BPDFamily.com

Going through a nasty divorce.   False allegations, cops, court filings, its just terrible and all I'm asking for is my kids half the time

Kids birthday and they were with me.  Wanted to be nice to their mom so I told her we could all go do something.   Kids were playing so of course I start talking to her.  Telling her we need to be more friendly, she's pissed says we aren't friends, accused me of stealing her money and all kinds of other untrue drama.  Found her online dating profile earlier in the day and asked her about it.  Told me she gets lots of interest she's so hot all that.

I'm an idiot so I told her it was good to see her and I missed her.  She starts crying then walks off for a few minutes.  Comes back grabs her stuff and storms off.

I ask her what's up she says she's leaving and to get out of her way or she will punch me, told me im psichotic.  Kids are like what's going on.  We walk out to her car and she speeds off.  Doesn't say bye to anyone, kids crying.

I text her asking to please communicate.   She says she's not crying because she missed me, I never said she did, but because I dont understand the trauma I put her and the kids through.   

So.  I'm an idiot.  I don't know why I still have feelings,  but it's hard to raise kids alone.   Anyone know why she was crying?  Why would she storm off?  I can't tell if she wants attention and wants mw to beg her, or if she's upset she lost a good thing,  and do I even want to open this can of worms.  No clue.   Does she want me to chase her?

Here is my 2 cents on this. This is a disfunctional relationship and it involves both of you. You each have a part of this. I am not singling you out- this is just fact- both people play a role in the dynamics.

From my own experience- the person with BPD is in victim position on the Karpman triangle. Regardless of anything your wife has done- she feels like the victim and you are the persecutor in this situation.

Her behhavior might be all over the place because, her emotions are too- due to BPD and her emotions are changing. Also because in her own state of feelings- that's about all she can perceive and handle.

So when you said you missed her- from her perspective- you just dumped your feelings on her- maybe you were expecting a response or testing the waters? To her, that could feel like imposing on her. It's also coming from victim perspective and that isn't acceptable. It could also be seen as an accusation.

Few marriages are so terrible that there also isn't a sense of loss or missing the good times with a divorce. Divorce happens because the bad aspects of the relationship exceed the good- not because there is zero good in them. So it makes sense that both of you have your moments of ambivalence. Telling her that you miss her was probably hard for her to hear no matter what she's decided. There's no way to know what she  is thinking.

I agree.   There were good times.  Talking about all this makes it seem all bad and terrible.   Don't get me wrong, right now it is.   I absolutely had a part in it, but when I think about what I could have done to get her to stop, it means me being completely non human and not having emotions, never being able to express myself,  and that's just not right.  She used to have toddler tantrums, burn herself out and 2 hours later it was over.  Now it's over spending and impulse buying going towards bankruptcy.   I had to do something, we have kids and I can't let that happen.

So once I said ok let's get divorced the cops have been out here twice and CPS once.  All false and all documented.  I feel like a complete idiot even thinking I would go back, but I'm also not ready for my family to split up.  Dropping the kids off with her is terrible, and watching the kids all day with no female companionship is terrible also.

She pushes and pushes and files false things then about a month ago tells me she thought we would eventually work it out.  Of course 100% on her terms.  I said that didn't work and she's basically gone no contact on me. 

I was just being honest.  It was good to see her and I do miss her.   A few weeks before that my kids had sports events all day so we spent about 4 hours together.  I was so nice to her, let her know I would help her with mother's day weekend so she could have the kids all weekend.  Her car ended up breaking down in the parking lot and I fixed it.  Looked like she was crying when I said bye. I met a girl that we are very casual,  mainly talk on the phone.  The day after I fixed her car she researched this girl, found her kids dad and told him I'm a drug using dangerous man.  All false.  This freaks the dad out and now this innocent girl I barely know is in court. 

If she doesn't want me back why does she cry everytime we see each other.   Why is she trying to ruin a girl I barely know. Then this time cries then explodes in public.

I don't get it.  The more I write this out the dumber I feel for even entertaining this but it's my family.