcome*

First of all, congratulations on your new baby! I bet she's cute  :love-it:

Whirlwind and turbulence sound like good descriptors of your last year or so. That can track with what a relationship with a pwBPD (person with BPD) is like: the good times are really good, and the bad times are really bad. Some people describe it as a rollercoaster.

You've made some wise choices already:


You listened to your instincts there, and kept yourself and your baby safe.  |iiii

It's interesting for me to read that two independent agencies (the midwife and then the EMTs) both saw your situation and both made reports/referrals to social services.

What do you think about that -- that two different groups, who didn't know each other, would both see the same concerns about your situation?

...

Shame is a component of BPD, and facing shame is really difficult for pwBPD. It can be hard for a pwBPD to enter and stick with therapy, as that involves facing shame about who they are and what they've done. However, it is possible, though not always on the timeline that we'd want.

While it's not impossible that your partner might seek treatment one day, it sounds like he isn't there yet. The vibe I'm getting from this:


is that he is blaming/guilting you for his own contribution to the situation -- "if you would just give me stability, then I'd be fine" -- he's putting responsibility for his feelings on you.

I'd be curious if you can see that "FOG" -- Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=72996.0) in his message?

...

It does sound like the challenge in front of you is coping with missing the good times while focusing on what's best for your baby. She needs stability, predictability, safety, and reliability, most crucially so in her first two years of life, and from what you've described of her dad, it doesn't sound like he is capable of providing that for her right now. Her safety is paramount -- I wonder if that can be your guiding light as you find a path forward.

...

Support is also critical when we're navigating having a pwBPD in our lives.

Are you still seeing your midwife for a bit after your D's birth? If not, maybe she has some good referrals for a doula service, or post-birth helpers?

How is the support from your family? Which family members are you living with (mom, dad, siblings...)?

...

So glad you're here, and again congrats on your daughter! Keep us posted on how things are going;

kells76

Thank you so much for your reply. I think, when the second referral was made, I almost felt a weight lift from my shoulders. The first referral resulted in a home visit from a social worker which my pwBPD was upset about, and I got a lot of blame for 'crying to my midwife'. But I had no part to play in the second referral - it was solely down to him - so it's made me realise I'm not overexaggerrating and it's also been a lot easier to relay the information to him that he can't have our D unsupervised. I still hurt for him having to share this information, as I know how much he just wants to be 'normal', but I don't think he feels it's possible for him to be. My heart is constantly breaking for him.



Ah, that makes a lot of sense (FOG) - I can see it. The interesting thing is, he has been seeing a private counsellor that I found for him since summertime last year. But what I have realised is that the counsellor only knows him based on what he has told her, and he seems to believe in an alternate version of events. I think he rewrites the story of things in his mind as a way to avoid the shame of the reality.

He really enjoys his counselling sessions, and whilst I have seen a change in him in some ways (he is more consistently in touch with his family and places less blame on them, where in the past his relationship with them was more turbulent and he'd go months and months with them all blocked from his phone/life), his behaviour towards me has never changed. I don't know if this is because he isn't truly honest with his counsellor, or himself, about his abusive behaviour towards me. I know once he has said that he doesn't like being told by me he is 'abusive', because it makes him feel he is a bad person, so there's no point in trying to change.


Thank you for this. I think now it is all almost 'out of my hands' because of SS involvement, it makes it easier to make decisions in our D's best interests. I wasn't strong enough to do that on my own. In almost every interaction I have with him, I try to point him towards seeking help, with his drinking and his BPD. I wish more than anything he would not just admit defeat as he is doing and would put the work in to change, but maybe he is right in thinking it isn't possible. I guess I have seen examples of him being stable, and those are what I hang on to.

My head is all consumed with worries and love for him which sometimes makes it difficult to be present with my D.



I have a health visitor who comes every few weeks, and I recently subscribed to BetterHelp for some online counselling. When I was living with my pwBPD, I was so busy being 'the stable one', working, cooking, and trying to deal with his outbursts, I didn't notice the impact it was having on me. I'd been depressed and lonely before meeting him, and I felt in a sense that he saved me from that, because we were together all the time and I was suddenly too busy to deal with my depression. Now I am alone with my D most of the time, I'm depressed again and feel I have lost my purpose. So I know I need support more than ever. Discovering this website came at a good time!

