BPDFamily.com

I am wondering if anyone has experience - and success - encouraging (or limit-setting) a spouse - or in my case, a spouse from whom I've been separated, but with whom I have two children - to get help.  He pulled out of couples therapy multiple times with different therapists.  He has ended his own therapy a couple of times - either immediately or after a few sessions and in one case, after a few months, however, this therapist was very ineffective and I fear caused more harm than good.   But, I'm exhausted and just have to keep setting limits and doing all of the work because he does none.  He cycles in and out of chaos - and makes promises or commitments, that then, get rescinded as if they were never made.   When I hold him to them, he gets angry and lashes out at me.  I'm at my wit's end.  I'm also concerned for the kids - who are both adolescents and who have been in this chaos for five years now.   I filed for divorce - the papers are in process - but he then says he does not want the divorce (though two years ago, he threatened it himself and every time he was angry, said that's what he wanted.  I think for the kids' sakes and my sake, at this point, there is no other option.  He can be a generous, helpful person and underneath the mess, he is smart and loving.  But, recently to the kids far more than to me.  Thanks.

Hello and welcome!  I'm very sorry you're on this emotional rollercoaster but I'm thrilled that you found our community.

A few questions to start.  Has your spouse been diagnosed with BPD?  Has he attended any personal therapy sessions?

In his mind, everyone else around him is the source of his instability and therapy can't help that.  It's your fault...and the kids fault...and the teacher's fault, etc.  So tackling this head-on by telling him he needs help is not practical, because he won't hear it in a productive way (he'll hear, "You're crazy, get help crazy person!").

How can you make a difference?  For starters, realize that he's sick and that this is not your fault.  Maybe he said that he wanted a divorce at one point, but someone with BPD can say anything in the moment when they're unstable.  That's why the tools here along the top of the page teach to focus not so much on the words, but the emotions behind them.  Don't argue over the words since that's endless and leads nowhere.  Soothe the emotions to help him calm down and feel safe, then you can have more productive conversations.

For instance, he will always get angry and lash out...because again, he sees you as the problem instead of a potential solution.  But what if he got angry and you met that with empathy and compassion...to "talk him off the ledge", so to speak?  It becomes a different situation once you eliminate the need for anger and rage.

Whether you reconcile or divorce, what I'm saying matters because of the kids.  They're what matters and you'll spend the rest of your life co-parenting.  So you have to learn to communicate with him in a productive way while getting past all that drama.  Because that's all it is, tons and tons of drama because he can't regulate his emotions.  So he throws a tantrum like a child until his emotions stabilize.

Realize that this is a sickness, it's not personal and it's not because of you.  The only way to get him in therapy is by him choosing that path, and the only way you can have that conversation is by getting past the drama.  I hope that helps!

It is what it is.  By that I mean that no matter how many wishes and hopes we have, they are meaningless without reality.  His behaviors are a part of him, his comfort zone for close relationships.  That's why he keeps quitting therapy sessions, he is not sufficiently inclined to improve himself or his relationships.  And no one can force him to change, not you, not courts, not even the therapists.  I sometimes think that perspective might merit the phrase "radical acceptance".

Divorce courts do not try to 'fix' the litigants.  They deal with them as they are, so you would do best to follow the courts' approach.  Deal with him - as courts would - as an adult, an adult who has consequences for his actions and behavior.

Family courts are the referee of divorces.  They're not there to either stop or encourage divorce.  If one partner decides it is time to end the marriage, then it will end.  Courts just monitor it and ensure court orders address most issues with custody and parenting.  Your task as the reasonably normal parent is to do what you reasonably can to get the best (or least bad) order for yourself and especially the children.