BPDFamily.com

How did it happen?

Any tips from anyone on how to increase the chances of that happening?

I am of course blocked everywhere, and the last time I tried to contact they were extremely angry. What approaches are more likely to work?

What is likely going through their minds?

My ex partner was a high functioning BPD. Throughout our 3.5 year relationship she would disregulate often, get angry about something often misconstrued, and break up with me. In the first couple of years she ran away 9 times. As far as I’m aware there was never another person involved, she was just constantly on the look out for danger. Each time I just let her go, and days, weeks, and on a couple of occasions 2-3 months later she came back. Usually I got angry texts that I wasn’t chasing her, followed by ‘do you think of me at all? I think of you’ style texts. On one occasion her ex asked her out in one of the longer breaks and she went for a couple of drinks with him. This actually pushed her back to me.

She is someone who has a belief that her partners should be fixated on her. She seemed to be uncomfortable in ‘normal’ relationships, and thinks the highs of the honeymoon stage is what love should feel like at all times. When the relationship became more comfortable, she became scared that I was less into her, and would panic.

We actually managed 15 months without a break up, and she fought through this discomfort. But this meant she would be quite demanding in terms of (what felt like) endless chastisements for ‘lack of attention’. My ‘final’ discard came late last year after a week when I had actually been on ‘best behaviour’ in terms of how I was acting (the night before she was in a depressive state, I made little cards with her daughter telling her we recognised she was struggling, loved her very much, and took her out for a family date).

The thing I would say is I never felt secure with her in the relationship. She was always on high alert for why things ‘weren’t right’. You could do 100 nice things for her, but fail to live upto her expectations once, and boy did I know about it. It was unsustainable and extremely exhausting.

My advice would be tell them once that you love them, you do not agree with the break up, and to contact you if they change their mind. Then leave them to it. If the feelings are still there for you, they will come back, if not, they won’t. You cannot force someone to want to be with you, and even if you succeed, it won’t last long.

i dont think this is something that you can generalize, in order to understand whats going on. the facts and the answers depend on your relationship, how it broke down, how it ended.


it looks like this was a significant source of tension in your relationship. it was in mine, too. we both talked about getting married, but i was never prepared to take that step, or even invest in it, because of how unstable our relationship was. i also withdrew emotionally and physically from the relationship. when she broke up with me, and i made the case for our relationship, i could tell it was hard for her, but she had committed to it.

when a woman (bpd or not) decides that a relationship is in a dead end, and she has partly or fully grieved it, it is hard to come back from. grand gestures can not only feel like too little too late, but even a source of resentment, eg "why couldnt he do this before? why wasnt i good enough?".

i understand that wasnt the only source of conflict in your relationship, or the sole thing that broke it down. im explaining it, in part, from her perspective. its important to see this through her eyes.

the fact that this was an online relationship is a part of that. online relationships, or long distance relationships, or both, can offer the illusion of intimacy, as well as mitigate some of the hard stuff.

were the two of you ever together in person?


this may have been a significant factor too. stress is hard on a relationship, it sometimes forces people apart, and people with bpd in particular dont handle it well. no ones "fault", necessarily, but a hard reality of life and relationships.


if a person has blocked you, they are putting up high walls. if you try to get over those walls, they will either build higher walls, or lash out. she may have carried resentment during the relationship that spilled out.


no, you should not contact her more. it is pushing her further away. give her space, and a lot of it. giving her space, by the way, doesnt guarantee that she will become more open to contact.

from a "trying to reverse a breakup" standpoint, youre in a tough situation, and i know that it hurts, and i know that you want to do everything you can do. but in order to have a chance at that, there is a lot of ice that needs to thaw.

it will help us to know:

1. who did the breaking up? what was the reason given?
2. how long ago was it?
3. what was the last message you sent to her?

After a few years of dating, I was offered a new job about 45 minutes away.  

In retrospect, I understand that my pwBPD likely perceived the fact that I even considered a new job to somehow be a rejection of her...  Long story short, she broke up with me, I moved, and we did not keep in touch.

About a year later, she reached out, asked to catch up.  During the year we were apart, I did very well at work, dated, and generally moved on.  I was apprehensive to reconnect with my X, but went for it anyway.  

Long story short, over a period of a few weeks, we ended up getting back together.

And then about 2 years later, we got married.

And then had 3 kids.

And then got divorced 14 years after getting married.

Summary:  
Sure, it's possible to reconnect with an ex - BPD or not.  

What was going through her mind?  
Hard to say for sure. I imagine normal things - missing certain aspects of our dynamic, gaining some perspective while we were apart, desiring stability...  

At some point after we reconnected, I asked her what changed for her - why was it terrible that I accepted a new job, but then ok to reconnect a year later when I lived further way.  She had no memory of any of our discussions about the job, my reasons for considering and ultimately taking it, or the possibility of moving together.  I always thought it was strange that we had vastly different experiences and memories of that breakup.  

It took me another ~14 years to begin to really recognize the patterns, and learn about BPD.  I'm not sure anything would have happened differently if I had learned more about BPD sooner - I was already walking on eggshells and treating my uBPDxw with tremendous deference - out of instinct - long before the divorce.

Well, I can't exactly answer this clearly. Because I am in the discarded process right now. It isn't the first, but right now it feels different and may be the last.

I've (37f) been with my uBPD boyfriend (41m) for three years now. There have been many instances of him calling the relationship off. To be clear, there have been moments I too felt unsure with all the ups and downs and discussed possibly ending. We always ended up back together.

This time though, is different. He had stopped taking his depression medicine. I found out he confided in another woman (a friend) about how horrible he feels about me. He said things that are not true. He called me abusive, controlling, that I use him for sex, and that he constantly tries to leave me but cannot. He never said any of these things to me-- he tells me the opposite. That I am amazing, beautiful, caring, empathetic-- that he loves me so very much and wants a future with me. I was crushed to learn such horrific things. I soon discovered he told others this as well and they believed him. His father told him based on this information he should end the relationship and ask me to move out.

So my whole world is turned upside down (again), only this time it has effected my kids too. I am moving out. I am moving forward. I continue to be confused and get mixed messages. He tells me to get out. The next day, wants to watch tv with me and kisses my forehead. The next day, want to engage in sexual relations. I love him so much, despite the whiplash, and am hoping I can see more clearly with time what is best for me.