BPDFamily.com

I've visited these boards but never posted, really. I've been married for 30+ years, spouse is UBPD, and now has decided he is also autistic. (On the spectrum, for sure.) Today he got frustrated over the our new bank's info and I foolishly involved myself in the problem. You know, fixing it...He got angry, which comes out of the frustration. Tonight we were supposed to go to a concert. He came down to dinner and said he should have just planned to go alone. (Last time we went I parked badly and got someone really mad.) I said if he wanted to, he should. That was it. Blow up, dragging up everything I do to 'piss all over any thing he plans, don't let him have feelings, he has no friends anymore, I just go and do what I want. (He has been sober since before our marriage.) Now I sit here thinking "if only I hadn't said..." long story short, no concert, he sat in his office ranting. I ate my dinner and put the rest in the fridge so it wouldn't spoil. Now I am up in my office and decided I had to start posting and not just reading, although "JADE - Don't Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain seems to be a good thing to remember, as well as "Don't jump into the problem pond." Things were good for months, now I just want to move out. I'm tired of this.

Hey Pathfinder and welcome to the forums (officially).

Through the BPD lens, what your husband experienced was a healthy dose of self-sabotaging when he mentioned going alone.  What he wanted you to say was, "Oh honey, I really want to go to the concert with you, I've been excited about it all week long!  I love going places with you!"

Only, that's not what you said because it wasn't intuitive...he stated he wanted to go alone, which probably hurt your feelings.  So you tried to give him what he wanted, but his words and emotions weren't lining up.  You didn't see the insecurity and longing to go to the concert with you.

Here's the thing though, he was becoming unstable.  Even if you begged to go to the concert, it may have been a long night of complaining.  Who knows.  So don't second guess yourself here, you're not a mind reader and you couldn't have anticipated this.

You posted in the "bettering a relationship" thread, but your last comment was that you want to move out.  I'd recommend you give that a little time before making a decision and see if you can improve communication.  Affirm to him that you wanted to go to the concert and spend the evening together having fun.  See what happens from there.

In the meantime, please focus on yourself a little more this week and let us know if you have any questions.  We may not have the answers, but just the process of talking this stuff out with people who can relate can be a huge help.  I'm very glad you decided to post instead of just reading!

Thanks! What you said really makes sense. I did say after that that I wanted to go, but it was too late, of course. I am hoping to better the relationship. Just having those feelings..

Sure, I get it...everyone here gets it because we've walked that path.  So much of this can be counter-intuitive at times and that's okay.  Feel free to vent all you want and we'll gladly listen/help as needed.

Welcome pathfinder and thanks for sharing with us. I’m sure you’ll get lots of advice and support here. I just wanted to add that if I was in that situation and said to my wife, “I really want to go to the concert with you” she’d be like, “No you don’t, you just want to go to the concert”. She is jealous of absolutely everything like if I decide to clean the kitchen floor she’ll accuse me of loving cleaning more than I love her. I just have to be very careful how I say anything, especially anything positive. I tend to keep my positive emotions from her unless she’s actually feeling happy which isn’t very often. Although we are advised to step away from the caretaker role, it is about finding a balance. The relationship will always need special attention, if it is to last, which means a degree of caretaking as we need to consider our words and actions so carefully, especially being invalidating which was my biggest crime. The important thing is looking after yourself and standing up for yourself. Good luck with the journey.

Thanks! There is no mind-reading, is there? Today, when i got up, I went up and worked in my office until I knew he had been up and eaten. (Food really helps his mood...) So far, so good.