BPDFamily.com

My 25 year old daughter had a trigger at work today and she called me and I realized right away she’s not taking her medication so I told her to go back to treatment. Insults started. I hung up and she started texting me horrible things. I can’t do this anymore. I love her but it’s destroying me.

Hi Rosana,
You certainly have the right to not have raging texts lobbed against you.  Can you think of a boundary you could live with / stick to with your daughter? For example, in a period of calm, can you tell her to not rage at you via text or else you will not respond?  Or you can block her for an hour ( or however long you can live with), or you can turn your phone off for a certain period of time, etc..

Check out the " Setting boundaries" under the " Tools" Tab along the top of this page.

Hi Rosanna,
I am a big believer in distancing yourself once a child has become an adult. I know that kids with BPD do not mature normally, but by 25 she can probably handle her own issues like this.
You did great in reminding/advising her to go back for treatment!

I would say that of course you don’t acknowledge her texts as she is in rage mode and it wouldn’t matter anyway.

Once she’s gotten past this issue (hopefully) and is calm, I would simply tell her that I am here for you, I cannot change most things, but I can advise you how to handle it.
And remind her of this after each event, so hopefully it will stick.

Keep reinforcing ideas to her, and hopefully someday she will remember. But try not to ever get angry with her.

I hope that helps!

Wishing you the best! OurWorld

Hi Rosanna,

I know it can be really tough to have a daughter with BPD.  At first blush, I think it's good that your daughter is communicating with you--many BPD daughters cut out their parents completely when they are upset.  It could be a good thing that she calls you when triggered, because she may need to vent and calm down.  Usually, venting with a loved one can be better than venting in a workplace, which could hurt her professional relationships and maybe get her fired.  If she's venting, maybe all she wants is a friendly ear, to talk things through and settle down.  She might not want a solution or advice!  If you can listen for a time, that could be helpful.  If she's droning on and on, and starting to talk in circles, you could say something like, honey, I think we've talked about this enough.  How's xyz doing?  If she doesn't take the hint and returns to venting (with no solutions in sight), gently say to her, Like I said, I think we can talk about something else now . . . and if she returns again, just say, If we continue to talk about this topic and not get anywhere, then I'm going to have to get back to what I was doing.  And then say goodbye.  I use this "three-strikes" approach frequently with a loved one who likes to vent.  Though I love her, she can get carried away with the venting and start to disrupt my day as well as my mood.  So I let her vent for some time, then try the "three-strikes" approach.

As for the nasty texts, what I would do is not respond to them.  By responding, you're giving her what she wants--a reaction.  But the nasty texts are a "red flag" that she's emotionally dysregulated.  She probably needs time and space to cool off.

If your daughter is autonomous and financially independent, I think it's best not to interfere, as she's an adult responsible for her own choices.  However, if you are supporting her, then I think you have a say.  It seems common that BPD, if untreated, prevents adult children from gaining independence.  If that is your daughter's case, I'd say that continued financial support from parents is conditioned upon getting therapy and taking any prescribed medications, as those are necessary to get on a path to emotional stability and independence.  Otherwise, financial support can turn into enablement of self-destructive behaviors.  So the boundary goes something like this:  if you do not continue with therapy and take your prescribed medications, I will not pay your rent--the choice is yours. 

My 53 year old son has BPD and he rages. We only see each other once a year because in the past he got physically abusive. If he goes off on me when I see him at Christmas, I simply get quiet and let him rant. That seems to calm him down. While I am listening, I pray for him. Then I make an excuse and go home. I put myself through this, because I contributed to his condition when I was a young mother. When I get home, I email him using SET communication which I learned from the book, "I Hate You; Don't Leave Me."

Support
Empathy
Truth

I say Karl: I understand you are upset. I feel sad for you. But you need to let the past go and focus on getting better. You need therapy. I love you. Mom

I have asked my son not to call me and when he does, I try to listen. When I have reached my saturation point, I make and excuse to leave. He feels rejected because of his BPD and I just hang up. Years ago, I would call back and apologize. That was before when I was codependent. I learned not to do that from a support group I went to. Here is the link.

https://codaforparents.boards.net/

I must say, these boundaries have helped. I can tell my son I have to go and "most of the time," he doesn't rage. I can sense his unhappiness, but I take care of myself. It is progress not perfection. I love my son. He is damaged and has no friends. I think I have found the right measure of support for me and him.