Since life began to feel unsafe, it was smart of you to separate.  Although in a healthier relationship you wouldn't face such trauma, now that you know he has dysfunctional, unhealthy and even dangerous behaviors, think twice or even thrice before ever pondering a reunion.

In these relationships where BPD behaviors are a concern, always remember this factoid:  The person can claim to be behaving better but it is only because of the distance apart and not any real change for the better.  Why?  BPD is a disorder most impacting of close relationships.  When you're not close then you may hope he's improved but that quite likely is only due to the distance apart.  Real and lasting change takes a lot of time, even years, and huge effort.  He can't just attend a few sessions and claim he's all better.  He would have to accept therapy and diligently apply it in his life and perceptions.  That's not an overnight change.  If fact, if you'd ask most here we would admit most of us never saw meaningful improvement.  Not saying he can't or won't do it but to succeed takes guts, determination and a lot of time.

Update: last night he sent a particularly horrid message and then blocked me.

I only have 1 more week to register our D’s birth, and it’s looking almost certain that he won’t be present for that, so won’t have his name on her birth certificate as her father. This makes me really sad, that this is the path he’s chosen. But maybe it’s for the best.

I’m sure it’s likely he’ll unblock me. I wish even if he couldn’t have a close relationship with me because of his BPD, that he could still find a way to be in our daughters life. I feel one day she will want to know him, anyway.

His family are devastated that this has happened, and still want to be involved with our D. I think this will be a challenge as he will have an issue with it and will probably accuse them of taking sides. They are really lovely people.

I’m glad you have the support of his family. That will be good for your daughter as she grows, whether or not he shows up in her life in the future.

Sadly, there are times when life is not as wonderful as we wish it.  On the bright side you have a wonderful baby and nice people surrounding you.  Her father is a problematic person.  Whether he will get his act together and improve someday, no one can predict.  Right now you need to proceed wisely with what you know and what you have. :hug:

Thank you for your replies. There has been some development, still.

I was unblocked a few days ago and he sent me more messages about the birth certificate and that if he wasn’t on it then he would prevent his family being involved as it meant my D ‘wasn’t his’.

I ignored these messages and have sought out legal advice on the implications of having him on the BC. My meeting with the solicitor is tomorrow. He has since messaged again (for the 6th time now!) demanding I answer him about the BC.

I have drafted so many messages to send him, saying that as he hasn’t acted as her father at all so far it doesn’t make sense to list him on the BC, and that if he decided to play a more active role in our D’s life he can always be added to it. And also saying how concerned I am that he’s asked 6 times about being on her BC, but not once now she is or when he can visit her…

But I haven’t sent it and am putting it off until after my meeting tomorrow. I have a feeling that as soon as he finds out he’s not on the BC, he will use that to justify a) hating my guts and b) not having any involvement in our D’s life and it all being my fault.

Option C) worries me - that he might take me to court and things might get nasty.

Somehow despite all of this I STILL feel compassion towards him, but it does ebb and flow.

Purplegiraffe,

   I hear you, and it sounds like you are very worried and scared right now.  I think your plan of waiting to answer him until after you talk to your 'solicitor' is a good one.

   If he persist in keeping on pestering you on this today, answer with a simple BIFF style text (Brief, Informational, Factual, and Friendly).  Perhaps something along the lines of "I am very overwhelmed right now, and I am working through my feelings, I will have an answer for you later on in the week.  Until then, please be patient with me."  Set the 'later on in the week' to a day after you have spoken to your solicitor, so you can process what the solicitor has said, and then share with him what you choose to do so in a manner consistent with your needs, being mindful that if he is indeed the father, he should be part of this as much as you don't want it.  You will need to set boundaries on what you are and are not willing to allow.  Each country has its own sets of laws/rules, so it is important to understand what his rights are as a father are and how you are going to navigate that within your countries rules for the best interest of your child and yourself.

   If might be helpful, prior to you meeting the solicitor, make a list of questions (written down) to help clarify your options with the solicitor.

   Be sure to do self-care in this time of stress for you.

   Take care.

SD

 

This is a good idea - I have been struggling with knowing what to say when I haven't yet made a decision. In recent contact with him, anything I say regardless of how friendly or bland it is seems to give ammunition to him responding with something manipulative and/or volatile.

