BPDFamily.com

Hi all, what a wonderful resource this, is I'm hoping for some gentle guidance from the community. I've just gone through a devastating and confusing breakup and my heartache over the circumstances led me to believe my ex likely has quiet BPD (mirroring, instant bond, 'soulmate' connection, he confessed that he doesn't know who he is and feels an emptiness inside).
We first met and went on 3 dates last year, then he sent me a message saying he wasn't in the right place for a relationship and blocked me (!)
He reached back out 4 months later with a love letter, profuse apologies, saying he acted that way because he was falling in love with me and it freaked him out.
This time around I set boundaries and communicated my needs consistently and without criticism, but after three very intense months, I got frustrated and fed up. He didn't seem to want to let me go, but he never changed his behavior to resolve the situation - specifically making/breaking plans last minute w/ no proactivity about setting up further plans. He reasoned that he had too much on his plate, and eventually revealed he was still emotionally supporting a long distance ex-girlfriend and that he couldn't people please everyone. Incensed, I told him I was leaving and not to contact me again this time. I was upset. I blocked him for 24hrs. In that time, he blocked me - phone and email.
Trying to piece together this emotional car crash has led me here - I experienced the mirroring, the intense soulmate-feeling connection, the dramatic declarations, and then the distance and seeming disinterest. Did I just fall in love with myself? Was he just saying things he thought I wanted to hear?
I hate that things ended so abruptly - that I blocked him and then he blocked me. I want to write him a handwritten letter to let him know what he meant to me, that I love him like a friend, and that I accept he isn't right for me romantically. I don't want him to feel I abandoned him. I don't expect a reply.
Is this a bad idea? Should I just leave the parting as it was - uncomfortable and abrupt?
It is healing for me to get my thoughts out in order for me to move forward. Thank you.

Hello UnknownPleasures  :hi:! Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but glad that you found us and took the brave step in sharing your story. Here, we `get it` when it comes to experiencing relationships that have left us baffled, frustrated and confused. You are not alone, and it can get better from here.

It sounds like you have been through many ups and downs with this individual. You were understandably frustrated, and hurt, from being on the receiving end of hot and cold behaviour. Something that I remind myself of is that when someone behaves in this way, is that it has more to do with them than it has to do with you. It`s a reflection of his own limitations and emotional baggage. That`s not to say that he is a bad person. You are not wrong in having feelings for him, loving him, wanting to be there for him. He himself, in all likelihood, is navigating life with an impairment that won`t go away without serious and ongoing therapy. It is unfortunate that you were on the receiving end of the manifestation of his symptoms, but you can learn and grow and understand yourself through this experience, and you deserve to be loved and respected.


It`s understandable to feel unsettled by the abrupt ending of things. I also think it`s good for you to pause (as you are doing!) and understand your motivations before taking action.

I do think that writing a letter can be beneficial. However, what would sending the letter bring you? What if he does reply to you? Where do you see this relationship going?

Remember that, ultimately, closure is something that we give ourselves. Very rarely is the person who hurt you in the position to help you move on. That is even more so the case when that person is unable to navigate their own emotions.

Looking forward to reading your reply. Take your time, be patient and kind with yourself  :wee:.

I can't tell you how incredibly touched I am by your reply. I felt as if you were right here speaking to me. It made me feel loved. I will save your reply and keep reading it until it fully sinks in. Thank you for your kindness and for all the people you're helping!