BPDFamily.com

Hi I'm hoping you might be able to help me with my situation.

Recently, I've been NC (2020-2021), then LC this past year with my 'Queen' mother. I made the decision two weeks ago to stop hiding and being silent and to instead communicate my boundaries. This way I'd at least know I stood up for myself, no matter what happens.

I sent her a text clearly outlining a boundary around needing respect and that her specific behaviour is unacceptable. I got some good tips from the Eggshells book and from using Non-Violent Communication. My psychologist validated that this was a clear and fair communication.

I received a text back from my mum two days ago and, as expected, she didn't address my concerns at all, or the boundary issue. She gave her own explanation of things as she saw them. Her message consisted of the usual that you "have a lack of respect and empathy for our family unit". She also said "I understand your need to express your feelings. I tend to suppress mine in an effort to not damage our relationship". I could go on, but I want to keep out of that muck. The message would make sense if read by an outsider with no context, but to me it was the same old narcissistic bs i've always heard: "I'm right, you're wrong". I felt an old familiar set of feelings too: bewildered and off-centre when I received her texts, as she turned a logical request into some kind of warped reality.

This time I haven't sent a reply yet and I don't intend to engage her in her pig-pen by having a fight. But I do want to reply in a way that honours me and my boundaries. I honestly don't care if I continue a relationship with her, I just want to do this right by me and not reduce myself anymore. It really hurts my self esteem. I also wanted to see if this relationship could work but it's not really looking that way.

Being two weeks in to setting my boundaries with her in active text based communication (only a few), i'm worn out already.

Does it get easier setting boundaries and engaging with your BPD/NPD mother or family member? Has it been worth it?

Or,

Have you decided to go NC after trying boundaries? Why did you call it a day?

I guess I'm trying to understand what's going on in me, and what's possible. I didn't want to continue my own fantasy of trying to change her, but i'm wondering if any of this is actually worth it...

Thanks - I'd appreciate your advice.

10TT

I think it's common to present another person with your boundaries in words. The issue is- if someone doesn't respect boundaries, then saying them isn't likely to be effective. Boundaries can be a request- like you did but actually, boundaries are for us, and are up to us to act upon.

Boundaries reflect our own value system. They may not result in someone not violating them. We aren't in control of someone else's behavior. They determine what we do if someone violates our boundaries.

You might say "don't use cruel words when you speak to me". The other person can still choose to speak to you however they wish to.

A boundary is what you will do:

When BPD mother is verbally abusive, what I will do is___________________(could be to get off the phone, leave the room)

Most likely, BPD mother will see things from victim perspective. You can see this in her response to your email.

For yourself ( not to share with BPD mother, you already did that)- reframe your boundaries in terms of you.

When BPD mother does _____________ I will do this________________

Then take action when she does violate them. I found that action is more effective than words. This doesn't mean I am rude to her. For instance if she begins being verbally abusive or starts drama on the phone, I can politely say "I have a meeting at work now, I need to hang up and go" or "there's someone at the door - I will talk to you later".

Being NC or LC is a choice but you can act on your own boundaries either way.

I don’t think her response warrants a reply from you because she is shaming you—“ you have a lack of respect and empathy  for our family unit.”

I think it’s possible for her behavior to change with you as she learns that you will step away when she treats you that way. Do you have siblings? Where do they stand?