 
Research I have done so far indicates that if he is on the BC, he has 'parental responsibility'. This means I will in the future have to get his permission from him for our D's medical procedures, schooling, where we live/who we live with and any time we wish to go abroad. Now I don't know if he's yet aware of this, but taking into consideration his controlling nature think it could be problematic for me and our D in the long run.

I'd like to communicate to him that not being on the BC does not mean he's not her Dad, even if he might think of it that way, and the door is open for him to see her and have a relationship at any time. He can also be added to it at any time if he does choose to be more involved and becomes more stable, reliable and predictable.

I will wait for clarification from the solicitor - really I am hoping she will disprove my research and tell me it wouldn't be so bad to have him on there, as it would make life easier for me not to suffer his reaction, but it's doubtful...

Thank you  :)

An interesting perspective is whether anything can be undone if future behavior changes.

If he's not on the BC and he later gets therapy and you trust he really has improved, I suspect a BC can be amended.

If he is on the BC and he continues his obstructive or negative ways, it would be exceedingly difficult if not impossible to take him off.

Perhaps your solicitor can comment on that premise.

That is very true and a good point. To add him on is simply a case of reregistering with us both present and a fee of £90. It would not be possible to take him off as far as I know. I think he could have his parental responsibility removed through court if he posed a threat to the welfare of our D.

It still feels alien to be thinking of everything 'legally', when he is still someone I love and care for and had every intention of raising our child alongside, but I guess when there is a child involved you have to put your sensible and emotion-free hat on.

That is a question to clarify with the solicitor before you move forward.  You need to look at what is best for your child first and foremost.

Our membership is in the thousands.  Admittedly, most in the past have had their issues addressed to some extent and moved on.  But still, I believe it is quite rare, only a very small percentage, to have managed to have the problem parent's parental responsibility or parental involvement removed through court if the welfare of the children were at substantial risk.  Essentially rare.  The abuse would have to be that extreme, the danger that high.

So my perspective is that you don't assume you can easily unparent someone, the court systems are usually set up to resist such an outcome if at all possible.

Well, after all of this, he has now decided to travel this weekend to the country where his S lives to meet with him, after no contact with him for a decade. Apparently he is interested to meet his Dad.

If I zoom out of me and our D’s lives, in a way I could see it as a positive. Throughout my pregnancy, he brought up his S more and more and it was clearly on his mind because of the similar memories. I thought then and when our D was born and he disappeared, that he was probably unlikely to be able to have any sort of relationship with her until he dealt with the guilt of not being a father to his S. So I’m not sure if in the long run it is potentially a positive thing.

But at the same time, I am honestly not sure if this is all to get back at me, in some horribly twisted way, as obviously I feel devastated for my D (and myself!). Why only now after a decade when he now has a baby right in front of him to parent? All I can do is write hypothetical letters to him about how I feel and toss them away, because I know it is pointless to tell him how I feel or how he’s affected me or our child as he cannot see beyond his own narratives/feelings.

I’m aware I need to focus on just me and D now, but also that I am still stuck in the unhealthy relationship cycle with him. Though I have stuck to my boundaries with his contact with her and not handed him over control, he still has complete control over my emotional state. We saw him yesterday briefly and he messaged afterwards that it was amazing to feel like we were a ‘real little family’ for a moment, and despite not admitting it to anyone my heart broke with how much I want that. I feel like a mess really.

PurpleGiraffe,

   Thank you for sharing about your feelings.

   I did notice earlier you mentioned about being depressed before your pwBPD, and since your D is only a month old, I would like to remind you to be mindful of the possibility of postpartum depression - be sure to take care of your emotional health first as it sounds like you are really conflicted about having a 'little family' with your pwBPD.  If you have your own individual therapist, I would recommend talking to them, or making an appointment for one if you don't.

   Do you know if your pwBPD, is going to see his S and your pwBPD's own individual therapist (T) is aware of this and if this T endorses this visit?  I am thinking aloud, he is visiting his S to see what he has missed in the past decade or so, it might be to see if he is willing to be a real 'dad' to his both his children, or if he becomes to scared of being engulfed by his emotions that he cannot deal with being a 'dad' and will once again be an absentee 'dad'.  What do you think of this theory?

   Perhaps you will get some indication, one way or another after this weekend if your pwBPD will be in your D's life or not.  I know this is a scary prospect for you either way.  If he is going to be in your life, it can be a minimum of 18 more years or more.  So, you will need to be able to manage both your D, and your pwBPD who is arrested emotionally at a child's level - in essence you will be managing two children, one in an adult's body.

