BPDFamily.com

Hello! Both me and my partner are young men (I'm a couple years older). I'm in the process of trying to figure out how to deal with his BPD episodes and I saw that validation is essential, but I struggle to understand how to apply it.

My problem is, sometimes he will get upset about something I did, and he will accuse me of things that are not true. If he will not accuse me, he will at least bring up things I have done in the past and talk badly about me which is still triggering to me.

I can not recall any example right now because all the arguments are wearing me down a lot and I struggle to remember anything, which if I told him this he would start saying things like "how convenient". I really don't think he believes me.

So, I read that validation can help, but I don't totally understand it:

Given this example I just gave, if I had to re-approach him and instead of defending myself when he accuses me of lying, I say something validating such as "that would be very upsetting if your partner lied to you by saying he's just not remembering", then:

1. Would I just ignore my feelings if I am upset about him falsely accusing me?
2. I really really would be lost as to what to do after validating his feelings. Let's say he says "yeah that would really suck" then what?
3. I'm afraid he would say I'm being unhelpful by just mirroring what he says, he did that in the past. When he's in these moods, he wants change or an apology from me. Maybe I'm doing validation wrong?
4. I'm afraid that if I validate him, then he'll get angrier and angrier with me. If I tell him something like "yeah it would really suck if your partner would go behind your back to cheat on you", I'm afraid he would take it the wrong way and actually get even more scared or think I'm actually cheating on him.

I'm really not good with emotions, and as I'm writing this I'm burned out. The arguments have escalated so much the past days... I had a bad anger outburst myself because he wanted me to reassure him, while I kept telling him that I am burned out and I need time and space, all he was worried about was himself and wanting reassurance which just made me explode at one point. I regret how I acted and I regret making him feel guilty.

Thank you for reading! <3

Hello iloveonions, and welcome to the forum  :hi:! I`m sorry to hear that there have been difficulties in communicating with your partner, but I`m glad you found us and decided to post. You are amongst people who `get it`. I will get the ball rolling by making a few points myself, and other members will also be able to chime in.

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First, I read in your post that you are feeling worn down, and burned out. That is understandable. Arguing in circles can be so draining. It is commendable that you want to be a reassuring presence for your partner, but that starts with showing up for yourself. How do you take care of you? Do you have any support, hobbies, self care activities that allow you the much needed `recharging` period that you need? You can count this support group as one such outlet of course  :wee:.

Second, you ask about validation. I myself am learning how to practice validation. Thankfully, there are many opportunities to practice, not only with a partner, but with coworkers, family members, friends...even with yourself! All that to say, it`s a skill like any other, that can be improved. Here is a link to an article on this website about the topic : https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating . Have you had a chance to read it? What are your thoughts? 

To summarize my points, navigating episodes and arguments with your BPD partner is a two-fold approach : taking care and showing up for yourself, while also utilizing sometimes counterintutive approaches and skills that can be learned and improved upon. Then, when all that is said and done, you can let go, knowing you have tried your best, and that ultimately a dynamic is between two people, and that not all the responsibility falls on your shoulders.

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So, to answer your questions :

1. I think, on the contrary, you would need to be aware of your feelings in order to grasp how they may be affecting you in the moment. Your partner may not be able to imagine how what he says impacts you (it may be beyond his emotional capabilities). That goes back to my first point of having support and ressources in place for when you are upset. Remain true to yourself, always!
2. and 3. I think you`re on the right track with your initial statement of "that would be very upsetting if your partner lied to you by saying he's just not remembering", but perhaps you could be more specific. We want to find a validation target that is closest to the other person`s emotional epicenter. Something along the lines of "I can understand that you`re upset because you believe that I am lying to you about not remembering - it makes you feel like I am purposefully neglectful." People with BPD have higher validation needs in general, and sometimes things that seem `obvious` (everyone forgets things sometimes!) can be read into and spun out of proportion in their minds. Keeping that in mind, after validating your partner`s feelings, you could offer reassurance.
4. After all is said and done, it`s okay to give yourself a time out and come back to the conversation instead of continuously engaging in it if you feel like it is escalating.

What do you think? As examples of arguments come back to you, feel free to share them.

Hi! Thanks a lot for the response!
Joining the forum, and your response, helped me feel more hopeful about my relationship, therefore things have been better with my boyfriend.

Thanks to your response @tina7868, I understood that one of my problems was I was not being specific enough when giving validation to him. Things have been a lot calmer, and most of all, it really helped me see things in a non personal way.

I usually respond focusing on the epicenter of his emotions, and validating how he feels. It seemed like it's been helping him to feel validated by me, but I still ran into a problem. He seems to be upset or suspicious about the fact that my communication style has changed and I sound a bit too robotic, or like an NPC. Is this normal or again, I'm doing something wrong? He wants me to talk to him in a more personal way and I think it's fair for him to ask, I just really don't know how to do that. Maybe I'm just scared?

I now have a situation where validation doesn't seem to help. When me and him had a big argument, and while I was distancing myself from him, I found a group of friends. Now he's telling me that he's unhappy about my group of friends, and he's asking me to find new ones.
His message: its not triggering because its like im reliving it and i feel abandoned when you spend time with them, but because you treated me like complete PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) and you showed me that i was worthless to you during the time i am refering to

I apologized for what I did, and I explained I don't want to get rid of my friends. I was at a very low time when I found them, and I need them. He is still upset and wants me to get rid of them.

I really don't want to get rid of them and I don't want this to create a huge drama. Any tips on how to handle all of this?

Thank you