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I feel like my pwBPD sometimes seems apathetic towards me. For example he doesn’t text me first to ask how I am or anything. I read that it’s common for people with bpd in relationships but I don’t know if this is to do with the bpd or just the way he is. How do I deal with this? Should I be less clingy? I always try to remind myself that he does care even if he doesn’t give me loads of attention but I feel a bit fed up.

Hi Winterberry;

This is a great question you're asking:


In a way, you don't need to figure out why he isn't initiating contact more -- i.e., this issue won't be solved when you figure out if it's a BPD behavior or not.

What is important is that regardless of why he's behaving this way, it isn't working for you.

And these are more good questions you're asking:


Assessing your contribution to the dynamic is a healthy approach. That isn't to put blame on one or the other person ("it's my fault, I'm contributing 78% to the dynamic through my clinginess"), it's more to be realistic.

When you wonder if you're too clingy, how would you describe that? I.e., "I think I might be too clingy because I do ______, feel ________ and think ________"?

You might find, after you look at if/how you're contributing to this dynamic, that there are things under your control that you can change. Maybe you find extra support through friends or a counselor first, or maybe there are other changes you decide to make. After you make those changes on your end, and try them out for a while, you can decide if things have improved, or if the sense of apathy in the dynamic still is not working for you, and you want to make a request of him.

Sometimes it can help to use a structured approach to making a request of a pwBPD. One structure is "DEARMAN" which you can read about here (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0).

Any thoughts on problemsolving like that?