   Regarding the 'hypothetical letters', if you do write them, I would suggest keeping them, and not throwing them away.  If appropriate, you might want to share those with him at a later point in time on how you are feeling (even though a pwBPD's thought patterns diverge from what we would perceive) or you can reflect on how you were feeling at this point in time somewhere in the future when you might need to be reminded of this.

   I agree with you that you need to focus on yourself and D right now.  Please be kind to yourself, and do self-care, whatever that might look like for you right now - this will give you more energy and stamina to go through what you are going through right now.

   Keep coming back, and keep sharing.  You will get through this one way or another.

   Take care.

SD

 
Thank you, I really agree. I recently started seeing a BetterHelp therapist, it’s still very days but so far she has been great.

   
I know the subject of whatever happened with his S is something he and his T discuss a lot. It’s difficult for me to know if his T endorses the visit as he and I no longer live together and our communication is minimal nowadays, but I would imagine his T has recommended it. Interesting point that I hadn’t thought about before! I know they talk twice a week and that he really confides in her. I would be really interested to see if, now his S is a teenager, it would give him a very different angle of what it means to be a Dad than what he experienced when he was still involved and very young. When he and I spoke about him getting back in touch with his S, he always said he wanted to ‘give his side of the story’, which I said probably wasn’t the best motivation for meeting up after a decade of no contact… hopefully his T has managed to get through to him about that.



You are right completely, it would be like having two children… Things have changed somewhat AGAIN today (I cannot believe how much happens daily). My pwBPD asked if I could update him on what I was doing and how our D was (this is the first time since her birth he’s asked for that). I said I was happy to update him if he asked but wasn’t going to go out of my way, that it was his choice to go away and I needed to focus on me and our D.

I was initially pleased he’d shown an interest but realised if I agreed to provide updates that I was locked into that agreement in a way, and he had something ‘against me’ if I didn’t. I’m sad I have to think in this way, but was proved right by his very nasty response, that he was pleased to have a ‘record’ of him asking for updates and me refusing (I didn’t refuse  :( ) and that he was ‘concerned’ I was unfit to look after a baby, and many other abusive things. I said I had decided to block him as was finding communication difficult and that if he wanted updates on our D he’d have to go via his parents, who agreed to be a port of contact for us now.

I’m sad, but in a way think this is for the best, and will really determine if he truly wants to be a Dad. Big day for me and D

No, you didn't "refuse," this is how he is changing the facts to match his feelings, and it becomes a false narrative.  You did set a boundary, and you followed through and enforced it.  If it is in text, be sure to keep the texts (don't delete) this way you can refute his narrative if you need to if and when he takes it to the authorities.

Any communication you have with him this point forward, assume it will be read by authorities, keep it BIFF - brief, informational, factual, and friendly (polite).  Be responsive; however, let him hang himself with his own narrative.  Think before you hit [send], that it cannot be used or twisted against you.

Instead of blocking his texts, mark it as SPAM or allow his texts not to notify you if you put the phone in DND (do not disturb), make sure he is on the DND list, that way you don't see it when it comes in, but you will have a record of it, depending on how your specific texting app works, be sure it doesn't delete it after a time, when you are ready to read his 'venom' - the more you can document his instability, the better off you will be.  My wife hates texts for this very reason, as she cannot change her version of the 'facts'.

I find it very ironic how he is casting out that you are unfit, when he had not visited his son for all of those years.  I suspect he is planning for some kind of confrontation with you, please plan for the worst case scenario, and watch your back around him if he is making those kinds of allegation of being 'unfit'  red-flag - take it very seriously, as he may be planning to do something bad.

If questioned on why your phone was on DND - perhaps use the excuse  'the baby was sleeping/resting, I didn't want to wake/disturb her.'

Take care & watch your back.

SD

Thank you so much for all your tips - I’ll be following all of them. I keep thinking how did it get so nasty, so quickly… it feels like overnight he has gone from someone I love to someone I fear. But I think it has been more gradual than I realise from being ‘in it’, and it’s also because I’ve been firmer with boundaries now I have a child.

