BPDFamily.com

 :help:

Hi everyone, please help me understand this situation and give any advice you feel may help.

I'm struggling to come to terms with it and stuck in a holding pattern of thoughts and feelings.

My upwBPD is my oldest (early 20s), and her sister is much younger - early teens. My younger broke down crying and shared she had felt shame, guilt and confusion after visiting her sister, and was worried about telling me because she knew it would be really hurtful to hear. This is what happened:

FYI, my younger has ASN and is vulnerable.

The oldest showedthe younger sister a youtube video about '8 signs your mom is a narcissist', and then started coaching her younger sister by telling her false stories and going on my facebook I post maybe 5 times a year) to 'prove' I make everything all bout me (It was one post about a task I was doing). She told her we don't support her financially, that I mimic her because I got a tattoo within a year of her (I got my first way before she was even born!), that the youngest should move in with her, and I could go on.
Then she told my younger daughter NOT TO TELL ANYONE about it. My younger daughter has been tormented for months over this, keeping a secret, knowing her sister was attacking her mum. She feels relief now having confided in her, and we have reassured her we're not angry at her keeping a secret and validated how hard this must have been for her. She sees through the video (it's one of the provocative victim ones where they ask for Patreon sponsors at the end), because once she got home and back to normal life she saw none of my behaviour matched the things in the video, but she didn't trust her own judgement because her big sister had told her I did them to her.

To be clear, the video is so far removed from my character and behaviour that it's silly. Sadly, after watching with my husband, we saw it was a projection of what is going on our upwBPD's mind (eg she hasn't succeeded in her goals or met her own expectations and is projecting that I enforced cruel expectations - I've literally told her I don't care what she studies or works in, how wealthy she is, or what she looks like - as long as she can support herself and is happy with her choices - I've actually spelled that out!).

She's using all the lingo from the trauma videos on social media, and seems to have convinced herself, or os clinging to this.

But, the issue here is her younger sister. She has been really hurt by this. It caused 3 months of depression and sleep disturbance (we didn't know why and she couldn't tell us because she'd been told not to). It caused real harm. Who makes a vulnerable CHILD watch a video, then coerces them into a false and vindictive narrative, and then tells them not to tell anyone?

Is this emotional abuse?

I think she's trying to get in between us because she has always been cruel to and jealous of her. She told me a year ago she wishes her siblings had never been born and I'd stayed single so that she had me to herself. She has tried to sabotage my marriage, and caused rifts between many family members by saying things to cause upset. Now she wants to be in the power position for her sister.

Sadly, after years or cruel bullying, our uBPD daughter grew up and decided she knew how to do life better than everyone else. She boasted of her ability to read people and manipulate them, and how everyone in her genealogy had got it wrong and that she was going to 'save' the future generations from us all. This resulted in highs where she has almost guru complexes, and then lows where she was a wreck and unable to particiapte in the basics of life. She has her partner running after her by faking illness and incapacity, and has threatened to cut his contact off with his family if they speak to me. During the 'highs' she lovebombs her young sister - 'takes her under her wing', and spoils her. Unfortunately, it turns out she's also been drip feeding lies about me to her and trying to gain influence and control over her. Then, after this intense interest, she just drops her. Suddenly - like she stops existing. My younger daughter's messages go ignored for months. Until the next time.

My youngest daughter has decided - we have not asked her to do this - block her oldest sister, She's really hurt and angry about it, and has been the victim of coercive manipulation by a nutter at school. She recognised similarities in this boy and her older sister and voiced it herself without us leading her there.

How do I support her? What does she need?
there's a large age gap, and distance now, but this is going to come up for her again. She has a sort of trauma bond (I don't like buzzwords, but I don't know how else to describe), and the natural desire for a sisterly relationship that a child would have.

I feel like she's been triangulated and abused by her older sister and I just don't know what to think, feel, or how to work through it with her, and support her to hold her boundaries in the future.

For those of you who have disordered siblings, what do you want/ need / wish (ed) your parents to do?

Thanks for reading.

'Sadly, after years or cruel bullying, our uBPD daughter grew up and decided she knew how to do life better than everyone else.'

To clarify, I mean bullying of the younger sister by the older.

There are several posters here who have siblings with BPD. In my family, it's my mother who has BPD.

I understand- this is difficult. They are both your daughters. It might help to consider their ages. Your older D is an adult. The younger one is still a child and dependent on you.

I would consider this to be emotional abuse, due to the age of your younger D. She doesn't have the maturity to deal with a disordered person and is at an age disadvantage. Even though they are siblings- this is not an equal relationship of peers.

This is not to frame your older D as some kind of abuser- she has a disorder- but whether it is intentional or not- the behavior is detrimental to your younger D's well being- you can see that. Since it's your D who is the child, she needs to be protected. This isn't choosing between your children- it's providing age appropriate protection. Just like you wouldn't let your younger D drive a car- or hang out with 20 year olds- she's too young to handle it. She's too young to manage being alone with her sister.

Your younger D seems to have a sense about people who are not emotionally safe to be around. I think it's good to support her in that. I'd consider not having her be alone with her older sister- make sure there's an adult with her if her sister is around. Then, as an adult- she will make her own decisions about the relationship.

Hello CopperLeaves,

My elderly mom is the diagnosed pwBPD. I have an older sibling who has a personality disorder. I think it might be BPD but not as severe as my mother.

They are considerably older and bullied me growing up.

I agree with Wendy to make certain your younger daughter is never alone with her older sister. You may want to explain to her that her sister has not been doing well for a long time. We're trying to help her. Something along those lines, so your your daughter doesn't blame herself.

I wanted my mother to listen, acknowledge my feelings and to protect me. I wanted her to give me tools on how to deal with it myself. 

 My mother has it herself so that wasn't possible.