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It's been about 1 month and a half since I broke it off w/ my bpd fiancee. I'm really hurting. The break up has been an agonizing roller coaster ever since, mainly just her texting and me responding minimally. Well it seems she may have cut ties with me finally.

Now my emotional brain kicks in and wants her back so bad. It's so bizarre how this works. Towards the end I'm planning my escape and now I want to go back. I must be the disordered one. I was originally in a relationship with someone with NPD so I did tons of research on cluster b topics. I sort of preemptively ended things w/ most recent relationship which lasted 4 years. It never got terrible and I was always kind of on the pedestal but I saw signs of it coming and wasn't ready to go through that again. Now I'm thinking about all the things I could have done and how I could have been a more supportive partner. Anyone go through this?

I'm also now talking to more healthy people. Not for a serious relationship but just friendly/flirty chatter. I have no desire to start a relationship for at least 6 months from now. I've noticed that seemingly normal people don't do it for me the same way disordered people do. Should I just accept my fate and learn to manage a cluster B relationship?

Hey Goodpal,

Some here would say that BPD relationships are always lopsided and difficult to manage.  Others would say those with BPD can love deeper and more passionately.  Both are right in their own viewpoints, but it doesn't matter what any of us think.  What matters is how you feel and your specific situation.

There's some truth to what you said- there's always more you can do.  But are you willing to put in the work to actually make it work?  Again, only you can answer that for yourself and there is no wrong answer.

Let's look at this from a different perspective-

- What harm can come from re-engaging and seeing if you can find common ground?  
- What additional harm could come from it not working out?
- What internally is making it so hard to move on without her?

Figure out those answers and you should have a little more guidance on what to do next.  I hope that helps!

Moving on is difficult because I loved her passion for us.

I was right out of a divorce so I was not fully able to completely commit to this relationship emotionally. I was very guarded and always looking for an escape plan.

If I were to re-engage and she were to accept a reconciliation the harm would be hurting her again. I have broken it off 3 times. I will not even reach out unless I'm certain I can put in the work. The other times I reached out because she kept engaging and I was experiencing heartbreak.

It's been 4 years so I am a different person and I am 4 years further away from my previous divorce which makes a big difference. My emotional maturity and readiness seems to be improving. I'm a different person than I was 1 year ago.

I'm sort of in that position now.  I just divorced after 19 months apart and I met someone online about 8 months ago.  We've grown super close and I love her, she's my best friend in the whole world.  Yet as the divorce date was approaching, even though I was completely alone, I started feeling guilt for giving up on my wife too soon- I was playing both sides of the fence, so to speak.  It was very unfair to the new woman in my life.

What I realized is that I had to grieve my marriage and accept that chapter has ended.  For me personally, this was different than grieving my wife...the marriage was our family of four and all those memories together.  My ex-wife did terrible things and made terrible decisions, so I accepted that there was no path to reconcile over a year ago.  Yet my heart still hurt and I couldn't understand why.

Your situation sounds very similar- you're afraid to repeat the past, so to speak.  But you also have to realize that the past is dead and you can't live there anymore, no matter how badly you want to.  Your mistakes are written in stone (so to speak) and can't be changed, and the only thing left to do is heal from them and begin to move on.

If you want to re-engage with the new love, just do it honestly- show her your feelings and complicated emotions.  Let her have a say in whether or not it's something you guys can work through together.  I get the fears of hurting her because I have those identical fears in my new relationship.  But I chose to be vulnerable with my emotions and it was the correct choice for me.

If it helps, she's hurting without you as well.  There's no sense in punishing yourself for what might happen in the future; just tell her in an open and honest conversation what's really going on.

I did this exact thing last year. I wrote a letter opening up and sharing all of my feelings. Then here we are today, broken up again. I don't want to do it again unless I'm really ready. I also don't want to interfere if she found someone who may actually commit to her.

Then maybe take some time to really figure out what you want and need in a relationship.  Again, there's no wrong conclusions- you need what you need, and you get to decide what's best for your life.  If you're not sure then don't rush it.

Gift yourself the time to recover.  Recovery is a process, not an event.

And yes it is wise not to immediately seek another relationship.  The risk is that it could become a "rebound relationship".  In many cases those fail.  Gift yourself the time to recover and find yourself.

Right now is the time to listen to your logical side, soon your emotional side will catch up.

ForeverDad,

So wait to respond then? The anxiety is starting to really kick in. What if it's too late by the time I finally do? This feeling is terrible. I don't know what the right decision is.