BPDFamily.com

Hi. This is my first post.
I am married to a person with BPD. We have been together for almost 15 years, married for eight. She was diagnosed last August (not officially, but almost, at a mental health treatment center). It really wasn't a surprise given some of our history. Alcohol abuse also plays a role here. I used to drink more than I should as well but quit for almost two years and now drink only socially, which isn't much. There is more to our story, and I'll post it eventually, but at this time I'm having very difficult night and am hoping for some help in understanding something, if that's possible.

Why, why, why do BPD's say things they know hurt you terribly? I know we all do that at times when angry or upset, but it's different with them (or at least that is my experience). The latest thing she said just broke me. We are talking seriously about divorce (her more than I). She told me that our entire relationship was not ever real. That it was based on shared life difficulties at the time. (We met during the recession and were both hurting financially, etc. We eventually got back on our feet and moved on to better things). I told her that I had genuinely loved her and still did. It just seemed to make her angry. ***I should add that I had recently returned home from staying with a mutual friend so that we could have some time apart for self-reflection, etc. I guess I kind of initiated things, but it was never meant to be permanent in my mind and I felt I made it clear to her. 
This particular thing she said has just been one of many things she has said to me lately. Most of them have been character attacks, accusations that are kind of crazy actually and hold no merit.
I am so hurt and confused. My head is swimming.
I'm sorry too. I didn't mean my first post to be a pity party. Thanks for listening and reading.

I guess I'll just reply to myself

Sorry you are going through this!  Life with a BPD spouse is emotional, I'm living it as well. 

I'm not sure why they say mean stuff- probably just a test to see how you react in some way to test your love.  Which is not the way normal people would do it.  It's possible the break you took made her very uncomfortable, even if you told her it was temporary.  People with BPD only think with their emotions.  So it likely made her feel very abandoned.  Again, normal people take breaks from eachother time to time, but it doesn't sound like she is normal. 

I know how you feel. My SO has never been diagnosed with BPD and never will because she will never go to a therapist. Over the years I've suspected many different diagnoses but BPD fits her the closest. Whenever we have some kind of argument and she stops talking to me, after a week or so she will start sending me horrible texts/emails which reinterpret things I've said in the past in a highly paranoid way. For example, she recently claimed that I was staring at some woman at a party...in 2017! Of course this wasn't true, because it defies belief...I'm an introverted boring person most of the time, but when she's like this she acts like I'm sort of philandering chick-magnet, which of course is not reality. I barely even speak to other women as it is!

Sometimes, I think she drums up drama simply because I'm too boring sometimes...although to me boring is good because life throws enough drama at you without actively seeking it out...why make things MORE stressful?

This tendency to reinterpret past events is what led me towards BPD...and I know there's no hope because she will never seek therapy or admit she's wrong about anything. I haven't left because honestly it only happens 1-2 times per year, so I call it mini-BPD...plus we have a disabled child to take care of.

When things are fine, they're fine for about 3-4 months...but I am better prepared for the wheels coming off at some point and try not to lose my temper any more since it doesn't help...she will focus on me losing my temper and cursing and shut down again. But it just aggravates me how people can seemingly live together and also be living in two separate realities.

Hello lorbug and *welcome*

15 years is a significant amount of time to be together. I wonder if you had a sense that things were "different" when you got together, or if it only became clear later in the relationship?

Regardless of when, I hear a lot of pain in your post. Nobody wants a relationship where the most special person in their life -- their partner -- is so wounding and hurtful. That's the one person who should be cherishing you above everyone else, and to hear deeply wounding statements... whatever the reasoning behind it, doesn't take away the hurt. I'm so sorry this is going on for you.


There's a lot to unpack here. One thing that has sunk in for me over the years here is that we need to remember that BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder -- emphasis on disorder. pwBPD (persons with BPD) really, really, really don't process or interpret or rationalize things like persons without BPD. I don't think that BPD is just "they're just like us, only with stronger emotions". It does seem like fundamental thinking and perception processes are different.

So when we say "they know that what they're saying is hurtful", I'm not sure that's the whole story.

