BPDFamily.com

Hello, first time here.

History: Together 4 yrs, married 10 mos. Husband perceives rejection, he goes silent for weeks, I beg him back into our life. We are blissfully happy for about 30 days, then he does it again. These splits did not happen until we moved in together. He started therapy at my request in October '23.
He started meds at my request during the last split Jan '24, but decreased his therapy sessions to 1/mo.

Feb 2024: My husband  moved into our lower level after me telling him that he hurt my feelings and to stop being rude to me. The kids and I do not see him, he strategically gets home slips into his area and we never interact. Since then, 2 texts from him about bank account, signing me up for health insurance...strictly business. I was cordial but grey-rocked.

March 20: Last week I asked him to talk. I told him that he will need to get therapy and take his meds or we need to go our separate ways. He stayed quite and seemed annoyed at me, but admitted that he perceives rejection, freaks out and then isolates. He attended a therapy session the next day. No change in silent treatment since the talk.

March 27: I asked that he talk to my two teenage kids and tell them that his choice to not interact with them have nothing to do with them. He apologized to one of the kids. Later, I asked that we figure out what's next because me and the kids can't live with someone that is ignoring us. It escalated and I told him he was sick and needed consistent therapy. He said, well what do you want to do? Before i answered he yells, "well if I'm sick then lets get a divorce!"

Im grateful for his random peace offerings of the kids favorite foods suddenly appearing in the fridge, his willingness to take meds and go to therapy.

My question: Do I wait patiently for him to get more therapy and see if he will start talking with us again or do I ask that he find a place to live until he gets his BPD managed better?

Thank you!

Hi G2thafree and *welcome*

Things sound pretty hot and cold for your relationship right now. I've heard of other members who experience intensifying BPD-type behaviors after taking a step towards intimacy -- so it isn't surprising to hear that after you moved in together, conflict increased.

Did you move in together when you got married 10 months ago, or before that?

I'm reading that you have two teenagers (already difficult, I know! My H has two teens); does he have any children?


Fortunately, there might be a few options in the middle.

As weird as it sounds, even though you aren't the one with BPD behaviors, therapy and counseling just for you, individually, can make a difference, even if he never attends again.

Relationships are made up of two persons but also kind of have a life of their own -- like a third person. Each individual contributes to the relationship dynamic. I'm not saying the contributions are 50/50, but each contributes something to how the relationship goes.

What that means is that even if he never goes to therapy on his own, you going, on your own, and making changes on your own, can impact the relationship. It could be worth a try.

In fact, a lot of the tools and skills we teach and share here, are just for you, and don't require him to cooperate, agree, or participate, fortunately! They are 100% under your control, and as you learn and apply new approaches, you can decide if the relationship is becoming "livable enough" for you.

Take a look at our section on Relationship Skills (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329747.0); I'd especially recommend the workshops on Boundaries and Values (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684) and Stop Invalidating Others (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442) for starters.

...

How old are your teenagers? How have they adjusted to your marriage so far?