BPDFamily.com

I met my ex-gf in college and we dated for 2 years. She developed a strong connection with me and shared every detail of her life with me. Over time we had ups and downs. In the downs she mostly distanced from me and everyone else. She is very inactive on social media and rarely had any friends. I was made to feel as her only true friend she could confide in. However, often she got angry and hurt on things which seemed to be very trivial to me. After a few months of honeymoon face where she adored everything about me, she suddenly started devaluing me and isolating. She was very jealous of her own best friend. Whenever I had any interest in common with her friend she became like gollum trying to steal his ring. She split me black during that moment and stopped talking to me. Every outing with her was initially great and then suddenly her demeanor would change and she would start accusing me and making me feel guilty. I would apologize to her and always try to understand her emotions. We would often reconcile and I felt now she will be more mature about it but then same things would happen all over again. The physical intimacy we had was off the charts. She really enjoyed that aspect but at times. Often she expressed how much she wants to have kids with me. But later she started being like how can i trust you that you will be a great parent. Now she herself had daddy issues and often compared me to her own dad. Matching his and my likes and concluding that I will be a bad parent like her dad. Now upon my research i got to know that most BPD have a backup being prepared after final discard. She had two relationships before me and one of them was just an online fling. One serious relationship she had was with a guy who in her words subjected her to sexual abuse. She told me about all the horrible things he did to her in great detail, and I still kind of believe that they are truths. For the most part that i have known she has been very particular about being honest and I could never catch her lying. Thus, I don't know if she really had anyone behind my back. Interestingly, prior to being with me she got rejected by a guy she had crush on, in the gym. Later that guy started talking to her and mostly she would message him in front of me, telling him to bugger off. She always told me about all these guys who still keep messaging her and how she tells them that she is with someone better than them. Whenever she faced any difficulty at work or family she would go completely cold and tell me that she wants to break up. Mostly I would convince or well sadly beg to stay with me. Her reasons would usually be that she is unable to do enough for me. Once I actually agreed when she said she does not want to talk to me. Just 12 hrs. later she came back running to me forgetting everything that happened. We went back to having sex and going out. Once we went to a place she decided to go to. However, throughout the trip she made me feel guilty about never making decisions in the relationship and never really planning a date for her. When in reality most of the times when I did that she would be busy or just refuse to go for the place i decided for her. That whole trip she was devaluing me ruining everything. Thus, next weekend I actually planned a nice date for her and well she was happy about it. The next day though things started to fall apart. I told her about one of my female friends who I was in touch with. Now she started stalking this girl even though I clearly told her that she was just an acquaintance with whom I used to be friends with once upon a time nothing more. One day I confirmed her that I am hers and hers alone and she was calmed down and split me white for a while. But well then she asked me to unfollow that girl, now in order to calm her I did it. Being unaware that she cares so much about this, I did not take it too seriously which was my mistake. Thus, I ended up following the girl back. Now trust me I did not have any sort of feelings for this girl and I simply did not want to cut off my contact with her as she was an acquaintance. Now my gf saw that I followed her back and went crazy, more crazy than anytime before. She told me that I made my choice to follow someone and she will choose to leave me for it. She accused me of lying to her and in her words I betrayed her trust. No amount of explanation could convince her now. Initially I thought this will be just like other times and she will come back but well she told me over text that she hates me and cannot see me rn. After that I went NC for a day but no replies from her. She would be online most of the time. When I finally tried to apologize and ask her to talk about this issue calmly, she simply ignored the messages when online. She blocked me everywhere. After 2 weeks, I tried to call her and she picked up. I apologized again, taking all the blame and accepting my mistake for hurting her. All she said was I am done with you and don't want to talk to me, she went on rambling about how big of an asshole am I to her and how she once thought I was the 'one' for her and broke her trust. Then she just cut the call. I went through hell for couple of days and then decided to write an apology letter along with flowers and chocolate. I sent it to her hostel. The response my friends, tore me from within. She tore my letter and broke my flowers. Along with it she stuffed all the gifts I ever gave to her. With it there was a note written by her which said that if I ever try to contact her again she will report me to authorities. Also, she mentioned how she lost herself in trying to maintain this 'bullPLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)t' with me. Now her parents tell her how she looks so much happier. Yes, she does seem to be doing much better ever since. Earlier she used to give me suicide threats whenever her days went bad. However, now she seems so happy whenever I see her around in campus. Whenever she sees me she folds her arms and put on her 'bitch' face. I suspect she is dating someone new, yet when I tried to talk to her and ask that she replied 'no' and bugger off. I have went no contact fully now, I am deeply broken rn. Although everything aside from this is going really great in my life, I got a high paying job right off the campus. My parents are really proud of me. Yet I am stuck with the guilt and insecurity of losing the trust of the only girl I loved so far and worse is imagining her dating someone else. Probably some loser from her community or someone with a bike.
She is going to the gym regularly, having all meals. I on the other hand now feel how she used to feel. Alone, depressed and sometimes even suicidal. Secretly I am even hoping she comes back. Knowing about BPD cycles I know that they recycle and Idk if she will ever get in touch with me. I have to unwillingly ignore her when i see her walking. I am really struggling rn... Is there any chance she will come back ?

