BPDFamily.com

First post here, thanks for having me!

I have been reading posts and some are similar, some not so much. Great community you have here!

I was dating my ex (33f) with suspected ubpd. The main sign she has of BPD is abandonment issues, which stem from her childhood.

Early last year she befriended a young gay male (17) and they seemed to get on quite well. I seen with their friendship that he was taking priority over our relationship, I didn’t quite approve because of the age difference either. After some more regular arguments, she decided one day it was best to move out of our home and in with him and his mom.

Of course I was surprised, and upset. We broke up for about 6 months. She came to me begging for another chance and told me everything I wanted to hear, I said she could come home if her friend was no longer a part of her life. Deep down I knew that she wouldn’t be capable of letting him go.

We were together again for another 2 or so months, and I started feeling a bit lost in myself. I let her know this, and as soon as she thought I was going to ask her to leave she started talking to the friend again (now 18). Once I found that out I ended things between us. Then came all the lies to try and cover up what she was doing.

Fast forward 1 month to a order placed on me, her back living with said kid and mom. She is refusing to come and pick up all of her belongings to which I can only see as an easy way back for her if things go south with them.

Am I over reacting on their friendship?
Why is she leaving her belongings here?

She is a great person, she doesn’t yell or scream or get violent. She occasionally self harmed.

Hey Marty and thanks for posting!  Welcome to the site!

Are you overreacting?  Only you can answer that by flipping this situation around.  Let's say you're in a pretty good relationship but there's something you don't get from it- and it can be anything.  Let's say your favorite hobby, she hates it and you love it.  But your best friend also loves your hobby so you hang out with him/her often.  Not too much, maybe a few hours a week...but it does take you away from home during those times and your spouse is irked by it.

Your spouse demands that you give up the hobby and give up the friend, it's too harmful to the relationship.  Is that a reasonable ask?

For your girlfriend, she gets something from that relationship that she doesn't get from you.  And you might feel a touch of jealousy over that, but it's probably something emotional we get from different types of people in our lives.  Maybe she's more comfortable talking to him about certain things...or maybe he needs her advice for his own problems.  For instance, I'd talk to my mom about relationships and talk to my dad about work.  It's not that the other parent couldn't have meaningful advice on everything, that's just how we do it as humans. 

Then there's my best friend from childhood knows things about me that I've never told anyone else.  Why?  I don't know why, it's not like I'm carrying deep, dark secrets.  But I know I can tell him anything without judgement, and that's worth its weight in gold.

So again, this comes back to you.  Were you wrong to demand that she stop talking to her friend?

For the other question, why won't she pick up her stuff, there could be a million answers there.  I have no idea.  In my BPD wife's case when we separated, she didn't want to come over and pack the stuff up, it was too emotional for her.  So eventually I did it for her.