BPDFamily.com

We have been married for 38 years.  I noticed some extreme behaviors starting about 25 years ago and they are escalating.  It seems that he hates me and blames me for all of his problems, all the problems in our marriage, for a business that he shut down, for his porn addiction, etc.  In reading the information on this site, I realize I have communicated incorrectly with my husband most of the time.  I didn't realize he had BPD nor did I know much about it.  He has most of the symptoms, mostly splitting, loving me one day, hating me the next.  Now he just hates me.  He is highly emotional, erupting at the dinner table at Thanksgiving when all our family is around, etc.

He is going to therapy, starting through gritted teeth to prove to me and the world that I am the cause of all his problems.  Now he is going to try to get help for himself, though it is very secretive.  I do think he is trying to change, but it doesn't take much for him to be triggered. 

I want to learn how to communicate so our lives can be more peaceful.  Part of it makes me mad that I have to re-learn how to communicate when I feel like I live with an alligator, who is lurking around ready to fiercely snap my head
off with no notice.  That I have to treat him with such kid gloves to survive.  I am just venting, I am thankful for a wonderful family and counselor. 

I am looking forward to learning from the experience of others, I think this will be a long road. 

Hey Grammy and welcome to the site.  What you're going through is terrible and I was in a similar situation in my 25 year marriage.  There were clues all along that something was off, something wasn't right, but I completely ignored them until my situation turned into what you're dealing with now.  We've been separated for about a year and a half now.

For people with BPD, it's very easy to fall into black and white thinking- she always does this, believes that, etc...or the opposite, she never....  One little trick I learned along the way is challenging that belief to say something like, "Do you really think I've never cared about your parents?  You can't think of a single time that I showed them I cared?"  I normally don't get an answer, just a grumble, but that's fine because it breaks that always/never absolute in her mind.

The good thing you have going on here is that he's in therapy and trying to change.  But you will have to change as well, to lead conversations in a calmer manner, to stop arguing over silly things he wants to argue about, and to show him that you genuinely care about him.  I agree with you, it's not fair, but that's the relationship you're in and it's the only path forward. 

It's okay to be bitter or angry, take your time processing that.  But at the same time, you can't blame him for having a mental illness and acting inappropriately at times.  That's who he is and it takes real work to overcome.

Please check out the sticky tabs at the top of the page and don't hesitate to vent here or ask questions.  I wish you luck!