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Yesterday was the last straw with my husband.

Once again, he talked about our beautiful home, ad nauseam, as if it’s a dark, dreary cave. Then, he started playing a video, while driving, while I was in the car, and he refused to stop. He  told me to take the subway next time.  He said he sometimes wants to sleep in the car, in a park, at night, because our apartment is so bad for him.  We live in a lovely, upscale co-op in a coveted neighborhood.  Our apartment is beautiful.  I think the problem is that I BOUGHT IT, years ago,  and he moved in  (from his tiny apartment in a bad neighborhood), twenty years ago, when we got married.  So he puts it down, constantly. But yesterday was the worst.

My biggest fear was living in poverty without his income.  Because I don’t think I’d ever be able to get alimony out of him.  He’s very sick. Very volatile. So I’m thinking I might throw him out. — he can find a room somewhere.  Hey — he claims he hates the apartment anyway. I can handle the bills he was covering for maybe 2 years. Then,  I’ll need to sell, and split the proceeds with him — his name is on the deed now too.  I’ll need to live low, but I won’t be bankrupt. 

I don’t know if my plan will work, but just coming up with SOMETHING, makes me feel better. 

Now, I’m NO LONGER AFRAID to get a hotel room for two nights, when he becomes unbearable.  I don’t care how mad he gets when I return, as long as he’s not violent.  I deserve some alone time.  He doesn't want me to have it and has protested whenever I’ve mentioned it.  He’s afraid to let go of me for even two nights. Well, he doesn’t own me. I’m 75 years old.  I can book a hotel room without him.  I finally have the courage to do it. 

This is the NEW ME. 

I feel better.  I’m less fearful. 

I know it needs some tweaking, butI hope my plan makes sense. 

Hi Jazz,

I’m just here to say I’m happy for you. Usually once the light bulb switches on that’s all the courage you need.
You will get through this. But you must plan in secret and keep yourself safe. Once he becomes aware of your plans, I see him becoming violent.

You can do this. What I’ve learned is that once you get out of this dark vortex you have been surrounded by for decades, even the universe takes care of you.
Do you have adult children who can keep an eye on you?

I always wondered if my ex would adapt the degree of bullying he did to how much I was willing to take. It sounds a bit like what you are working through?

Bullies seem to have limits but the danger for us as targets is not knowing what they are. I dealt with my ex husband's bullying by being prepared. It was one of those times anxiety was helpful because the vigilance is useful to run through scenarios.

You may find your husband adapts as he senses your newfound confidence. When the same happened for me, my ex stopped engaging in "environmental" abuse. He didn't hide my purse or lock me out of the house and he stopped drinking alcohol for 5 days straight (a record). Instead of standing and yelling at me he would raise his voice and then leave the house. I realized even with the improvements it wasn't tenable but it did prove to me that I could have boundaries without things escalating.

Another thing that started to happen: he would go out for long periods without telling me where or when he would be home.

It was meant to worry me but I found it was a great relief.

Tangled Mangle,

Thanks so much.

I pray he doesn’t get violent. My first step is to have two peaceful days on my own, in a hotel.  We do have security in our building, but I hope it doesn’t come to that.  I plan to leave when he’s at a doctor’s appointment, so it will be easy to get out.

I’m old, and sadly, many family members who would’ve supported me, have passed on.  But I do have friends.  W/He have two adult children, but they’re not likely to support me. They’re his biological children.

Thanks so much for reminding me that the universe will step up to take care of me.

Livednlearned,

Thanks so much.

Just yesterday, he was considering doing a 900 mile car trip, for the two of us, to visit relatives. I immediately told him to go by himself, because I couldn’t sit for that length of time.  I also told him I saw that as torture, not a pleasure trip. He was surprised. He kept insisting that I should accompany him, and I kept refusing. I felt it was important to set boundaries. I don’t even want to be in a car with him for an hour — let alone 12-15.  He eventually suggested flying. I refused again, saying I simply wasn’t up for it, but he should go ahead.  In the past, I would’ve whined and  pleaded for him not to drive, assuming he was in charge of ME. No more. After a while, the whole idea of the trip magically went away!  I think it was because he realized I wasn’t going to let him beat up on me.  So yes — I learned I could set boundaries, without escalation! I stood my ground!

I know he was appalled  when he saw that I’d love for him to go away for ten days. That would be heaven for me! 

I think he’s going to be shocked when I refuse to get in the car with him next week. He can ride with Judge Judy :), like he wants to. I’ll be home, safe.

Poor - and especially abusive - behaviors typically occur in private scenarios, behind closed doors or in vehicles.  It's largely to be controlling yet below most people's notice.

I suspect many people with BPD traits perceive threat in both verbal and non-verbal communication at a much higher degree than non-BPD people. Your husband may respond in a less antagonistic way if he perceives your choices are based in preference for what feels best for you. Versus a choice that he perceives is a rejection or dismissal or insult towards him.

It’s very challenging to focus on communication skills when contempt is involved. Contempt is hard to reverse or manage once it is underway, I find. But if you can enjoy the satisfaction of embracing your boundary for its own sake, and if you feel the threat (if there is any) is bark and no bite, saying no to someone can feel very grounding, if they see your choice as non-threatening and respond without escalating.

Livednlearned,

It is indeed freeing to say, “NO!”

And I feel more grounded when I strength my boundaries. Some of the fear goes away, and I am more determined to escape.

My friends have warned me not to sneak out for a few days, without letting him know.  He could get violent when I return. So I’ll lie and say I’m visiting a friend.  But I’ll be in a hotel somewhere, resting and healing.  And I’ll plot my next escape.

Thanks so much.