BPDFamily.com

 I have been wrestling with my wife's BPD for three months after she was diagnosed after a suicide attempt. Horrible time as we are only six months married. After another outburst by her last week, she asked me to leave so I am out on my own in a place where I know nobody. There is no timeline on how long. She said I also have to work on me but not so sure on what. Anyhow. I think I should be silent now and let her come back to me ? That's what my intuition is. She has to show me that she wants to work on our marriage and get help.
I am left to just hang out here which is just horrible. She sent me away for the holidays too and then half way through them, said she was thinking about me. Like she had done nothing wrong. Also last week she cried for the first time on the phone and apologized which was huge but next day was cold when I collected the last of my stuff. I think I need to be silent now and wait ? Please advise thanks :-)

Hello and welcome to the forums.  Most of us have been in this identical situation and understand how impossible it seems when everything blows up.  So for now, I'll ask- what specifically do you need immediate support with?

First, what your wife is going through.  BPD in the most basic terms is being emotionally unstable and unable to deal with relationships when there's a hint of things going wrong.  Your wife is self-sabotaging this by overthinking everything and arriving to non-logical conclusions.  Her emotions are running wild and the words coming out of her mouth can seem perplexing, but it's because she's feeling every possible emotion so intensely (love, fear, rage, jealousy, fear again, etc.). 

That's why you can get an "I love you" one minute and "I hate you" a minute later; each are true in that particular moment of instability.  It's like being on a rollercoaster if you don't really like rollercoasters....this is awesome...I hate this...I think I'm going to puke...that was awesome, let's do it again!

For your direct question- do you engage or stay away?  That's impossible to answer because your wife is on the rollercoaster right now.  Reaching out shows that you don't respect her feelings.  Not reaching out shows that you don't care.  Regardless of what you do, it proves her right in her emotional state.

So I'd just say that if you are going to reach out, make it count.  Don't argue and keep the focus on moving forward.

For your other question- how do you work on yourself?  That's something we can answer.  Your relationship has been traumatic and you've taken a lot of blame through "alternative viewpoints".  Work through that and arrive at your own conclusions.  If you were wrong, apologize.  If you weren't wrong...well, apologize anyway for not being more supportive.  The early goal is to get to where you can communicate without playing the blame game.

Also, take time for yourself in this waiting period.  Read a book, visit old friends, go to the gym, or pick up an old hobby.  Consider this "you time" for healing and self-reflection, to help you gain new perspectives.

I hope that helps and please, feel free to ask questions for the community to answer!

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I will just be supportive to my wife and tell her that I love her and want to work things out with her. That's all I can do and just wait to see if she works on herself and gets to a better place for us to engage in marriage counseling. Despite what my family is telling me, I am not ready to give up.

I would give her space and respond to her when she contacts you... and I would keep those contacts friendly and not relationship oriented unless she brings it up. Brief is better. If she texts 10 words, give her a similart sized response. The objective is to get the lines of communication open.

Nothing can be accomplished until the drama tamps down and you both can talk easily.

As for the bigger picture, what is your situation. You mentioned "in a place where I know nobody". Whats going on here.

Do you know much about BPD?

Thanks Skip. Great advice. I will hunker down and work on myself and give her space. My councilor said the same thing. She stated that "J" (my wife)wants me to be more secure and confident. She said this will draw her more in once she's healthier. Time will tell.
As far as bigger picture. I have moved into a town in MD. I know nobody here. I was lucky to get a nice place via a teacher friend. The place is warm and cosy so a good place to recover and gain my sanity back after the roller coaster ride. I am reading up alot about BPD and just bought the book about stop treading on eggshells. How to take your life back etc

Thanks for your support.  :)

Take a look at this article - and the video:
https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

A good book for your specific situation is:
Loving a Person with Borderline Personality.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/book-reviews

Not far from DC... lots to do there.

Welshman,

I'm sorry about all you and your wife have been through.

You mention your intuition. Congratulations! Most of us in BPD relationships either didn't trust our intuition to begin with or had it gradually eroded away through gaslighting or other techniques that make us question or second-guess ourselves. Your intuition is your guiding light. Keep listening to it! It is full of wisdom.

zondolit