BPDFamily.com

My spouse’s borderline episodes are controlling our life. We live in a constant state of ”reactive” to chaos. We are rarely able to make plans or keep them. Triggers are always lurking around the corner, and just when I think we are doing well and recovering from an intense episode, another one pops its ugly head up. My partner has no professional help with her disorder. She feels that she is beyond help, and has been traumatized so many times by professionals, such that I am afraid to ever make any suggestions for fear that she will think I only want her re-traumatized. We both need hope, guidance, and direction. I am losing myself in trying to help her find hers. I found this site through reading Rachel Reiland and Randy Krueger, and I’m  hoping there are still resources here after seeing the last post was nearly 6 years ago. If anyone is still watching the site or knows of a newer one that will connect me to a community that can help, please let me know. I love my wife more than anything and feel desperate to help her and our whole family find peace and freedom from the chaos and darkness.

This site is very much active, with many posts a day. You'll find some good listening ears here and a lot of support. Read through a bunch of post and responses, some very good advice to be had from other people's experiences as well.

Hi Todo89, I'd like to join jaded7 in welcoming you to the site  :hi:

It's insightful of you to be able to acknowledge this:


I read you writing "our" and "we" -- this is a family dynamic, not "just her issue".

We're glad you reached out, because even when the pwBPD (person with BPD) can't, won't, or doesn't engage in treatment, the other family members can make meaningful changes that improve the relational dynamic.

So don't lose heart. Even if right now your W isn't in therapy, you can still do things 100% under your control, that don't require her agreement or cooperation, to make changes.

...

One of the more unintuitive parts of caring for someone with BPD is related to this:


It's like trying to save a drowning person in choppy waves when you have no lifejacket, no raft, no rope to throw, and nobody coming in as backup. It doesn't help pwBPD for you to lose yourself trying to save them! The most helpful thing you can do is to work on yourself and your own health and stability, including learning and applying new tools, skills, and approaches.

...

In order to understand your situation a bit more, I'm curious -- how long have you and your W been together? Do you have any kids? And have things always been "this bad", or was there a time when things were more stable? Any big incidents (death, moving, divorce, job loss, etc) happen during your marriage?

As you settle in here, take a look at our section of articles on When a partner, spouse or girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-4-cols). I'd be interested to hear what resonates with you.

-kells76