Hi ronnie316,

There's so much that's relatable in here—it sounds like you've really gotten hit by the BPD tornado, and have been doing a good job trying to make sense of something that is completely insensible. I know you've been told that this is your fault, that you broke her trust, that her boundaries will never recover, that you're abusive and making her suicidal. But, as you've hopefully read, no matter who it was, pwBPD without therapy have a serious mental disorder which particularly impacts relationships. It doesn't matter if it's you, or a new partner, being with her—you haven't described yourself being abusive, you haven't described yourself being unfaithful. No matter how perfect of a partner you are, without therapy, she will always be emotionally dysregulated in romantic relationships due to this disorder.

A couple quick questions:

1. Has your exgf been officially diagnosed with BPD? Is she in therapy?

2. You posted on the "Detaching & Learning" board—is that where you're at? Do you want to detach, and if so, what can we help you with?

3. You asked:


If she did hypothetically come back, would it matter? Knowing what you know about BPD, would you want to take another swing at a relationship like this (this may be a hard question to answer, and it's ok to say yes, but this board is going to be best at helping you figure out how to detach and say no).

---------

In terms of your question:


as you noted, pwBPD often can recycle past partners. For BPD (now increasingly being referred to as emotional dysregulation personality disorder), all her feelings of pain, of hurt, of happiness, of anger, of fear, etc are dialed to a 10. They're like burns on her skin, and each time even the littlest experience touches one of them, it's the worst pain, worst anger, worst fear she's ever felt. So while for other relationships, after a breakup feelings can fade, often times for a pwBPD those feelings persist for quite a while longer. Both the good, but also overwhelmingly the bad (total devaluation).

She may come back. She may not. But what do you want to do regardless? How is your self-worth at this time?

What have you been doing to get through each day?

(not to sound tacky) If you had a genie and it were able to grant you three wishes, what would you ask for right now? Would you ask for her back? Would you ask for self-growth, therapy, and time to heal from the pain you clearly have gone through?

This forum is a beautiful place to be with people who understand what it's like to be in, and detach from, a relationship with a person with BPD (a serious mental disorder which, as you clearly know, particularly impacts relationships). How can we best support you?


Also, please use this forum as a chance to not feel alone. I have gone through similar experiences, as well as similar pains, with my dBPDexgf. So many others on this site have with their partners as well. I have felt overwhelming pain, self-devaluation, and confusion about my experiences, and there were times where I felt so alone in this world, that no one could understand what I was going through. But I wasn't alone, and you are not alone here. It's taken me a while (about a year now) and some good therapy, but I'm so proud of the place I've gotten to, and my self-worth has never been so high. What have you been doing to not feel alone in-person—have you spent time with friends? Have you been working out, or taking up hobbies?

Please let us know how you're doing—excited to hear back from you!

-TheRedLion