BPDFamily.com

I'm writing this as an update from my experience with my Exgf who was diagnosed with BPD in the last 6 months of our almost 4 year relationship. I'm doing this to help me see how far I've come, but to also hopefully let others see that recovery is possible.
I know that everyone here has their own experiences with someone with BPD, and whether it was a short experience or something longer, we have all been damaged in some ways that left us confused and hurt, so heres a short summary of my own experience:

We met at work and started dating. We were moved in together within the first year of the relationship. I was smitten and in love with her already, so some of the obvious red flags in the beginning weren't obvious while seen through my rose-tinted glasses. But since the beginning she had always shown signs of trust issues with me. She wrongfully assumed I was the type of person always out on dates and talking with multiple women when in reality I am just an introverted person who prefers to stay in and play games or watch movies instead of socializing. I made it a goal to be up front with her and truthful about things that could hurt the relationship, such as letting her know that I had preciously taken a co-worker out to the movies a couple of times before i met my ex because I was interested in her. The dates didn't lead to anything at all and there was zero chemistry between us, but I felt my ex should know about it on the off chance she hears about the dates from someone else(work gossip) and wrongfully assumes I was keeping secrets from her. She ended up hating that co-worker and assuming we were still interested in eachother. From there began the many inexusable actions she took, such as tracking my location using an app while I went to visit family, secretly filming me when she left the room to see if I was texting anyone,looking through my phone(specifically my texts and social media chats to see if I was talking with someone else), and questioning me about every female friend and females I follow on social media she felt threatened by wondering what my relationship to them was(Usually a relative or an old friend from school while growing up). She was bothered when one of the friends was a girl I used to date a long time ago and things ended amicably, going as far as scrolling through the girls entire facebook history until she eventually saw photos of us from 4 years before ever meeting my ex. Fights continued, and she was constantly looking for reasons to be upset at me. Every boundary I tried to place she would push and push until I let her tear it down in hopes that it was proving I loved her and only her. Finally towards the end, the fights over nothing were happening every other week until I was completely broken and decided to end the relationship and leave the apartment we had together to move back with my family.

Its not the most exciting story, but I'm sure some can relate to the feelings I had while going through it. Once I moved back, I discovered this site and decided to go No Contact with her, despite her having tried reaching back out numerous times within the first couple of months before she ultimately blocked me and my family from everything. I spent the next 8 months feeling miserable, confused, and depressed while also drinking heavily and smoking a lot of weed to try and numb myself from the pain. Those 8 months were a really dark time for me, as I spent so long in my own head trying to figure out what the hell happened. What I could have done better, etc. I was the unhealthiest I've ever been both physically from all the drinking and mentally.
I knew I had to do something different in order for things to change. I couldn't just drink myself numb every night. Even my immediate family was concerned the effects of the break up were having on me. Fortunately I had several months worth of expenses saved up, prompting me to leave a 7 year long career I had in the financial sector to give myself time to reflect and figure out what I needed to do with myself. The few months I spent not working allowed me to really reflect on myself as a person, on what BPD was, and about the relationship. Finally the healing process had begun. I eventually accepted the fact that the relationship was toxic. The girl I was planning on marrying would not have been a good wife or partner to me, as I would be devoting myself to someone who requires constant reassurance and affirmations that I wasn't being unfaithful. I would basically be her emotional babysitter, sacrificing what I need in a relationship to keep her content at best. There was nothing I could do, and what she needs in life needs to be something that she works towards. I would never be able to give her the love and peace she desires if she is incapable of doing that for herself first.

At the end of the month will be a year since leaving the relationship. I finished taking a course that will allow me to begin working in the medical field, and I start my externship next week. I still live at home, but my mental health has been the best its been since being in the relationship with her. Don't get me wrong, I still think back to the relationship on an almost daily basis and have the occasional "sad days" because of my thoughts(Healing is definitely a process), but with my actions and changes I've made, its been an easier process to not ruminate on those thoughts. I can look back on the relationship, understand what happened, and accept that it's over. I don't hate her, resent her, or even blame her like I did when I first left. She is a conflicted and traumatized person who is suffering with a disorder that makes her behave the way she does. She didn't intentionally seek to hurt me the ways that she did. But what is done, is done. I do not expect any closure from what happened, nor do I expect her to reach back out to me one day with an apology or understanding of what she did. My closure is putting myself back together again and moving on with my life. And although I'm not in a place where I am ready to seek out another romantic relationship any time soon, I am of the mindset that I can find love again in the future. Being with her was an eye-opening experience that taught me a lot about myself. It revealed my own co-dependent tendencies and taught me the things I will and will not tolerate in future relationships. I work now to be in a better place in life, re-building the boundaries I let her break down and becoming a stronger person. While I still think about her, it is now with thoughts of hope for her benefit. I hope she gets the help she needs and finds the happiness she desires, even though it is not with me. I hope she finds someone that wants to marry her so she can be a mother as she's always wanted. I hope she gets better for her own sake.

