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Title: Boundaries Post by: pinksocks on April 10, 2024, 02:36:55 PM Hi! This is my first post on this forum.
My partner recently was diagnosed with BPD but struggled with symptoms and episodes starting at the beginning of our relationship. We have been together for about 6 months now and I know that I love her so much and I want to be the best partner for her while she navigates her feelings and life with BPD. I have had a past of giving too much of myself to the point of resentment in every other relationship I've had. I am desperate to break the cycle. This morning I had planned to go to a yoga class, something that I had informed her in advance that I was going to do. Physical wellness is very important to me and I haven't had the energy or motivation to go to a class recently. I ended up missing the class because my partner woke up to a splitting episode where all she could focus on was me leaving and abandoning her. This has been her first one in a couple weeks since she has seen so much improvement after starting a mood stabilizer. Later on today, I started a text conversation with her about some of my boundaries moving forwards. I told her that I need to put my emotional needs before hers, because it does no good for her or me or our relationship if I'm trying to feel her pain with her. She communicated to me that she puts me before anything else, even herself. That scares me and I know is not healthy or good for her and also know that it goes back to her struggle to see her self worth or feel deserving of love. She continued on to say that she now feels that she cannot share her negative feelings with me or around me for fear that it will cause me to sacrifice something which will then lead to me hating her and leaving her. Help what do I do? I just want healthy boundaries for both of us. Title: Re: Boundaries Post by: SinisterComplex on April 14, 2024, 02:58:14 AM Hi! This is my first post on this forum. My partner recently was diagnosed with BPD but struggled with symptoms and episodes starting at the beginning of our relationship. We have been together for about 6 months now and I know that I love her so much and I want to be the best partner for her while she navigates her feelings and life with BPD. I have had a past of giving too much of myself to the point of resentment in every other relationship I've had. I am desperate to break the cycle. This morning I had planned to go to a yoga class, something that I had informed her in advance that I was going to do. Physical wellness is very important to me and I haven't had the energy or motivation to go to a class recently. I ended up missing the class because my partner woke up to a splitting episode where all she could focus on was me leaving and abandoning her. This has been her first one in a couple weeks since she has seen so much improvement after starting a mood stabilizer. Later on today, I started a text conversation with her about some of my boundaries moving forwards. I told her that I need to put my emotional needs before hers, because it does no good for her or me or our relationship if I'm trying to feel her pain with her. She communicated to me that she puts me before anything else, even herself. That scares me and I know is not healthy or good for her and also know that it goes back to her struggle to see her self worth or feel deserving of love. She continued on to say that she now feels that she cannot share her negative feelings with me or around me for fear that it will cause me to sacrifice something which will then lead to me hating her and leaving her. Help what do I do? I just want healthy boundaries for both of us. Hello and Welcome to the fam... :hi: So as to not throw too much at you too soon. Might I suggest perusing our Library to access our Tools and Skills Workshops. To help get you started and pointed in the right direction check out these 2 specific resources: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0 https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0 Also, please continue to post and ask as many questions as you need to and share as much as you want to. We will have your back here. In the meantime please be kind to you and please take care of yourself. Cheers and Best Wishes! -SC- Title: Re: Boundaries Post by: Pook075 on April 14, 2024, 09:44:50 AM Hello and welcome Pink! I'm so sorry you're going through this. There's a huge learning curve involved with BPD and you're in a position that so many of us have found ourselves in as well- the push/pull dynamic.
It's good that you shared your feelings and started making boundaries. However, it may have come across as invalidating and caused some initial chaos. That's okay, this is a time to double down on communication. She communicated to me that she puts me before anything else, even herself. That scares me and I know is not healthy or good for her and also know that it goes back to her struggle to see her self worth or feel deserving of love. In your opinion, is the above statement accurate? Or is that simply her viewpoint but not really true? She continued on to say that she now feels that she cannot share her negative feelings with me or around me for fear that it will cause me to sacrifice something which will then lead to me hating her and leaving her. Looking at this through a BPD lens, I can see where she'd get to this conclusion. Hopefully you can see that this is not the outcome you want; the goal here is for both of you to share your feelings in a productive, healthy way. You want to know what she's feeling but at the same time, you don't want to outpouring of drama that makes the relationship unstable. It's important to express this in a validating way. As Sinister mentioned, take a look at the workshop to study some practical skills that make it easier to communicate with validation. These techniques are not intuitive at first and take some practice. In time though, your relationship can improve and get past this if you're willing to put in the work. Questions- do you live together permanently? Do you have personal time outside the relationship? |