BPDFamily.com

My daughter informed me that she was diagnosed with BPD and she says she got it from me. I’ve been to psychiatrists and psychologists in the past and I have been told I have no mental illnesses. Is it normal for the child to blame the parent for their diagnosis?

Hi Survival
It is absolutely normal for someone with BPD to blame others for everything. In addition, it is 'normal' for BPD to have a particular 'target of blame' - often but not always the person they most rely on.

This blaming is very complex part of the illness. It can look like an absolute lack of taking responsibility but  I see it as something much deeper. It is connected to the BPD lack of self image or fragile self image which needs to blame someone else because otherwise they blame themselves and this is too painful.

It is so difficult to deal with because it is often based on something that has no basis in fact.

I have found that affirmation of the feeling is helpful. Getting into a discussion and trying to get them to see the reality or the facts usually - in my situation - ends up is just a great explosion.

The blaming is very hard to deal with - along with other aspects of this illness of course!

In my case yes it was pretty normal for my udd to blame others and especially to blame me. I was the reason that nothing went right in her life according to her. We went to family counselling when udd was a teenager only for the therapist to come to the conclusion that I was just an overbearing mother and that udd was just trying to find her way in life ! My udd actually photocopied the therapists statement and  kept in in her room or in her school bag.

I would agree with Sancho that it would be too painful to look at their own behaviours  so everyone becomes the scapegoat. My udd would even blame people she hadnt seen for years. It was always "so and so had done this, or so and so had told her this. It became her pattern to come up with something quick especially if there was no way of contacting them to verify what she was saying about them.

Hi Syrvival,

My daughter holds everything in because she is too embarrassed to expose her ‘insecurity’, she cut off communication with me 11 years ago and left her husband last year. He has told me how much she blames me for things, her memories of things are quite distorted, and she has even called me a schizo (even though she does not even understand it!)-this has all come from him-I did not even realize she was so messed up. I also do not have any psychological issues.

Now, she has also blocked him and is blaming him for things; on social media she even said she had been abused! He has never hit her, but he does have military-related mental illness.

I do not expect to ever hear from her again, this is difficult, but there isn’t much I can do except get on with my own life.
This disorder is quite devious and sad, it is biblical that children will turn away from their parents, although that certainly doesn’t make it any easier. As parents we can only hope and pray that we gave them a strong foundation.

I wish you the best, hugs, OurWorld

I’d like to thank you guys for your valuable feedback. It means everything to me. I know nothing about BPD. When asking her about BPD in the past her statement was that I should know about it because she got it from me. I’m glad I stumbled upon this site. Thank you all, Syrvival

Dear Syrvival,

I also want to let you know that she did not get this from you, so definitely do not feel any guilt, blaming like this is an unfortunate part of this disorder.