BPDFamily.com

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year, and when we got together, he informed me of his BPD. Our relationship isn't perfect, but it has worked so far. Recently, he's been struggling mentally. He had been unmedicated for almost a year and recently got back on it. Now that he's back on it, his behavior has changed, which I expected. However, a couple weeks ago, he went no contact and one morning sent me a long text explaining how he needs space to recover mentally. I didn't have a problem with this because I understand he deals with emotions differently. However, after asking for clarification on the status of our relationship, he wouldn't answer. He continued to not answer my texts. I ended up calling him two weeks later, and he finally answered the phone after the third call. We met up and talked about how he's struggling, and to conclude, he wants to go through this episode completely alone and with no contact from me. Is there anyway I can support him even from a distance, and when he comes out of it, is the relationship worth pursuing? I can't tell if this is his version of pushing me away to prove that he will always be abandoned, if it really is him needing space to gather himself, or if he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

how difficult it must be to not know where you stand, and to not have any answers  :hug:

i hope that as you go through this, you can find support here.

its a rock and a hard place, for sure. it is definitely best not to push; it is, in general, but with someone self isolating, it can push them away further.

mental health struggles are sort of a norm for someone with bpd. self isolating and needing space isnt uncommon. at the same time, being back on his medication, and focusing again on recovery may be a really significant life change for him, bigger than it might seem to you or me, and it can bring up a lot of complicated feelings.

that, in turn, can be especially hurtful to loved ones, and its a pretty difficult place for you to be, obviously.


that, ultimately, is a question only you can answer. we can support you and inform you as you grapple with it. its not easy to love someone with bpd, and "stay or go" is an intensely personal, complicated decision.

has he ever done anything like this before?

I talked to his sister and she told me that he does have a tendency to do this in his relationships (Something I wish I would have known). Is there anything I can do to support him aside from giving him the space he wants? I do not want to keep prying him if its only going to push him away more or prevent him from making progress, but I also want him to see that I am here for him still.

All relationships are different.  For me, I've found that 'pings' are more likely to be returned when they don't require any effort from the BPD side.  For example, I don't use "how are you feeling?" or "you ok?" or even ANY form of a question really.  Because that requires the "effort" of formulating a response.  I try to simply offer a comment like "I had three cups of coffee this morning ... feeling pretty jittery" ... or whatever ... "Picked up steaks to grill at the store today".  I find these sometimes are more likely to draw a friendly response like "wow that's too much coffee".

You're not trying to fix the whole relationship with one message.  You're really just looking for a 'ping' back.  Which can sometimes lead to more communication (but not always).

You also have to absolutely be prepared for silence.  You can't EXPECT a reply.  You have to expect nothing, and be pleasantly surprised if you get a reply.  Rather than expecting a reply, and being devastated when you get silence.

You can also take the guesswork out of it by writing down a schedule for yourself.  "I'm going to send a message on Monday at 10am, Wednesday at 11am and Friday at noon".  This removes the "should I or shouldn't I" worrying from your own head.  Just set the schedule and expect to receive silence.  You're putting in the effort - it's his choice whether to engage.

Hang in there.

As Once Removed shared, this is a difficult position to be in and your options are limited.  Prying does = pushing him away, so my only advice would be to make each connection attempt count.

Also, now is the time to be a little more selfish and start putting your own needs above his.  This is not your fault and there's very little you can do to "fix this" other than being supportive and patient.

About your other question, if this is even worth pursuing anymore, none of us can answer that question.  Your relationship is unique and you're also unique, so nobody here would have enough information to make an informed guess.  Follow your heart and be true to yourself...whatever that means for you.  Then you can't go wrong no matter what he does.