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My parter is in a time of… perpetual crisis right now. I am having difficulty balancing caring for him and everyday life.

I want to be there for him, and support him to the best of my abilities/ limits. This is challenging. When he is really “in the thick of it” he can be confusing, illogical, and just plain mean. I’m working on strategies like: just letting him speak, validation (carefully! He reads a lot of validation as not genuine), calming myself with deep breaths, and upholding my boundaries (leaving the conversation when he won’t stop saying hurtful things to me).

But my big issue is going back to my “everyday life.” I have chores to do, work to do, friend and family commitments. I want to go on walks, read books, do yoga, whatever. But after speaking to him “in crisis mode” I’m so keyed up that I find it really hard to detach a bit and calm down. I find myself ruminating, wondering if I could have handled things better, thinking of ways I could help. I over research, reading message boards and articles (that just tell me all the things I already know! I have read so many books on BPD! It’s just my brain keeps telling me I’m “missing something”).

Any tips for getting out of my head, accepting that I’m doing the best that I can, and finding the calm/motivation I need to actually live my life outside of my role of partner/caregiver?

Hello and thanks for sharing.

I think the part you're missing is that you always come first.  It's fantastic that you provide support and affirmation, but it's not so fantastic if you're doing it at your own mental health expense.  There has to be a balance there where everyone gets what they need, and you can't listen endlessly to crisis while hoping to keep your own sanity.  I've tried to walk that path with my BPD daughter and it would quite literally drive me insane at times.

For instance, she had plans to 'kidnap' a newborn once a niece gave birth. The niece wanted her to adopt, but my daughter couldn't legally do that.  So she came up with a scheme to just take the baby from the hospital and bring it back to our state.  And I listened to this unfold for days, weeks, months...calmly explaining that the law wouldn't allow that while being completely ignored.  She became so disillusioned that she snapped on me, making demands about my responsibility as the grandfather.  And I just couldn't take it anymore, I was getting sucked into everything and I was a wreck.

Listening with empathy is critical, but there are limits for each of us.  Your own needs come first and that allows you to be much more mentally stable for your partner.  I hope that helps.

Thanks so much for your reply. I think I just need to practice this (I understand all the theory about self care and limits and putting my own oxygen mask on first - just have trouble actually doing it in practice!). But it’s a really helpful reminder and validation of how important this is. And remembering this helps my partner too is a really good nudge in the right direction.


And WOW. That’s an intense and difficult situation you described with your daughter. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, and I hope everyone involved is okay.