BPDFamily.com

Wishing those of us with estranged adult children with BPD, a happy Mother’s Day.  I hope you all make it through today without loading yourself up with undeserved guilt, or having another dose of abuse thrown your way.
And if that does happen, try to let it slide off this year rather than smacking you down.

I knew that my privileged, much loved estranged daughter would choose to post something vicious on social media today about me. To “out” me as a terrible mother and human being, earning hundreds of likes and dozens of affirming and sympathetic comments from strangers on the internet.
She did not disappoint.
This year, I chose to say “Her circus. Her monkeys. Her loss.”
I chose not to let her distortions redefine my self-image.
Her reality is not my reality.

Like almost every mother posting here, my experience of motherhood was being a loving, supportive and present parent, doing their very best to raise a rather tricky little human to be a confident, compassionate and healthy adult.

My unwell and manipulative estranged adult child interprets her non-abusive upbringing as abusive, and makes that the basis for everything that is wrong in her life. It may be an unpopular view, but now that she is firmly in the adult camp, that is something for her to sort out with her therapist.

Our children are not children anymore. They are adults.
They are responsible for their own adult lives - for taking on adult roles, moving on from past traumas and healing themselves. As every adult must.
No-one had a perfect childhood.  Everyone experienced some traumas. Learning how to move on and establish yourself as a functioning, productive adult is part of growing up.
If your adult child is still stuck in the adolescent mindset of blaming you for their failure to succeed, then it is their responsibility to learn how to move on. And grow up.

It is now their monkeys. And their circus.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Thanks Coffeefirst,

I couldn’t agree more!

Happy Mother’s Day to you too!

thank you for that post! 

This is not my first rodeo (though, it always stings!)

My son ceased "talking" 6 years ago, when he decided he did not want to "be a father"! to his now 8 year old daughter (he said, if I continued to see her, i was "dead" to him (i see her and her family, so....)

My 24 y/o BPD daughter is the hardest pill to swallow...she just dumped us. one year ago (effective 5/24/24) (me, her dad, her sister & the nieces)

so....I wait (and wait) for a simple text

This year, I knew it would not happen & decided to enjoy my day!

*I am very lucky because my non-BPD daughter & I are very close & she made it a special day*

Happy Mother's Day to all!  you deserve soooo much more!

I am lucky too.
I spent a lovely day, starting with breakfast with my adult son.
I am so grateful to have moved on enough to be able to see and enjoy my many blessings, rather than focussing on the loss.
We can survive this.
We can even thrive.
❤️

What a positive message; i am aiming for survive, lol

My next "hurdle" is 6/1/24; that is the date of the dance recital (I have NEVER missed a recital, other than during Covid!) noone in the family wanted to dance this year, however, pwBPD teaches and will be IN the recital; I went last year & BPD physically put her hand up, like a stop sign, when I tried to give her flowers; I am not going this year; i see no reason to set myself up for "that"; i am sad, though (sometimes I hate FB memories) but...(big step!) i signed up for an event on that day

Good plan.
Distracting yourself with another engagement will help.
We cannot control or fix our daughter’s decisions, but we can actively pursue a life with less distress and pain. And that requires us to commit to a better life for ourselves, and take positive acts to make that happen.
Like signing up for an event on recital day!

My former psychologist emailed me a resource from www.mindpeelings.com titled “Get your daily happiness chemicals”. It listed ways to increase happiness levels by increasing each of the “happy brain chemicals” - dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin and endorphins. I looked at the activities listed - daily to do list, create something, listen to music, socialise, exercise, sunlight, laughter, eat spicy foods etc. 
And something clicked into place in my mind for the first time. I could fight this pain. I did not have to passively live in misery, waiting for my daughter to return to me and praying she would stop doing deliberately hurtful things.
I could decide to make things better for myself and actively improve my happiness. And this chart was as good a place to try doing that as any!

So I packed away most of the photos of my daughter that ambushed me daily and sent me into painful rumination and guilt.
And I selected at least one activity for each brain chemical, and committed to doing them regularly.
I paid for a music subscription and set up playlists of songs I enjoyed from younger, happier times, and listened to them while I did chores.
I walked my dogs in a range of new parks and beaches and gorgeous locations, relishing the breeze and beauty and getting out in the sunshine (or drizzle!)
I made a to-do list every morning of things I could definitely achieve and tick off that day.
I sang, and did crafts, and started playing piano again (still badly) and doing a popular daily puzzle and sharing the results with a friend each morning - a quick daily contact that strengthened that friendship.
I started cooked spicy curries that I love again, but which my husband and son do not, freezing them to eat when they are out or want take away for themselves.

Importantly, I set aside a specific time to Facetime each week with my best friend who lives interstate, and we started sewing together for 2-3 hours - a hobby we both enjoy and didn’t have much time for while raising children. And we commit to that time being for us, and we tell our grown family that that time is taken and precious and not available for meeting their day to day demands. Sounds like a little thing, but it was the first time I had felt able to dedicate set time for my needs alone, and guard it jealously, without feeling that I was being selfish or letting my family down by not putting it off to do something for them instead.
That time has become so precious to us both - we talk and laugh and make something beautiful or ridiculous, and we recharge our happiness meters and our coping batteries.
And I feel happy.
I am so very much happier than I could have imagined possible a year ago.
And the pain of estragement has dulled more than I could have hoped.
I feel like me again. No longer fractured and broken and defined by my daughter's distorted horrible descriptions of me.

Weeks ago, you asked if there were any stories with happy endings.
You didn’t get many responses to give you hope.
But happy endings are not always being reconciled with your estranged child.
Or your estranged child beating her BPD demons.

Being able to make yourself whole again, and live a happy purposeful life, is a happy ending that you can actively work towards. And the only one you have some control over.
Enjoy your event on 1 June!
❤️

Thank you for this:

“We cannot control or fix our daughter’s decisions, but we can actively pursue a life with less distress and pain. And that requires us to commit to a better life for ourselves, and take positive acts to make that happen.”