When you say ‘something bad’, dare I ask what you mean? Do you mean something within the court system, or in terms of our safety?
I certainly do get the impression he has some sort of game plan. I always used to think his threats were empty, but I’m now not so sure.
We are supposed to be meeting him and his parents tomorrow in a café - I am bringing someone too. I am hoping it is cancelled and doesn’t go ahead after today, in the past he would have always cancelled in this sort of scenario, but I just don’t know anymore.

You might want to record your meeting with him and his parents. Perhaps whomever you bring with you can discreetly record.

More than likely the court system - from what you have shared, and it is only your viewpoint I am looking at, by calling you an 'unfit' mother, there is a reasonably good chance he and/or his parents are looking for primary custody of your baby.  However, if he has a temper, and he is denied, it could easily escalate into a 'safety' issue.

BPD men generally seek primary custody to punish the woman, and when they achieve it, the kids are usually neglected (90% probability).  However, if his parents (look towards the mom) if they also are PD'd, they will see your baby as an extension of themselves.

If he has 'threatened' something, it is on his mind, and if you stress him out enough, there is a better chance he will follow through on that threat.

The good thing is that you are meeting him and hit parents at a public café, so if he does something stupid, there will be a lot of witnesses, and you are bringing someone with you, and that is good.  Do not meet him alone, at this point, until you feel safe, follow your 'gut' on this.

If he is saying a series of lies about you in front of his parents...  do not raise your voice, stay cool, calm, and collected - don't let him anger you to the point where you lose your cool.  Simply state "that is not true", without an explanation, unless they ask, and then coolly explain in a BIFF manner (brief informational factual and friendly) citing facts that support your position.  If you don't know, or don't want to answer a specific question(s), state you will get back to them on this, as you still need to sort your feelings out.  Avoid assigning blame, only validate the valid (feelings), and do not validate the invalid, especially a false narrative.

Being mindful most parents will side with their child, even if they are in the wrong.  Rely on the person you are bringing to be on your side and hopefully they will not be swayed by the parents - only you can do what is best for you.

Now, since you have thought of safety - your personal safety might be an issue, it is a good idea to have a safety plan in place, here is a link to an example one:  https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf  Hopefully you won't need to impliment any portion of this document; however, if you do, you will have some idea on what to do.

I also 2nd the recording of the meeting, this way you can get a good idea what they are planning - do ask questions if you are not clear as to their intent.  Most people love to blab, especially if they have little to no practice at this.  If anything is contradictory, ask for clarification, have your friend pay attention for this too, and have them communicate this to you.  The recording will help you if they choose to gaslight you later on, and this way if you miss something in the moment you can review it later and see more of what they are saying.

If you have any additional questions, ask.

Take care & watch your back.

SD

I can't begin to count the times my ex said something false or inflammatory that I didn't have the better response to until hours later even that night while I lay sleepless ruminating over and over about the incident.

If you don't know what to say in response, say you'll respond later.  They often demand immediate responses because they don't want to give you time to think about what to say.


Do not record in a way that inflames the situation, you don't want recording to cause an incident.  I often had my voice recorder (long before today's cell phones) in my shirt pocket.

I found that my court was mostly disinterested in recordings, there was too little time to present it.  Besides, they assumed most couples were simply bickering and expected the emotions to die down eventually.

Thank you both.

The meeting was… ok. He and I barely communicated or made eye contact - his parents and I got along well and I was happy for them to have some time with D though it was all a bit awkward. It was cut short after literally about 20 minutes when he started making it apparent they were leaving.

Towards the end he criticised the way I was dressing her, and as I was flustered and wanting to leave I did lose my cool a bit and make a retort (I think I said something like “i’ve been doing fine so far” indicating his lack of involvement). I regret this. After his  messages saying I was incapable of looking after our D yesterday, it just pushed me over the edge. The atmosphere quickly went sour, I said to his M I wanted to get away from him before anything escalated and left promptly with D, taking deep breaths but finding it hard to keep my cool.

Later on I received a text from his M who said he hadn’t meant any criticism by his comment, and that he’d said I seemed ‘touchy but I often was when I hadn’t had much sleep’. I was pretty upset as he’s completely twisted the situation to look like I was overreacting, and of course because he is her S she will side with him, which I understand. Even if I was overreacting and ‘touchy’, I honestly don’t know how I couldn’t be annoyed at him at this point.

I do believe now he has no way to contact me directly and he is going away very soon (I don’t think he has bought a return ticket for his travels) he will lose interest and move on to someone new, who can offer him somewhere to live, some TLC and some stability. Discovered it was all 99% certainly a lie (fantasy?) anyway that he’d arranged to see his S.

