BPDFamily.com

 :help:

I wanted to share an ongoing issue I've been facing in my relationship, hoping to get some insights from this supportive community. I feel a bit drained and confused due to the dynamics in our relationship.

My partner doesn't seem to enjoy initiating interactions, which often leaves me feeling in charge of moving things forward. This can be challenging as I have ADHD and struggle with organization. When I intentionally try to connect, either physically or verbally, she tends to become distant or 'shy', which makes things even more complicated.

I've tried focusing on nurturing relational intimacy by starting with smaller, less intimidating forms of intimacy. However, when it's time to take things further, she often appears avoidant and quickly distracts herself with something else, like suddenly focusing on our pet dog.

Interestingly, she later becomes upset, confronting me for not making things happen. Yet, she rarely shows signs of affection and often acts as if I'm not in the room.

I really care about her and our relationship, but it's emotionally exhausting to continually reach out without receiving much in return. I'd appreciate any advice or shared experiences from those who have been in similar situations.

Thank you.

Hey ARCHERY;

Brief question just to get more context -- do both of you want to try for a baby, or is it more you, or more her?

Great question, we both expressed desire to have another child. She says this is what she wants. I also want a child at this stage too.

Hmmm…. Sounds like several issues going on here. 

Baseline dynamics:
1) So what does she say when you express and share how you feel?  Often BPD are very emotionally in tune.

2) ADHD can be difficult to experience as a romantic partner.  Have you listened and asked about her feelings and managed your part?

Thought provoker:
3) What are your expectations for bringing a new life into this current environment and how it will impact the dynamic? How will there be stability and emotional safety for a new child? And.. under stress conditions?

Hard questions… deserve hard questions…

Glad you reached out!

Thank you for these questions!

First of all there is always appreciation of expressions of love and care in the moment . It comes after moments of silence and she has described this as ‘thawing out’ or feeling safe to connect on an emotional level.

My ADHD has been officially diagnosed and I’m on both medical and CBT management for symptoms. I’ve made a great deal of improvement and one of the benefits is being able to recognize where I am ultimately responsible and where I am taking more blame than is due. One of the ways this impacts relationally is something called rejection sensitivity dysphoria. In our most recent conversation we both recognised that we both are sensitive to actual or perceived rejection to the point of physical pain. In this case my ADHD gave me unique insight into what my partner feels as she pulls away. Our mutual recognition of this has led to reconnecting at a passionate and deep level since this post was made.


Thirdly, we are both ultimately aligned in our faith love and commitment. And so I believe that the child will know stability. The spectrum of BPD is varied and severity can vary depending on mood. It’s going to be a challenge to protect kids from splitting or black and white thinking. However she supports and helps me improve my challenges in organisation, likewise I help her see that boundaries and intimacy can co-exist


Hopefully this gives more insight

Thank you for your thoughtfulness!