BPDFamily.com

I want to get back with my ex who broke up with me. I am different than many because even with all the negatives of being in the relationship, I would still prefer to stay together.

I had a long distance online relationship with a BPD person for several years. They are not diagnosed and do not think they have it, don't want treatment, but they match the descriptions and DSM criteria, etc.

They always wanted us to live together, but I never fulfilled that need due to a mix of real life reasons, and also my avoidant personality disorder. I tried to "make up for it" (I know its not enough), by spending all my waking hours with them online, in voice calls, etc. and fully focusing my attention on them.

We had plans to live together but something would always come up and I would always have excuses for delaying it, and for years they put up with it.

There were many fights over small things, I was always trying to avoid fighting, and we had many breakups but they were always short lived. In this area I am in the wrong objectively, and it is my biggest regret.

Toward the end, for over a year, they sometimes said they were going to break up and were just keeping me as their company, because they weren't ready to look for new people yet. During this time they would also sometimes act at times very loving, and like we were in a relationship, which was confusing. Or they would give clues like want to buy an annual subscription for something together, which would not make sense if they were planning on leaving in the next month. We did fight less during this time and it was like they weren't as BPD as in the first few years. Maybe their BPD was improving or maybe they had written me off and had less reason to feel BPD with me.

At the end I was ready to live together and rearrange things (but it would not be immediate, I would need a couple more months), but it was too late and they had enough, or didn't believe me, or both. I can't blame them. Even a non-BPD person would rightfully have huge issues with me.

I glanced over this and I think I am not explaining all the details of the relationship, it may look like I have done so much wrong it is not worth saving, but there was a lot of good in it too and we had an extremely close bond, were extremely compatible, were in call and interacting all day for years.

At the end, they hung out with me for a few weeks in a distant way, no longer over voice but over text (I was very depressed and sad too, so I didn't push for voice, I was afraid of what was coming). They seem to be open to stay friends at first, but I was so sad and self-blaming I suggested not, because in those sad times I said they would be better off with out me and I deserve to be alone, while also simultaneously being a total wreck and pleading with them to stay because I would fix everything.

During the final months there were also new personal stressors (unrelated to me) going on in their life, to do with their health and getting older, that were sources of stress of them.

They now have me blocked everywhere. I kept emailing and finally they responded, but they seemed like an angry, different, distant person, not remembering anything good at all, and criticizing me in ways they had never done in the entity of our relationship, even during the worst moments.

In the past, when we had a fight, and if I had them blocked, they would very aggressively call me 100s of times, and do other extreme things, acting as if it's okay to break any boundary I have, but hypocritically
 now they also get extremely angry when I try to contact them only 2% as much. It makes me wonder if I should try to contact them more. Instead I have been depressed and letting several weeks pass, and only tried to email and call them about 10 times.

I know the standard advice is to improve yourself and look for a non-BPD person, but I would rather leave that for the other threads and have this one focused on trying to get back together, even if this is viewed as stupid goal, even if only an intellectual exercise, I'm really hoping for advice and input that would lead me to getting back together.

What are they thinking and feeling now in general, and what do they probably think and feel about me?

Is there something that I can do to address their concerns, make them feel better, be open to staying together in some capacity. 

Perhaps weirdly, I am even open to staying friends because they were not just my relationship, but my sole friend.

Is this being "discarded". Does discarded mean I am fully dead and hated in their mind, and it's permanently over?

What % of discards are final?

What can I do to make a discard not final?

If I talk about fixing things and giving them what they want, it seems that makes them angry.  If I talk about how they loved me before, our bond and compatibility, and they don't remember it, deny it, and it makes them angry.  Why does it make them angry? Is there an approach that doesn't make them angry, and does the opposite, is soothing and could lead to patching things up?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and for any replies

I am also open to chatting over a messaging app, for people who want that.