I still love him and found it hard not to show that and to stay reserved during the meeting, and I am sad it hasn’t worked out us being a family. I think him lashing out today is actually because he is sad about that too. I have this lingering feeling that this isn’t the end and some trouble is yet to come, but for now I have to focus on me and D the best I can.

PurpleGiraffe,

   Thank you for the update.


The meeting was… ok. He and I barely communicated or made eye contact - his parents and I got along well and I was happy for them to have some time with D though it was all a bit awkward. It was cut short after literally about 20 minutes when he started making it apparent they were leaving.

   This sounds like a pretty short meeting, and was very awkward with him which ended prematurely.


Towards the end he criticised the way I was dressing her, and as I was flustered and wanting to leave I did lose my cool a bit and make a retort (I think I said something like “i’ve been doing fine so far” indicating his lack of involvement). I regret this. After his  messages saying I was incapable of looking after our D yesterday, it just pushed me over the edge. The atmosphere quickly went sour, I said to his M I wanted to get away from him before anything escalated and left promptly with D, taking deep breaths but finding it hard to keep my cool.

   I  know if I am criticized it would make me very defensive.  You set a boundary, and enforced it, and I understand and support your perspective on this.


Later on I received a text from his M who said he hadn’t meant any criticism by his comment, and that he’d said I seemed ‘touchy but I often was when I hadn’t had much sleep’. I was pretty upset as he’s completely twisted the situation to look like I was overreacting, and of course because he is her S she will side with him, which I understand. Even if I was overreacting and ‘touchy’, I honestly don’t know how I couldn’t be annoyed at him at this point.

   You have every right to feel the way you felt - those are your feelings.  It is unfortunate that he was able to twist your words and behaviours to make it look like you were overreacting, and described you as being 'touchy'.  I seem to recall that you were going to bring a friend along, what was your friend's opinion of this interchange?


I do believe now he has no way to contact me directly and he is going away very soon (I don’t think he has bought a return ticket for his travels) he will lose interest and move on to someone new, who can offer him somewhere to live, some TLC and some stability. Discovered it was all 99% certainly a lie (fantasy?) anyway that he’d arranged to see his S.

   This is an interesting development.  What leads you to believe this to be factually true.  His mother is involved, so even if he does leave, what kind of involvement do you think you will have with her?  There is an expression about making 'assumptions' and the outcome is not good - it would be good to find out for sure if your beliefs about him not returning and losing interest are factually accurate - do not under-estimate this especially as his mother has his back.

   Regarding seeing his S, I too found that hard to believe; however, it sounded nice at the moment, as past behaviors are usually indicative of future ones.


I still love him and found it hard not to show that and to stay reserved during the meeting, and I am sad it hasn’t worked out us being a family. I think him lashing out today is actually because he is sad about that too. I have this lingering feeling that this isn’t the end and some trouble is yet to come, but for now I have to focus on me and D the best I can.

   I agree with your 'gut' feeling, and there is some trouble yet to come, as you put it.  Please make sure you are prepared for what he and his mother might try next.  What are your thoughts on this?

   Please be sure to do some self-care.  Take care.

SD

Annoyingly this happened at a point where my friend wasn't present. Would have loved to have gotten her take on it.

 
You are right that was a heck of an assumption (probably made slightly hopefully and to try and protect myself). There's been (and I probably shouldn't be surprised by this at this point) another development. He has gotten in touch by email to say that he doesn't want to put his M in the middle of us, that he's sad we can't work things out and asking me to unblock him, amongst other things. I have spoken to his M directly, and after seeing her and chatting to her about it I sincerely believe she is a really good person in a difficult position, and does have mine and my D's best interests at heart. But we have agreed it probably isn't the best idea for her to be in the middle, so I've agreed to provide biweekly updates on D to him by email, as long as the emails stay pleasant. We will see how this goes for a while, but it may result in court in the end.


I have been trying to take my mind off things, but am filled with constant anxiety and feelings of dread for whatever comes next, and also sadness from how things have turned/are turning out. I can tell I haven't let go yet as it certainly pulled at my heart strings hearing he wanted to work things out. In all honesty, I feel lost somewhere between my head and my heart. I feel I am oscillating between thinking logically/sensibly, and emotionally/sentimentally, not helped by my hormones and sleep deprivation from being a new mother.

