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So in my years i have come to think higher functioning disregulated people want not to loose relationships so they lie sometimes to cover up what they did. I don't see it as malicious but choldlike and sincere.  Is that an observation others have seen?

Yes, I have observed something like that in my uBPD/uOCPDw.

My wife honestly believes her twisted/distorted to the point of being 'false' narrative on a variety of things as she cannot accept she is wrong.  It is how she perceives the situation with exaggerated emotions and she honestly believes them, effectively becoming a disassociation of reality.  As such, since she thinks she is 'right' there is no 'apology' for her actions.

I mean.... they know they messed up like a kid with tears looking for mercy as they live different ways with different family members...knowing you suspect but you dont ask and now instead you show some kindness towards them as if youve both reached some un spoken understanding.   Like they do things they don't want to have done after the moment passed but they do twant to lose everyone because of it.  Like their self awareness is torture enough when they learn to connect  with their feelings. I would think its growth then.  Thoughts?

My son is closer to what you have described.  He has 6 symptoms of BPD, but is too young to diagnose, and I believe he is starting to grow out of these traits that the therapist has labelled as oppositional defiant.

My son does behave in a somewhat similar manner of which you speak.  When he is in his moment of dysregulation, he is not aware.  However, soon after he re-regulates (reconnects with his feelings), he realizes what he has done (he does not disassociate like my wife does), and becomes very remorseful about it, and will apologize profusely for losing it, sometimes with tears in his eyes depending on how upset he is.

I do not let him stew in his emotions.  I do engage him, and talk about his behaviors (as a parent, which is much easier to do than a partner - I have experience in both), so he can process them, and learn from them as his mind is still developing as I wish to break the cycle of intergenerational dysfunction in my family's dynamic.

I personally do not believe in leaving things 'unspoken' as no one is a 'mind reader' - and misunderstandings so easily can happen if things are not communicated when our pwBPD is being rational and regulated as I am fairly certain, even when they are regulated, there will be differing perspectives on what just happened - I know this is the case with my son and wife too.

If you are interested in engaging during this period of time afterwards, perhaps offer a hug, and validate the way they felt (but do not validate the invalid - the bad behaviors), and ask them to discuss it from their view point, listen without judgement, validate any apologies, forgive if they ask for forgiveness (unless it is unforgivable), etc.  Also genuinely re-affirm the positive, behaviors, and thank them for those.  That way your pwBPD knows your expectations, what you like, and what you don't, and you can better understand theirs.  If you are not comfortable doing this one to one, perhaps, loop in a therapist to assist.

Thoughts?

This sounds specific. Can you share a story or incident?

I think this kind of behavior has several motivations to it. I have a nickname for it- it's the "dry erase board" apology. In their minds, the behavior is over, all is good now. Your choice becomes going along with the thinking or bringing up what happened - without resolution as it would likely lead to another conflict and behavior outburst.

This feels crazy making because you know what happened. Also it's not possible to get a resolution through an apology. Apologies are ways to repair relationships. Everyone messes up sometimes- we do something- hurt someone's feelings- and we have a way to make the repair with a sincere apology to them- being accountable for our actions- an effort to repair the hurtful behavior if possible, and an effort to not repeat it.

I have read that people with PD's have difficulties with apologies. PwBPD can see things from a victim perspective- this avoids accountability and shame. Shame is very difficult emotion and so there are efforts to avoid feeling shame.

It may be that they aren't capable of an apology and this is the best they can do. In this situation, this "I'm good now" and wanting the relationship is the best apology they can come up with.

The problem with this is that if they can't acknowlege their own hurtful behavior- they won't learn from it- so the behavior is likely to happen again.

With my own BPD mother- I think she does want a relationship with her family members. I don't think she consciously makes the connection with their reactions to her behavior. She is emotionally and verbally abusive and if someone reacts and says something back to her- she will say "that person was so mean to me" as if she didn't connect that the person got upset with her because she was being verbally abusive to them.

How much you want to accept the "apology" and continue the relationship depends on your boundaries with that behavior. If it's significant- stealing, abuse, addictions, damaging property- then you may need to have protective boundaries in place. If it's not a major issue- then you would have to just let it go- because once it's "erased" for them, bringing it up isn't likely to lead to a positive resolution. If it's something they said in a moment of dysregulation, that's just a release of emotions, a projection, rather than something they actually mean.