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She found a way to contact me

To say she loved me and missed me

That she is doing well and has insight and that I am not allowing her to show that. That I see her as the person she was.

I had two days of heart break.

Because the truth is she can’t emotionally open to me because she is so scared to and can’t.

I think doesn't want to anyway.

We have gone from horrible accusations to appreciating how good our relationship was.

All the things that should have been appreciated while she was in the relationship but didn’t.

She said she had an “episode” when she cheated on me and left me

I told her I can’t have a relationship where I can give three quarters of who I am. Not have a full relationship and make her happy.

She won’t allow me to do that

That is the truth

We can talk around in circles but the truth remains

She can pull me back but the truth remains

She is safe and I believe she is

She told me that this is who she is and she might go through it again

I appreciated that

That was probably the most honest thing she has every said

My head is messed up and now I need to start again

Again...

I'm exhausted

While I am told I am loved and missed

I am never told anything good about myself

If someone says something nice about me, I find it strange

That is kind of pathetic. 

Never to be enough and to be accused of wanting too much,  or she is never enough

Something is always never enough or too much

She's still the same person. This is blaming you for not validating her New Better Self. Self improvement is good, but personalities typically don't change. PwBPD have an unstable sense of self.

She even blamed me for the contact :) 

I yelled at her about it to just stop the crap. 

I can't tolerate it.  Being bent into someone else narrative. 

I don't like yelling.   I am not scared of anger.  I think anger is a normal emotion which should be expressed but in controlled way.   Yelling at someone is not a controlled way.   Therefore, I am out of control, and I know it.

She said you just lost your tolerance LOL yes you could say that.

Because I was super patient and controlled my frustration.  Everyone know how hard that is.

Gezz I was good at it.   I could take my frustration and turn it into something else.

"The Saint of the dissolution of frustration" should be given to me as a formal "title"   :)

I just don't want to anymore.   Plain and simple.

I am glad you said that about the new and improved.  Reminded me we have been here before.  It's my fault that she isn't able to keep up her new and improved self.  At some point that will be the dialogue.

Can you set your schedule to give me a pep talk every Friday.  That one was short but did the trick LOL

I have gone into no contact again.   I left it in a good way.   I don't like to leave her with something horrible.

The talk that I contacted her.  I can just see that as her telling people I won't stop contacting her.

I do love her and have empathy. 

But her version of so much is not realistic or true, and I am looking the worst for it. 

That is only going to get worse.  I can see it.

No contact.