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TRIGGER WARNING: Intimate Partner Violence (IPV)
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I don’t entirely know where to start with this. Maybe the shame? Or centering the harm? I just want help in making sure this doesn’t happen again.

My partner and I got into a fight yesterday and I pushed them.

We usually start our Sundays with a check-in, but I asked if we could skip it this week. I just wanted to relax and maybe go outside. She had realized we were out of cat-litter and was trying to order some online. I asked if we could cuddle instead of checking in, or maybe we could check-in in bed instead of where we normally do it. She felt overwhelmed by the number of options I was throwing out there. I could tell she was a little frustrated so I told her to take a few minutes to process. She was still focused on her phone and didn’t confirm anything.

I started reading a book. I don’t recall exactly how it happened, but I know she started telling me that it’s unfair of me to expect her to process everything I’m saying or asking so quickly. Her tone was heightened and her body language told me she was frustrated or upset. I told her that’s why I said to take 5 minutes to herself, but I also told her that it’d be nice if she just confirmed that she needed some time to finish what she was doing so I knew she wasn’t just ignoring me. She said that if I can tell she needed time she shouldn’t have to say it. I reminded her I have ADHD and an anxious attachment style, so confirmation is important. She’s autistic and avoidant.

I tried to go back to reading. At the same time I told her that I was starting to recognize a pattern, that sometimes maybe when I think I want to be really close, what I actually need is some solitude. This didn’t land well. She said those things are totally opposite. Instead of curiosity and desire to unpack that realization, I felt more intense emotions from her, which brought up intense feelings for me. I told her it felt like it was an important realization and I was annoyed that she didn’t seem to understand that.

I made the mistake of asking her “Why are you being such a butthole?” In hindsight, I know this was an escalation. And indeed our frustrations with each other did escalate. We have separate bedrooms so we both can have our own spaces when we need it. If I had been in her room I would have just got up and left and told her I need space. But she was in my room, so I told her to please leave. She was still talking but she did get up to leave.

When she got to the door she said “No, you don’t get to tell me to leave every time we start to disagree in your room.” I think her inner child was feeling disciplined and I know she has trauma around feeling powerless. I think she wanted to flex and stand her ground, which was an escalation in my perspective because I thought our ground rule of respecting each others’ spaces was being violated. At this point I started telling her “Get the PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) out of my room.” She said “I’m not going anywhere.” I told her I’d remove her from my room, which was a mistake.

From here it went downhill so fast. She called me an asshole. I called her a bitch. These are triggers for us. She started calling me a bitch too. I asked her if she was also going to call me an orphan (I’m basically adopted). I thought for some reason this would act as a lightning rod to let her know that was too far below the belt, too far a violation of our ground rules because she’d done that before and she knows how much it hurt me. Maybe it was bait? I just didn’t think she’d take it.

She called me an orphan and a faggot. I had had enough. I got out of bed and started trying to push her out of my room. She was trying to brace herself in the doorway, so I tried harder. I’m much stronger than she is, so after a minute or so she was out and the door was closed. She was yelling and hitting my door. My adrenaline was through the roof. The moment my door closed I felt relief, but I also immediately felt ashamed.

I’m deeply ashamed of having lost control. I’m ashamed of leaving marks on her where I grabbed to push her out. I don’t know if we should stay together.

These things have happened before in our relationship, albeit far apart. The last time something like this happened was over a year ago. I didn’t initiate the aggression that time, but I am the reason this pattern exists between us. We’ve been to couples counseling. I’ve gotten individual support too. I thought I was past this ever happening again, but here I am.

I don’t know what to do. I want my partner to feel safe and loved, and that even if we fight we’ll fight smart not reckless. I also know I want to be in a relationship with someone who knows yelling at me will only trigger me. Please, does anyone have advice? Thank you for reading.

Sorry you're going through this right now.  It sounds like you know physical violence is not a great path to be on.

Aside from the physical, I really don't like being in a relationship with someone who uses your most personal information to attack you in a fight.  Been there.  In the intimate times, you open up about your insecurities, only for those exact things to pop up in the next fight a few days later.  Believe it or not, there are actually people out there who don't fight "below the belt" as you say.  And I've never been able to change someone from a "below the belt" fighter to a "clean" fighter.  I don't have a LOT of experience, but maybe 3 "below the belt" relationships and none of them ever stopped fighting like that.  It's too much of an ingrained behavior.

You're on the "bettering" board, so your best bet may be to work on your own tools for handling the low blows.  Be ready for the insults.  Work with a T to understand they are just words and you don't have to take them personally.  Deflect the blows with a strong mind.  Of course, just because you make these changes, doesn't mean she will also learn the same tools.  That can be frustrating.   Keep us posted.

Thank you for the reply. Yes, physical violence is not the answer. I've already reached out to my network to try and resume the therapy I was getting to help me work on myself. I thought I had gotten pretty good at not responding to insults and just letting my partner vent, but there are words that make that really difficult.

What you said about never being able to get someone to change going below the belt, I really hope it can be done. We've gotten so much more gentle with how we fight. I think we both thought we were past most of this. It's really upsetting, like feeling all the work has been undone and we're back to square one.