I keep thinking back to his claim he was going have a reunion with his son he had 10 years ago.  Then it fizzled?

Do you have any idea whether it was his choice to walk away back then, or the child's mother who nixed it?  I ask because if he was the one to exit, then that may still be his parenting "comfort zone".  No way to know how much he's changed in the past decade, whether he would still be inclined to walk away, but it's something to ponder.

While it's in no way a factor in all cases, but if a parent walks away (as an example, such as more interested in adult relationships than parenting) it is more likely to be the father.

If you feel that this will eventually wind up 'in court in the end' - whatever you say and do in those e-mails, make sure you think things through, as they can be admitted into evidence to further twist things to his perspective.  Be the parent with solutions, and be the reasonable parent, focus on the positive aspects of your parenting.  If he doesn't keep in 'pleasant' do maintain a reasonable boundary that you will be treated with respect, and if you cut him off for any reason, give a BIFF style explanation that the court could support your side, and resume blocking.

Regarding his mum, follow your gut on this - if something doesn't seem right verify it - just keep your eyes open for any signs of manipulation.



I agree with you.  I would recommend using the wise-mind tool (first selection from the tool menu above) to figuring things out for you.  Only you can look after yourself, and your child the best.

Take care.

SD

This is something I wonder a lot, as I have only heard things from his side and often, things don’t add up. According to him, she left him but he continued to try and be involved with their S for years after from afar, and eventually she just sort of phased him out with new partners who ‘replaced’ him. With me he has been very possessive and jealous of other men, so I imagine he was the same then. I’ve always had the impression he’s never really gotten over the whole thing. He frequently brought it up and I sometimes caught him checking both her and their S’ social media. I wish I had more details on it all to be honest, although I’m not sure if it would help. But it would be good to know if there was ever any involvement from the authorities for example. I could ask his M but I am sure she also doesn’t know the full picture, or only a certain version of it.

I don’t think he has changed much in that decade, as it seems like the same outcome is repeating with me and our D, as back then. My counsellor thinks that he might be considering reengaging with his S now as he is likely an impressionable teenager that he might be able to swoop in like a ‘hero’ figure and influence.

What you say about being more interested in adult relationships than parenting is also likely true. I have often wondered why he wanted to have a baby so much, as after I left he said he understood that it needed to be all about the baby now, but that he was devastated to have lost his ‘greatest carer and saviour’. In all honesty if it wasn’t for our D I would have stayed and persevered in trying to understand his BPD, but I know I wouldn’t be able to be both his carer and bring up a child - it wouldn’t have been right for our D and she comes first.

Thank you!

As one of our members posted, offhand I don't recall which one, he said that he knew when his ex was lying, it was when she opened her mouth. :(

Now, maybe it's not as bad as that with other members, after all BPD and many other mental health issues are spread across a spectrum with some less severe than others, but the point is that part of the behavior pattern is to be very self-centered in their perceptions and stories.

So you may never learn what is truth and what is story unless you get to speak to that boy's mother.  (No, probably best not to seek her out unless there is a need.)  He would surely recount things in such a way to claim she left him due to her issues, not his issues.  After all, no one likes to look bad.  It's just that people with acting-out PDs have it to an unbalanced extreme.

Well since I suggested about providing updates on D by email whenever requested and sending bi-weekly photos, I’ve heard absolutely nothing. It’s been a good week I think.

I am trying to come to terms with the fact he may well have finally given up, after I have not accepted his request for me to unblock him, but still can’t shake the lingering feeling that something else is yet to come.

I hope soon it will start to feel easier to exit this limbo and move on with my life. I have this fear that I won’t be able to let go of it all and he might finally have a wake up call, sober up, get proper treatment and renter our D’s life in a new, more stable relationship.

This shows you where his priorities are, "nothing". 



Follow your 'gut' feeling on this, you must always keep this in the back of your mind, have a plan ready, if that 'something else is yet to come'.  In the meantime, try not to dwell on it too much, and live your life with your baby the best you can, as only you can take care of yourself and your child the best.



If he is truly has a personality disorder, this is 'wishful thinking' and is unlikely to happen.  However, if it does, like the 'something more to come' feeling that you have, please make sure you have some kind of plan in place if and when this does happen.

Be sure to take care with self-care.

SD