BPDFamily.com

I'm a mother of a BPD daughter who is 38 years old.  She is very high-functioning, married, and a mother of two young girls.  Slowly she is destroying me.  I live 3 doors away from her (long and disastrous story) and now I feel trapped like I can't get out.  I have lost contact with almost everyone in my life becasue I have allowed her to control me.  Her brothers won't have anything to do with her and therefore, with me as well.  I am finally beginning to realize what I have done to myself by allowing her to control so many aspects of my life.  This is madness.
So I dusted off my notes and remebered this site along with NEABPD and have re-engaged.  I look forward to connecting with some like-minded people who also need support.   

Hello Cap1960,

You sound like you’re moving in the right direction since you admitted and realize that you have allowed her to control you, so BRAVO!

I have a daughter who is now 38; she’s quite high-functioning and has grown up as gifted with a photographic memory. Although it took me a longtime to actually realize that she had a personality disorder when she began acting out about 13, I never let her ‘get over’ on me in anyway! When she was 27 she cut off communication with me since she could no longer control what she said or how she said things and she respected me. I now also believe it had to do with feelings of abandonment when I moved overseas for a few years after she got her BA. At least she got her MBA on her own.

You may not be able to undo the fact that you’ve been taken in, but you can change that now that you have recognized it!

If moving a little further away is an option that would help tremendously.
Your first step is to stop listening and giving in to her ramblings and accusations. You don’t need to confront her, just let her know that you will no longer consider the things she says because anything that has happened does not matter and cannot be changed.
Then, for yourself, try and let go and forgive yourself for any of your past mistakes.

True forgiveness takes time; but ask God to help you and eventually He will remove this baggage of guilt and shame you have been carrying for so long.

I wish you the best, OurWorld

Hey Cap and welcome back!

The problem with having BPD kids is that kindness can easily be turned into control and manipulation.  Your kid doesn't want to deal with her own stuff and as long as she can blame everyone around her, that means that's she's right and there's no need to change.  In fact, the only way she'll change is by forcing her to accept the hard truth that nobody in this world owes her anything.

Pulling back from your kid will bring worse behavior because she does feel like you owe her for everything in life.  You must resist that and understand that all this is coming from mental illness.  It's okay to love her, but it's not okay to enable her.  Does that make sense?  So you must stop supporting her in ways that enable bad behavior (financial, emotional, etc).

You're responsible for you.  She's responsible for her.  Those are two very different things, and the abuse must stop.  You do not owe her anything at this point.

Hi Cap1960,

I know how difficult it is to realize that we no longer have the responsibility of parenting, since they don’t ‘grow up’ in many ways. That is why we just have to trust and let them go back in their creator’s hands (God).
But at least your daughter is in a relationship of sorts with you, I am not sure if she’ll ever reconnect with me again.
Continue showing how much you care and support her and ask her to just be your friend since she’s gotten older and done so well.

OurWorld

Hi Cap1960,

I hope for your own mental and physical health that you are letting go. I know it’s difficult, but you must move on. That could mean that she feels you are abandoning her and she may retaliate. But you MUST let go and live your own life.

She’s going to be ok, believe me I know how difficult it is to lose a child to this illness, but you need to live your own healthy life, and get out of the unhealthy one you have let yourself get sucked into.

It sounds like over the years you built a foundation, and while that is good, it sounds like you have immersed yourself in her unhealthy life. But you said yourself that she’s living her own functional life, so now it’s time to take back your own identity.
If you don’t, you too will sink into a MH pit and will struggle with problems you did not think you had.

Pat yourself on the back, show love, concern, and a sense of who you really are to her family and physically move away.

Remember who you really are, get some therapy and find the real you again; you will all be better for this. She can live her own life and you can restart your own!

I wish you the best, remember, the grieving over this will come to an end, even if it means thinking about her and your grands a lot. But you have GOT to continue your momentum and restart your own life again! It may be difficult at first, but things will get better and the Grands will see a healthy you which will be better for everyone!

You can do this!