BPDFamily.com

So my ex-girlfriend with BPD idealized me for 3.5 years then flipped and treated me like absolute garbage for the next 7 months. She pushed me until I eventually blew up one night and sent her a bunch of angry texts. Nothing violent but I felt totally justified in just telling her off finally for the way she treated me. She turned around and took those messages to the police and told them she was scared of me. These “heroes” came after me like I threatened to kill her and tore my life apart and charged me with harassment. I realize now that the entire thing was just a trap. Now I have to defend myself at trial.

My ex is undiagnosed and untreated. How do I properly explain her mental illness problems in a way the court accepts and doesn’t sound petty? She’s undiagnosed but fits BPD so well when I read about it, it’s like the author had met her personally. However, my opinion on her mental state doesn’t matter as I’m not a psychologist.

Any advice from those who have been here before? I’m in Canada so working with that system but I welcome the opinion of everyone. I don’t want to smear her but rather tell the truth I’m a way the court will accept. Thanks.

Can you remind me if you have a lawyer?

And have you started doing some online research for your province and situation? (i.e., looking for province-specific forums/boards)? You may have already seen Canada Legal Help (https://canadalegalhelp.com/) which does allow you to sort by province for resources.

Sometimes down here in the USA, the suggestion can be that if there isn't an official diagnosis (with documentation from professionals), then trying to "prove" to the courts that "she really probably has BPD" is a losing track. Focus instead on the crossover between her behaviors and the law.

For example, you likely have no documentation of her having any diagnosis, so don't try to suggest she has a certain MH issue. Instead, you likely have (for example) cell phone records, text records, third party witnesses, etc. Is her name on any rental or lease documentation (home, vehicle, etc)? Did you ever share a bank account? Maybe focus on putting that information into a robust and detailed timetable:

"On Day/Date, she texted me 67 times between 1pm and 2pm (timestamped records attached). 34 of those texts called me a name and 6 of the texts made a threat. On Next Day/Date at Time, I responded with 3 texts saying XYZ (attached). Immediately following that, she sent 44 texts (timestamped records attached), 20 of which made legal threats and 2 of which made threats of violence."

She was trying to take a sliver of a snapshot of context (your responses after her behavior) and used that to get you. Put together a whole timeline with dates, facts, witnesses, texts, call records, etc, and that may show her behavior and the issues more than any label.

Of course, if you have a L, run all this by your L first!

The iMazing app on the Apple store will allow you to export all your texts from an iPhone into a court admissable format (US, not sure about Canada). A time and life saver. Check it out.

American here.  Not an atty.  

That said…

Courts don’t have time or interest to explore personality or psychology.  They always deal with conflict, so nothing about your situation will seem unusual.

You need to focus on the law.

Was anything in your messages illegal?  Threatening?

Do you have any evidence that anything she did or said to you in those prior months was illegal or threatening?  I mean real, admissible evidence.  Any witnesses?

If there is no evidence, then what is the basis for her claim?

What are the charges you’re facing?  What is the outcome you’re hoping for?

Do you have an atty?

Assuming that you do, here are some things to explore:

Depose your ex, get her to acknowledge the history you mention here under oath.  Then present in court.  Watch her get tangled in her own story.

Do you know your ex’s triggers?  Review with your atty.  A good litigator will know how to get your ex to expose herself while in court.  I bet she’s prone to tantrums - help her have one in court…

The idea is to avoid making unsubstantiated claims, ie “she’s got a PD and is mentally unstable” - this is opinion, not fact, hard to prove, and therefore not helpful to your case.  Forget about this. 

Instead, get her to demonstrate her behavior to the court on her own….  Show the court who is reasonable and who is not.

Then politely apologize to the judge or magistrate for wasting their time with your unfortunate but not-unlawful situation, and ask for permission to go your separate ways...

Make sense?