BPDFamily.com

Hello forum -
I’ve never done this before, but I’m feeling like a prisoner in my own life. My mother is afflicted with tremors and anxiety, but the klonopin is really heightening her BPD and I feel hopeless. I’m 34 years old and never felt like I had that great of a mother - I think a combo of BPD/ bipolar /drug addiction/ narcissism - and now I just feel drowned by her emotions. 20 missed calls a day, crying and being angry… it’s like walking on the sharpest and most hurtful egg shells. I know it’s a symptom of her disease but it’s like going to Arkham asylum every time. I love my mother but I’ve never felt this despondent about her. The constant threats and verbal abuse and manipulation. Thanks for letting me vent here. I hope someone reading this knows I’m out there and know how you feel. Starting to go a little mad myself… trying to be strong… glad to have a place to vent. Honestly feel better just typing this.

You're definitely not alone; we just take time responding to things (I, for example, am working on a Court Case resuming tomorrow morning involving beloved pwBPD).

We never used Clonazapam, relying instead on Alprazolam (much shorter half-life fine in our circumstance because once she got control back it's okay, just needs the interruptor). You mention Bipolar and BPD, are those both diagnosed or just one? Are you the only adult child in contact with her?

You are not alone Lilyflower. I get how gut wrenching it is to reconcile the real love we have for our mothers with the chaos, unpredictability, rage, abuse, and mental illness.

No one could cope with 20+ calls a day. How would you feel about making a deal with yourself to block calls for just one day so you could have space for yourself?

Sending hope and strenght to you xx

Hello lilyflower,

Welcome to the forum.  :hi:

My elderly dBPD mom used to call me nonstop if I didn't answer the phone. Before smartphones, she would use up the whole cassette tape of my answering machine crying that I was dead and pleading for me to answer just in case I wasn't dead.  She would scream and call me horrible names once I did answer.

No one ever gets used to this. It helps to vent. If you don't already, ignore some of the daily calls for your own peace of mind.

My mom's favorite drug was Klonopin. It did take the edge off her agitation and rage. Her psychiatrist weaned her off to prevent dementia.   I hope your mother's doctors find a psychotropic drug combo which works to calm her down.

 
@lilyflower I'm so sorry you're going through this. This is my mother. We are in opposite time zones, and I wake up to 15+ missed calls and angry text messages.

It's very hard. What has helped me is put my phone on "Do Not Disturb mode" (DND) in the evening until the morning. But when DND is off, I still have calls/texts from her silenced. This way, I don't see a notification on my screen with her name on it because it triggers me and gives me a "pit in my stomach" feeling.

What I also noticed is that she is "better" during day time. When she calls/texts me at 2AM her time, I don't ever respond because she is horrible at night. It seems the absence of daylight makes her more hostile and paranoid. I typically wait several hours until the sun is out on her side of the world before I attempt any interaction.


@TelHill - You are right. It's not something anyone can get used to.

I shared a recent unpleasant incident with my mother with one of my friends. She is someone with a normal mother. It was my mistake to share it with her, but after trying to hear me out, she eventually said, "just let her words go into one ear and out another". As if it's easy to do that.