BPDFamily.com

I have been in a relationship with a person that I love for 9 years. There have been many, many red flags along the way. I shrugged them off, thinking that we could work things out. When we first got together everything was amazing. She seemed to be the person that I was meant to be with. It was crazy how much we meshed, how into everything I was into, she was into. After a year, we moved in together. That's when things got bad. That's when the person I thought she was, turned into the person she was. She would yell at her kids constantly. When I suggested that we talk to the kids, setup rules and responsibilities, she would turn her aggression towards me. She set no boundaries, responsibilities, or limits on her kids. They ran wild. But when there was a mess in the kitchen, or a plate left in the living room, she was livid. I learned pretty quickly that I couldn't try to rationalize the fact that thee were her children, and she was responsible for teaching them what they needed to do. For expressing what was expected of them and enforcing it. That always became an argument. Fast forward to where we are now. She drinks from the time she leaves work until she can't anymore. Her youngest child, who lived with us, was 9 when mom started going to the bars with her friends as soon as she was off work until the bars closed. I would routinely have to explain to her child that mommy loves you, bit I don't know when she'll be home. After a while I got tired of having to parent a child that I had no way to help. Her mother's while world was wrapped up in having bar people make her feel wanted, and accepted. While her child sat at home feeling unwanted, and empty. I told her over and over again that I wasn't a hotel. She would leave work and go meet her bar friends, and neither I or her daughter would get any heads up. I had to go out and find her. Now, she lives in a trailer, in massive dept. I still help her any way that I can. We have a few good days together, but somehow, some way things blow up. She blames me for how I talk to her, after she finds every way she can to hurt, insult, berate, and incite me. I'm at the end of my rope. I have spent almost 10 years with her. We talked about BPD. She had a positive diagnosis years ago, bit resists that it was accurate. I'm no psychologist, so I can't say. But I've read every book put there about BPD, and just from the descriptions of the disorder, there's too much of what I've experienced that fit every description for me to question that it's not BPD.

So, after the long winded description of what I'm going through, if anyone has been patient enough to read all of that, I'm hopeful that there might be some people out there that could offer me some advice. I feel like there's no hope of ever actually reaching her. Of ever actually meaning anything to her. I feel like I'm in a whirlpool, and every once in a while I get some air, and that's awesome, almost addictive. But most of the time, I feel like I'm drowning. I can't communicate with the person that I love, and that's soul crushing. But she never seeks to care.

I'm not someone with low self esteem. I'm not someone who thinks that I can't find anyone else. Far from it. I'm someone who has been with this person for almost a decade. I see the good in her. I also know the trauma that she's been through. In a lot of ways, she's my hero for still standing. But I can't excuse her behavior because of that.

I'm hoping for some guidance from this community. I'm sorry for the rambling. I guess I have never really laid my feelings out like this before. Thank you to anyone who's read this, and thank you to this community for at the very least letting me vent all of this.

Bsha100,
  I can so understand, I could have written those words about my situation. You should genuinely, read all the information you can about BPD, that was were I started, so I could understand what was happening in my chaotic word. I can't tell you the number of videos I've watched on the subject as well. I don't think you will get the answers many of us are seeking, because they probably don't exist, BUT it will help you navigate your world, and hopefully understand the person that you love, in a different light.

Keep your head up :-)