BPDFamily.com

Hi

I’m new to this site and I’m not even sure I should be on it. If my wife found out, she’d be furious. I looked at previous BPD sites and she found out. It wasn’t a discussion, just a tirade of emotion as to why she didn’t have a mental illness and what was wrong with me to think she did.

Sadly, no reflection or discussion as to why I might think it. And that is really where I feel I’m struggling. There appears to be no issue or topic that doesn’t somehow trigger her reactions. The best way I’ve heard it described is like an emotional burns victim. The best way I describe it is a bit like Goldilocks: if I say things one way, she gets annoyed. If I say it another… she gets annoyed.

It’s really hard, particularly as she’s the most incredible person. Fun, funny, engaging, charming. She’s wonderful with other people on the outside. Unfortunately I see a lot of the internal struggles and battles. And while I accept I’m not all she wants (she will regularly tell me my failings), I’m trying. I admit that I’m starting to switch off and shut down. I know it’s out of self protection. She would say I’m being a ‘victim’ and I need to man up. But it’s hard if I hear a regularly constant stream of criticism and frustration with me.

She doesn’t hold back. It’s like a constant stream. Anything that she touches, sees, feels is expressed.

I have no formal diagnosis of bpd. I’ve just read a lot and soo many of the symptoms she has (though she’s clearly highly functional).

Unfortunately, she’s refused for the last few years to see a marriage counsellor or anyone to help facilitate and improve our relationship. Which is really why I’m reaching out. I really don’t know what to do. Weve been married 15 years, have wonderful kids, she’s an amazing mother. When we’re good, it’s great. When it’s bad… ouch.

Any thoughts or comments would be very helpful.

Hello Bdx4365 and a warm *welcome*

"Fortunately", no diagnosis of your partner is necessary to join here and learn new tools and skills. I've mentioned this in a couple of other posts here, but the issues we have aren't what the label or diagnosis is, it's the behaviors -- no matter what the behaviors are or aren't called.

A broad support structure and willingness to try new, unintuitive approaches can be key for trying to make changes in your relationship. And, "fortunately" again, you don't need your W's cooperation, approval, or agreement, for you to start learning about better ways to relate to her (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0).

I hear you that she wasn't interested in MC... do you have an individual counselor of your own?

How many kids do you have, and how old are they? Do any of them seem aware of the conflicts?

And would you say that the main issue for you is the constant stream of criticism, or maybe something else?

Fill us in -- we're here to walk alongside you.