Writing this out has been therapeutic for me, and I sincerely hope that it helps someone on here who is struggling in some ways. No matter what your situation was, how you were treated, or how hopeless everything can feel in the darkest of times, just know that there IS a light at the end for us who have been emotionally traumatized by someone with this disorder. It comes with time, reflection, acceptance, and the willingness to make the changes you feel are needed.

Hi Juantelamela,

I'm so glad you have given yourself the time to grieve for, make sense of, and grow from your past relationship. These lines particularly stuck out to me:


This site understandably has many people actively experiencing manipulation and abuse. It also has many people grieving for, and dealing with difficulties after breakups. In my opinion, the one thing it's lacking is how people have dealt with the pain and started life again after the breakups. There are too few success stories. So I'm really glad to see yours. Please keep updating, because when I first got out of my relationship, this is the exact kind of post I would've loved to have seen.

I am now 9 months from when I broke up with my dBPDxgf. It was painful and horrible. I was scared and angry, I was hurt and afraid, etc. With time, therapy, and a solid support system, I've been able to restart my life again. So I relate so much to what you've said about realizing your own co-dependent nature, overlooking red flags, feeling sorry for her and also wishing her the best but also understanding that she is mentally disordered, etc. And re-building boundaries seems like it takes work—I'm proud of working on it myself, and I'm really happy to hear you're being successful at rebuilding yours.

Are there any takeaways you've realized at the year mark? You've been rebuilding yourself—what kind of person do you want to rebuild to? What steps have you taken to make sure this never happens again?

-TheRedLion

I am also on this journey and glad to read of some fellow travelers that are succeeding in rebuilding and starting over after all the pain and hurt from our experiences with disordered/abusive pwBPD.

I just wanted to say hello and thank you. This is what I needed to see today to keep up my healing momentum.

YB

Also, I wanted to say while I don't hate my ex, I only forgive him for the abuse so that I can move on.

He's not only disordered but also abusive and I believe completely aware of that behavior aspect. Whether he knows he is mentally ill and BPD (maybe NPD and ASPD) I do not know nor care; however, he has a choice to be abusive to others and continues that behavior willingly.

I guess the biggest takeaway was realizing my own co-dependent nature. I've always been co-dependent with all of my relationships. I've always let things slide or put up with intolerable behavior because the love I was receiving felt validating. A lot of boundaries were broken because of this. It wasnt until being with a person suffering from BPD that I realized I couldn't be that guy any more after having every boundary tested and broken down. It's like you are slowly forgetting who you are and what values you hold. For the longest time my mindset has been "If someone can be in a relationship with me and love me, then that means I am worth loving and deserve a relationship" when it really should be "I AM worth loving and deserve a loving relationship".

As for what i'm rebuilding towards, well its about finding that self-love again. My biggest mistake was trading that self-love for the love of others. And because of this I end up resenting that person, but more importantly, myself. So with that, the most important thing for me to do is to work at being the person I want to be.If I can love myself again then it doesn't really matter if someone else does or not. I know it sounds cliche but the whole "Plant the garden and the butterflies will come" makes a lot more sense to me now. And even if the butterflies don't come, you can still admire the beautiful garden you worked so hard to create.

@yellowbutterfly great to hear from you and glad to hear you're doing well on you're healing journey!


This is a great clarification. For a long time I was so hung up on intent. It supposedly wasn't my ex's intention to be abusive. She supposedly didn't intend to do harm. But a lot of my therapy has been focusing on the actions rather than the intent. Regardless of her goals (which may or may not have been malicious), she was abusive nonetheless. She did do harm to me.

I haven't forgiven her for how she treated me and what I had to go through. I still do feel sorry for her. But her traumas are not my burden to carry. As Juantelamela wrote:


I too hope my ex gets better, seeks out therapy, and learns how to emotionally regulate herself and treat others who are close to her in a non-abusive manner. But it's not my job to get her there. I don't want to be apart of her life anymore. And she won't be apart of mine.

What I do have control over is myself. I get control over my own therapy. I get to decide who I interact with, spend time with, and invest in. I can see my family on a regular basis. I can focus on, and be passionate about my work. After losing myself in the relationship, all of these opportunities feel so promising, so exciting and freeing. I'm putting in the effort to make sure when an opportunity appears, I'm ready for it. And if it doesn't work out, it's not tied to my self-worth—I'm the same person I was before. But I'm ready.

@Juantelamela That's a great takeaway that I've been working on too. Moving from "If someone can be in a relationship with me and love me, then that means I am worth loving and deserve a relationship" to "I AM worth loving and deserve a loving relationship" is such a good realization. I first really struggled with self-love when I let my boundaries shatter for my dBPDxgf. Building up my boundaries and clearly defining my own self has been a new, challenging, and wonderful experience. Sounds like you're further along then me—I'm really glad to hear you have been finding yourself this last year.


Haven't heard this one but I really like it—what a beautiful parallel. I'll be using it from now on. Thanks for this wonderful line!