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I’ve worked very hard on setting boundaries and self care,
but  there is one problem that looms largely and is dangerous.  He now drives while watching his favorite YouTube channels. 

He started by listening to music on the phone, and fiddling with it to switch songs, while driving. I always offered to take care of it while he drives, but he rarely allowed it, and I didn’t want to wrestle the phone out of his hands. 

Now, he’ll mount the iPad or phone on the dashboard, and keep YouTube on, while he drives.  He claims he’s not watching — just listening, but it’s not true.  Because I’ve offered to hold it in my lap, but he won’t allow it.  And he refuses to stop. 

So now, I must limit my time in the car with him. It’s too dangerous. He does this on highways.  We’re not in the car much, because we live in a big city.  So I’m practicing saying NO, the next time he wants me to come with him when he’s driving the car.  I just can’t do it.   I fear for his life and mine. It’s only a matter of time before “Jesus takes the wheel.”

I’m stressed because today we need to go somewhere and i need to get in the car with him. I pray my talks and pleadings have worked.  Because I can’t do this anymore. I don’t know if he has a death wish. I don’t know why he needs the distraction while driving.  I just know he won’t stop.   I might call the police on him. Something has to be done.  This is the last straw.  No one should have to put up with this.  I can’t believe his level of mental illness. 

Just when I was focusing on my life and friends, and doing better with him at home, now this.  He’s always upping the ante. 

I don’t know what to do.  I need help. 

Yes  |iiii

Great approach to find a solution that is 100% under your control -- that is a true boundary.

Real boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0), when a pwBPD is involved, can be inconvenient, but your power over your own life is more important.

What are some approaches to saying No that you've practiced?

Some wise members here have posted that " 'No' is a complete sentence". I have to remember that I don't have to explain my boundaries. Even "No thanks, I have it covered" can work.

...


True boundaries can sometimes be expensive, too, yet at the same time, your safety is most important.

I wonder if an approach could be:

"I'm able to ride in vehicles when ipad and iphone screens are off, or are only providing directions. If a tech screen is on and doing something besides directions, I will stop riding in that vehicle and find an alternative."

And at that point, take a taxi, bus, Uber, Lyft, tram, subway, rideshare, or bike taxi.

While it would cost money and be an inconvenience, it would mean that you are respecting your own boundary -- and you're the most important person to respect your own boundary.

These are difficult situations.

Kells76,

Thank you so much. 

I’m practicing just saying NO, without an explanation, and sticking to it.  And I’m prepared to take alternate modes of  transportation, no matter the cost. 

Fortunately, the last time we went out, he didn’t mount his iPad or iPhone on the dashboard.  I was relieved.  Perhaps he listened to me when I explained that the consequences could go far behind getting a ticket or points on his license.  And of course, I told him I didn’t want to ride with him if he continued to do it.

I hope he continues to do the right thing.