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My husband (undiagnosed) is emotionally draining me.
I mentioned to him that I think the cat needs to go to the vet (scratched eye getting worse) and his said I have to wait till pay day as we can’t afford it. I didn’t reply but got on my phone to look for appointments and he said ‘don’t give me that look, it’s not my fault’. I didn’t give him any look, it’s his default mode to automatically assume he is being blamed.
Then asks why I bought our son a new water bottle and I said because his other one was mouldy. Cue a rant about how no one washes the water bottles etc (not true).

He’s been home 1 hour and my mood has changed because of him. The constant need to blame or feel blamed, the passive aggression, it’s so draining.

I am sorry you are going through that. I can relate. My ex w/bpd would out of nowhere assume I was in a bad mood and start a fight about it for no reason and it wasn't even true. I always felt like I had to be entertaining her. I'd usually go overboard w/ it when she was accusing me of my mood switch but even that didn't work. It even happened in the middle of a concert once and I had to console her. This would always increase my anxiety.

Reminding yourself that this is his issue and not yours may be helpful. It's difficult to detach all of the time but it does help to maintain your sanity.

Draining is the right word, for sure. It is exhausting trying to get agreement/cooperation with a pwBPD who doesn't seem to be in treatment or working on improving.

Finding ways to remove yourself from the situation could be helpful. He's going to feel whatever he feels (and those feelings can change rapidly and wildly, depending not on what's going on externally but on his own inner experience) -- you aren't required to be present in the room as he uses unhealthy approaches to "managing" his feelings.

For example, here:


I'm guessing it's pretty obvious when the "rant airplane" is taxiing down the runway and is ready to take off? You can observe changes in tone, words, body language, etc?

It's OK for you to exit the room when he wants to fly the rant airplane. No sense in both of you going on that journey. This protects you from hearing the rant and the blame.

...

In terms of this:

I've found it less stressful for myself to assume that my H's kids' mom won't cooperate at all -- not even at a basic level -- and that anything that needs doing, I need to figure out 100% on my own. Then, if she chooses to help, that's a bonus, and if she chooses not to help, then my plans aren't in turmoil.

The cat can't wait for your H to be in a cooperative mood. If I were in your shoes, I might be brainstorming ways to get the cat treated first, then sort out a payment plan directly between me and the vet. Again, he may have all kinds of emotional responses to that -- you can decide if you want to stay in the same room with him while you make an appointment, or if you'd like to be elsewhere (somewhere peaceful, like in the bathroom, in the car, at the library...) while you set stuff up.

It really sucks when pwBPD aren't cooperative.

Goodpal sums it up well:

It's awful; I remember having the realization a few years into marriage that BPDxw actually preferred conflict to calmness.  She seemed to enjoy it.

Indeed, she one told me that she hated that I was so calm, and couldn't stand it.  That seemed absolutely crazy to me, that someone could prefer screaming and fighting to getting along cordially. 

I also recall the random accusations from her of being "grumpy" when I was just keeping to myself and going about my business.  Of course, she'd make it in a way almost intended to provoke me... which of course would result in an argument or fight, which was what she wanted. 

I imagine to her disordered mind, having grown up in a home rife with alcoholism, cheating (by both parents) and constant high-pitched verbal and sometimes physical abuse, that was what she knew and interpreted as "love."  And so when she'd come into a room to find my quietly reading, listening to music, making a sandwich, or whatever, she just assumed because I wasn't fixated on her, I must not love her.

Before divorce, it was tough to get away, especially with a young child.  But I actually preferred going out and taking care of my daughter alone.  I could relax, read in the car while she napped, get a beer at the zoo, etc, without BPDxw there and suddenly snapping at me for not jumping high enough, having to use the bathroom, "staring at women" or whatever wild accusation popped into her head at that moment.