BPDFamily.com

My husband is text book BPD with narcissism. I feel I’ve tried to set him up with therapy and support him. But he never follows through with therapy. He doesn’t work. We have a 3 year old that is a great and beautiful person. I’m scared he’ll ruin him with his tactics. What are my first steps of leaving the marriage? Should I find an attorney that knows about personality disorders? I’m worried how he’ll treat me in the divorce and custody issues. I feel stuck and am settling because I’m afraid of the unknown

Welcome to peer support. :hi:

You're one step ahead of where many of us were.  We were, um, somewhat clueless of what we were dealing with and hence we slow to seek options.  A good start is to determine where you stand from a legal perspective.  Even learning your state's laws is not sufficient.  This is because local courts have discretion in how the rules and policies are applied.  Hence seeking legal consultations with local family law attorneys is wise, not just for information but also strategies for a better (less bad) outcome.

While there are some law firms that advertise they handle high conflict divorces, they're not the only ones.  I found that nearly two decades ago in my area that sort of advertised experience wasn't done.  I recall my lawyer - who never once commented on my worries of a Personality Disorder - did eventually call my ex crazy, bats--t crazy and antisocial to the extent of believing her able to pass a lie detector test.

Experience is important since a newer lawyer may be able to handle filling out forms and hold hands, expertise in the local court and having practical time-tested strategies is what counts.

Her resistance to normal negotiation on custody issues eventually forced us to seek Custody Evaluation, an in-depth mental health assessment of both parents and especially how it impacted the child and parenting.  This was more than a quick overview with a Psych Eval.  Even my Custody Evaluator, a child psychologist, refused to go so far as to give a mental health diagnosis.  He danced around a diagnostic conclusion, yet he did summarize, "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can."  That was my experience, everyone in the court system studiously ignored a diagnosis.  After all, a diagnosis in itself does not necessarily reflect on parenting.  So instead court focused on documentation and evidence, especially where it impacted the children.