BPDFamily.com

Good evening. I am really struggling and need advice or just some support from people in similar situations.  My 30 year old daughter has borderline personality disorder, bi polar depression and is a meth addict. She has pretty much used up all of her friends and family members,  her boyfriend broke up with her because she was being verbally and physically abusive, and I cut her off financially after she and her last boyfriend were using drugs in my basement. She had been sneaking him in so he wouldn't be homeless. I had no idea. And he proceeded to steal things every time we were away from the home. ANYWAY, I currently have her almost 3 year old daughter living with my husband and I. She has been with us since April 2023 and her mom got arrested and has not been in the home since August 2023.  She is not allowed in our home anymore. But I bring her daughter to her so they can spend time together. When she is in a good emotional state, she is sweet and funny and a great mom. But with no warning, she gets angry, aggressive,  and unreasonable.  She lashed out yesterday and today, threatened suicide, hit her boyfriend, repeatedly punched herself, and was texting me saying that I was a monster for keeping her daughter from her. I try not to engage. But is there anything I can do that might help her? She is on meds, relapsed last week, but only once according to her. She is in therapy and has a psychiatrist.  As her mom,  I am brokenhearted and scared for her. But I am also tired of the constant drama. She has lived in 4 different places in the past three weeks and has been on the streets a day or two here and there. Anyone have any words of wisdom???

Hi and welcome.
 From my viewpoint you are doing a lot to help her presently.  You are caring for your grand daughter .  In addition , your daughter is in therapy and taking meds, so she is at least sort of compliant with healing.  Maybe the thing that is sticking you is her constant reacting/ blow outs - that you cannot control.  Remember that.  You can't help her self soothe, but you can help soothe yourself.  Not sure how often you visit with your daughter but a first  baby step could be limiting the time. Or instead of visiting X amount of days a week, you could cut that down to a smaller number.   You do not have to be her whipping post as  you don't owe her ( or yourself) that. Think of a boundary  ( less amount of days, less amount of time, whatever you want the boundary to be) and then in a moment of calm, you can perhaps let your daughter know if she starts with the verbal abuse , you will leave / cut back on visists/ whatever the boundary is that you are comfortable with enforcing.   Here is some reading from  this website on boundaries  you may want to take a look at. https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries
Please write back and keep us posted.  You are not alone.

You're doing everything right- I went down the same path with my BPD/bipolar kid (now 25) and we also forced her out due to unsavory decisions.  We didn't have the drug problems other than pot though- she tried everything else and thankfully didn't like any of it.

As Swimmy said, keep extending your boundaries when it comes to physical contact.  You'll happily meet her, and you'll happily leave immediately if abusive language is used.  You can try to soothe her emotions in the moment but if that doesn't work, the correct response would be to walk away every time. 

It also might help to repeatedly state that you didn't take her daughter, her decisions caused that scenario.  Hold her accountable for her actions and if she doesn't like it...oh well.  She should make better decisions.  Don't accept that constant blame though because this is all on her.

Finally, if she threatens to hurt herself or others, dial 9-1-1.  If she's bluffing, oh well...make better decisions next time.  If she's serious, then she gets help...to help her make better decisions next time.  You have to teach her through actions that it's not okay to pin that kind of stuff on you just because she's having a bad day.  I've learned through experience that the ambulance rides, the waiting in the hospital, the transfer to a mental facility...my kid hates all of that.  Good, make better decisions next time. 

We did that over and over and over again until she finally realized that she needed help, needed to take treatment seriously.  For my kid, that happened around 23 and she's a different person at 25.  Still sick, still unstable at times, but much better off than a few years ago.

For what it's worth, she was in therapy since she was an early teen.  Nothing changes until they're ready to change though, until they're ready to accept responsibility for their own lives.  Nobody can force that on them...it just doesn't work.  But the more you enforce right/wrong and healthy boundaries, the more it sinks in that it's no way to live.

I hope that helps!

I love Swimmy and Poke's advice. Boundaries are important. I'm not sure how often you visit her, but maybe there's a way to make a visit contingent on her making better choices.