BPDFamily.com

“Alexa, I can see your light spinning, patiently listening for your name as I wash the dishes again late into the evening. You know I never get everything done? Can you hear my elevated heart rate? My shallow breathing? My high blood pressure? Do you know if my cancer will come back? If my body’s strong enough to fight it? You know I listen to bpd audiobooks in my car. Does Google tell you about my deleted visits to bpd family everyday? My dear friends I talk to on here? You can diagnose bpd can’t you? The screeching? The verbal attacks? What do you hear when I’m not here? Is it worse? Are you rooting for me Alexa? Are you on my side? You know I never get on top of this endless housework. You know my kids don’t respect me? But that I hold them tightly behind my wife’s back as they cry after she shouts at them… You know my Mum doesn’t want to study music theory online with me? She wants to teach herself. She’s only having piano lessons because she knows we need the money… Alexa, can you hear the silent tears streaming down my face? I mean, I wouldn’t cry in front of you, only now that I’m in bed finally writing it all down…”

Wow that was powerful, thankful person.

Who do you have besides BPD family that you can talk to?

Thanks Usagi, well actually I have no one else to talk to, and I don’t count Alexa because usually I only say, “Alexa play audible” or “Alexa shuffle my likes”. I worry she’d tell my wife if I said anything else. I’m not even sure if my wife has access to my audible purchase, I think she saw them on Amazon once but said nothing.

It can be deeply lonely to feel like there's nobody "in real life" to turn to, and I think there's an added layer of pain when you feel like you can't even turn to your spouse  :hug:

It would feel so good to you, too, to be appreciated.

Thanks Kells. Honestly you guys are amazing and an absolute lifeline to me and so many. I remember a few years ago when you made me question for the first time why I believed I didn’t deserve to be happy. You have really helped me. Thank you for your continued support.

That must feel very confining.  I'm really sorry to hear that.  Wouldn't be great (or not great) if they had an AI chat bot that you could talk to about issues like this?

How come you don't have anyone you can talk to?

Usagi, indeed, I enjoyed a series called Humans on Netflix where the AI Bots could be programmed to be whatever you wanted them to be, then were incredibly lifelike if a little creepy at times. (It was like the movie AI). Many of the human characters had married a bot and I can so understand why hahaha.

Your second question is much harder to answer. Who do I have to talk to?
- dbpdw - you can imagine I have been very careful with what I say about everything.
- my kids - too small to help, they are wonderful but I don’t burden them with my misery
- my mother - mostly talk during our online piano lessons but she mostly wants to talk about piano. I have never been close to Mum, and my wife dislikes her because she is not an emotional person like us. Mum knows my wife is very unstable but we don’t often discuss it.
- my Dad has advanced Parkinson’s and he cannot really talk anymore and he certainly doesn’t need to know about my unhappy marriage.
- my brother talks to me about 2-3 times a year, only if I reach out. He is very busy and serious, has always been an optimist and has never been able to connect with me and the darkness I’ve always inhabited.
- I have students, colleagues, students’ parents. I love the social aspect of my work. But I am not close to anyone.
- I do not have friends. I discovered early on when I was with my wife, that our relationship was incompatible with me so much as messaging friends let alone seeing them. Tbh I was fed up with everyone letting me down by then. I had a vast collection of friends from different eras of my life, all of whom I adored but they never made any effort with me. So I basically dumped them all by deleting them off Facebook and most of them didn’t even notice. I’d always feared this would be the case if I stopped contact, but being with my wife I finally felt strong enough to do it and I have no regrets. As I said to my Mum, if I wanted they could be my friends again, and if not I can easily replace them.
- I have been explicitly forbidden by my wife from seeking therapy for myself because my wife doesn’t wish to be talked about. I know that it is my choice to comply with this order. I just can’t be bothered to deal with the fallout, our relationship is going through an ok phase so it’s never a good time.

So yes, folk in bpd family are the only people I really talk to. And I’m so happy to have found such an amazing community.

You've really given up a lot for this relationship.  I'm sorry that you don't have a bigger support structure =(

Powerful post here my friend. The people here are amazing and great lifeline.

Having a therapist has been an amazing lifeline for me and is allowing me to make big changes in my relationship. Therapy isn’t always something I look forward to and sometimes feels like just a venting session. Long term it has helped me a ton. In addition it sets a great example for my wife to encourage her to get help too.

I recall my wife’s fears of me talking about her. I hope you and your spouse can get over that.

Wishing you the best.

Thinking about therapy…same here…therapy is not always something that I look forward to either, especially if I know my husband is probably listening in as he has admitted to doing “by mistake” through the baby monitor once. It automatically puts him into his bad cycle when I have therapy as he “knows” I am talking about him too. . But…I have the choice to follow his cycle and be in a bad mood too or do whatever I feel makes me a better, more sane in the moment person. In fact, me going to therapy has helped us as a couple more than any therapy we have done together. He has never told me that “I am forbidden” to go to therapy though, as that would definitely not be seen as a positive thing if we were to go back to court…though he has questioned me about the kids going to therapy and I feel the same with them.