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We had a life, a beautiful house, good jobs, plans and in a moment that all went.

That was over 15 years in the making.

I have to pick my life and try and form another.   I am sitting in a rental house that isn't very nice. 

I feel incredibly alone.  I would say at times distraught.  Feeling hopelessness.

I don't want to be around people because I don't think I have anything to offer at the moment.

I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know who she was.  I don't know what was a lie wasn't.

I expect much of it she wouldn't know either.

A guy at work did something very nice for me and it made me cry.  Because it felt like I hadn't experienced a real kindness for a very long time. 

I would just love to feel what it is like to be close to someone, but I wouldn't do it and risk messing them around.

I can't speak to people about what happened, I am sure they just think I am crazy.   

I feel I allowed certain things to happen, and I am not sure why.

I don't see a future with anyone in it.   I am not young anymore and can't just bounce back and there are opportunities.

People have well-meant ideas of what I should do or how I would feel better, but they don't help.

My councilor isn't helping.

I am not sure if I can explain how this feels. 

I would love to have someone I can sit with in a beautiful place, and I can tell them how I feel, and they wouldn't look at me, like I shouldn't feel that way, or I should be over it by now, or what a bright future I have, or give handy hints.   I could share in a moment with someone.   I didn't feel their pity or judgement.  A real moment. 

All the conversations are about how I shouldn't feel this way. 

That is the solution.   Not to feel this way.   That is all they have. 

I want feel and get past it.  Not create another FAKE life to replace the FAKE life I had that I didn't know I was existing in until the very end when it became clear.   

I am not doing well. 

Hi Kashi, I’m going through the same thing that you are going through and I do actually understand what you are saying because I understand the feelings and have them all also.

It is very very difficult.  You reacted to the kindness of a co-worker, a small act of kindness.  Be nice to people on the street, sometimes a small act from a stranger really helps also, we never know what someone else is experiencing in their lives.  Might help the pain for a moment.

And try to strengthen the things that remain, such as they are.  The one thing that you have now is freedom.  Try to focus on how it feels to be free.  You will get strong again. 

Keep moving forward.

I think what I struggle with most is this person I gave my whole heart to, is extremely cruel and has no empathy.

I find that very unattractive. 

I'm sitting is this place where I feel guilty because I gave her a few truths in a way that I am not proud of.  I don't like to be that person and I don't like to sit back and use excuses as to why I did that.  I can reel off some horrible things she did to me, when she sees a moment of vulnerability she will hit me hard emotionally.  It was around one of my parents dying after she left me.  As usual they have brilliant excuses but that's all they are.  What they are doing is punishing. They don't care what they use to do it. 

Then I think, I loved and gave my heart to that person.  I feel repulsed somewhat at that thought.

My thoughts are all over the place.   

From empathy, to repulsion, to fear, to love. 

Then I think how I could possibly have any love left for that person.   That in itself brings some guilt.

It's a strange mindset I find myself in.

I do know I don't want that person near me, and I can't allow it.  It's so destructive. 

I think you might be trying to use logic when logic has nothing to do with it.  The people that we are talking about do not think they hurt you, even though they do and you can tell them that, but it won’t matter to them, because nothing is ever their fault.  But they are mentally ill, and you know that, right?  And you want your freedom, because you are tired of this PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm), but you feel guilty because you love her, and it’s not really her fault that she is so sick.   Such is the duality of your suffering. 

I understand.  I sit here and try to focus on the bad times, the splits, the rages, etc.  But by nature I don’t really remember bad times in my life, I always remember the good times.  Now I’m trying to get through this by remembering the bad times first.  Such is the duality of the pain.

I have been successful now for almost 20 days,  but if she showed up at my gate right now, I would pull her against me, hug her shoulders and her head.  I would bring her upstairs and lick every square centimeter of her body and make love to her.  I miss her tremendously and I hope I never see her again.  Such is the duality of my heart and my head.

The moon is beautiful tonight, enjoy it, listen to some music.  Try to figure out what it really means when people say love yourself, feel everything, all of it.  Don’t forget to laugh at something, you can do it.

Earlier today my daughter texted me to see how I was doing, I said okay but told her the part about wanting to lick my girlfriend’s body.  So she sends me a meme of a little monkey licking a guy’s face and told me to remember that the next time I feel like that.  Then she blocked me, hahaha.