BPDFamily.com

This is not me to post on any forums but I am at such a loss. I am in the UK so My almost 18 year old is waiting for a diagnosis of EUPD as they won’t diagnose under 18s here.
We started having concerns when DD was 12 years old and the lies and manipulation just get worse. She can’t maintain any friendships long term and every time a friendship or relationship breaks down she makes allegations against the person (male or female) of abuse and rape but refuses to speak to the police even when we have had social care involved.
She makes constant allegations of emotional abuse against her dad and I which has resulted in investigations as I work as a nurse, Although nothing came of this. I feel as though she has re-written our lives as we were so close when she was younger but to listen to her you would think we had a horrible life. When I try and state how I remember things I am accused of gaslighting so I have just given up. I hate that people and professionals who don’t know us believe what is being said.
She self harm’s and has taken multiple overdoses over the last 2 years always blaming us for never being there or not supporting her in any way. I have spent this evening in my bedroom because she has come home with her boyfriend hurling abuse at me and telling me if he can’t stay she will leave and sleep on the street. Every time she makes a threat if we don’t believe her she will follow up on it. For instance 18 months ago she stated she had sold images of herself online, no one took this seriously including social care, college and mental health services. She then tried to do this which was highlighted by the police a year later. She has since blamed me for this as I would not give her money.
We have tried everything to get help including accessing a private psychiatrist and psychologist as our local child and adolescent mental health services are so stretched. I am constantly at college for meetings or driving her to appointments as well as just being there. Nothing I do or say is ever enough but I can’t keep giving in just to try and keep her somewhat stable. All of our family are low contact now as they hate how she treats us and the lies she tells.
I love her so much but I can’t live with this constant fear of what she will do and say next. Reading some of the posts on here has helped knowing we are not alone but does it get any better? She is supposed to start DBT soon, does this really help?

Sad, you’re right to feel sad and despondent. The short answer to your question is yes, DBT and therapy can help, but only if your daughter wants to change for the better. My diagnosed stepdaughter had to hit bottom, twice, to embrace therapy. She’s a little better now after considerable therapy. The disorder is so extreme, affecting almost all areas of life, that even small progress seems major. She still has work to do, but she’s headed in the right direction at last.

How do you know if DBT is working?  I’d say there are many signs:  proper self-care (eating, bathing, cleanliness, etc.), ability to complete some coursework, holding down a job for a time, repairing some familial relationships, having a romantic relationship, making and keeping some friends. The latter seems to be the “easiest” because of lower emotional stakes and stress. The “hardest” seems to be parental relationships and holding a job. And taking prescribed medications, while abstaining from illicit ones, are key.

You’ve found the right place for compassion and practical tips. There are real pros here, like Pook and Kells.

Hi Sadmummy, adding my voice to the *welcome*

Teen years are hard enough already without the addition of BPD to the mix. You do sound like you're at the end of your rope -- glad you found us.

Like CC43 mentioned, DBT can be helpful for pwBPD who choose to participate and engage. It's one of a few evidence-based therapies for BPD, so if your D17 is currently compliant (more or less) with appointments, then I would hope that bodes well for her participation in DBT -- though time will tell.

Are you currently in a relationship? If so, how is your spouse/partner doing with things? And do you have other children at home?

I hope that in all this focus on your D17 and her needs, you are also able to take some time to care for yourself. We can't help others when we have nothing left in the tank.

While my H and his kids don't have BPD, his kids' mom has many traits, and that makes family life challenging. I'm currently on the waitlist for the NEABPD Family Connections program (https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/family-connections/), which is a free online program for family members of those with BPD. It focuses on skillbuilding for more effective relationships, so do take a look at that and see if it sounds like a good support for you.

Keep us posted;

kells76