BPDFamily.com

I don't want to be.  The woman I love has always been difficult and argumentative, but post-pandemic has become impossible. After casting about to try and find out why and what I could do to help, I stumbled upon BPD and it clicked. It was always there -- unhelpful but manageable. Now, it is regular and catastrophic.

There are kids involved and they need to be protected so that this doesn't further scar them.  Secondarily, there is my career and all of my own mental quirks and shortcomings. I have a dry, self depreciating sense of humor and a high level of self awareness.  I have a healthy ego, skills, support, and resources and am optimistic that I will get to a better place in a few years.  But, the immediate future is intimidating.

I need to determine quickly if she is open to getting help. If so, I am in it to support her.  If not, I need to make some  hard decisions to protect our kids.

 :hi:
Welcome, though as we all are aware, the reasons for being here are not due to joys in our lives.  In a sense, we have no choice but to be here in peer support, at least while we figure out where we are and what we have to do.

And you've found a community of others who have "been there, done that".  Please, take advantage of our shared collective wisdom that has stood the test of time.

Let me start by asking whether you've tried local in-person counseling?  I recall my divorce attorney telling me, "Family court loves counseling."  So, for example, if your children's mother tries to obstruct you from seeking counselors for the children, then likely court will agree it's good to proceed and support you.

You'd like to quickly know which way your path takes.  Understandable.  Quite likely it won't be that easy.  Just as people are different, so are people with BPD (pwBPD).  The traits that help identify a Personality Disorder vary from person to person.  So it's not a simple checklist that fits everyone.  However, it's also true that there are often common patterns of behavior and misbehavior.  We are constantly reading posts from our members where we comment how similar - the patterns - our different stories are.

Perhaps even before you risk a potential overreaction from your partner it might be wise to scope out where you stand legally as a spouse and parent.  It may be wise to interview - or seek consultations with - a few lawyers (solicitors or family law attorneys) who know your state's laws and the local family/domestic courts.  Very important... wisdom dictates that this would be done with utmost privacy and confidentiality.  You are not obligated to 'confess' obtaining such legal advice.

A common reaction when broaching the need for addressing the family's discord with counseling or therapy is Denial, possibly too Blaming and Blame Shifting.  She may refuse from the start.  Or may agree at first and then all too soon claim she's fixed and doesn't need it any more.  Or she may cooperate.  You won't know for sure which way it will go.  But therapy is not a quick fix, it is a years-long effort to improve one's perceptions, thinking and reactions to life.  It would not be easy for her.

Others will add their thoughts and experiences soon too.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm really sorry you're going through this.

A few quick questions so we're all on the same page:

- Are you still together or separated?
- What has escalated recently to bring you here?
- Would you prefer to work things out if possible?

As Forever said, counseling is a solid option regardless...whether it's couples, for her, or just for you.  The support makes a huge difference and can help guide you while also giving practical advice on navigating this.  There is still hope if that's the path you'd prefer, but it's going to require some work from everyone.  Better communication is the foundation and you can learn more about that in the "tips" section at the top of this page.

Just know that this is both of you- communication goes both ways.  Asking her to "get help" may be viewed by her as counter-productive and invalidating, which is the root of BPD challenges to begin with.  Just let us know how we can help!