Each of us is responsible for the words we say, so I'm not saying "pwBPD have different brain wiring, so they get a free pass to do whatever".

I think what I'm getting at is that we have a choice about the motivations we attribute to the pwBPD, and I'm suspecting that a more accurate interpretation of "why do they say such hurtful things" might be this:

if we imagine that we are in a life-or-death situation, we could imagine feeling like "any option is on the table to save my life". I might be a pacifist, but if my life is on the line, I could see myself fighting to the death, for example.

I think that may be a more accurate analogy for why pwBPD say what they say. For whatever reason, they may be "wired" to have a much lower threshold for what they perceive as emotionally threatening. Things like -- their partner sighed, or had a neutral facial expression, or walked differently, or was away on a weekend, or didn't get eggs at the store... can be perceived as 10/10 emotional threats... and if we believe that there is a 10/10 threat facing us, we feel justified in defending ourselves by any means necessary.

Her vast emotional needs and low sensitivity/threat threshold may be what's motivating her. If she feels threatened, then anything is on the table for self-defense. I'm not sure she's thinking rationally, like "Wow, I really want to hurt lorbug, even though I know it's wrong". I'm suspecting it's more lower brain, self-preservation at any cost, shame avoidance at any cost, thinking, versus willfully planning to hurt you.

None of that makes it okay, or makes it not hurt. It may provide some perspective on the dynamic -- it is likely that she really isn't thinking of you much at all, when she's in a place of overwhelming emotional needs. She may be 100% focused on her own intense inner experience and it isn't really about what you did or didn't do, or did or didn't say, etc.

...

We're on the "Bettering a relationship" board, so the big question is -- given that your W is who she is, and you're (currently) choosing to be in the relationship, what are some things under your control that you do have agency in, to make your own life more livable?

A helpful place to start could be our "Tools and skills" section on Relationship Skills (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329747.0). We also have a section of articles on When a partner, spouse or girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-4-cols) that's worth looking at.

...

And no worries about feeling like your post was a pity party  *)  These are some of the most challenging relationships, and having somewhere to come and process how you're feeling, with others in similar situations, can be so helpful. It's a great place to learn new tools, skills, and approaches, to take charge of your own life and make changes that are under your control.

Keep us posted on how things are going...

kells76

That is one of the hardest things to understand, how they say things that are so hurtful. Intentionally hurtful.

I can't wrap my head around it, and like many here the things she said to me echo in my head, I hear them all the time and try my best not to believe them. But it's hard.

Thing is, they know the things they say are hurtful. They intend them to be. But the why? From what I can gather they have intense internal pain, maybe shame and guilt, and can't bear it and thus must offload it onto us. Thus the horrible put downs and name calling, always accompanied by anger.

I think this is a projective defense mechanism? I know any time I tried to bring something up, question her on her behavior or on something she said- always true, but always said with love and care-she would explode at me and then comes the name calling and put downs. Even saying 'no' to something- trips I couldn't do, sex, her wanting to come over- caused this.

Kells is much more knowledgeable than me, I think she has good information above....this is just my own attempting to understand it.

Well, it’s hard to say in a few sentences…

I too have a wife who suffers from BPD, so I understand your struggle and hurt you feel. 

People with BPD are struggling, a lot.  They will often say hurtful things as a defense response to them feeling abandoned or engulfed.  They are keenly aware of others feelings toward them, and can sometimes misinterpret or perceive things from this sometimes skewed lens.  Things that resemble abandonment can amplify negative emotions in the person with BPD. 

This doesn’t mean you actually abandoned her. 

For example, you might have:
Made her wait for something
Canceled plans you had
Simply disagreed with her
Hung out with someone else
Took too long to answer a text
Spent time doing something without her
Gave her gifts, or spent extra time with her

It’s not limited to these things, but otherwise “normal” things and occurrences in a BPD relationship can trigger the person w BPD’s fear of abandonment or engulfment.

They are terrified of abandonment and engulfment.

This leads to them acting with otherwise erratic or belligerent behaviors. Not all do this, each person has their own response. 

Some will seclude themselves,  or hide.  Runaway.  Push their partners away.  Say mean things. It is a defense mechanism

Anger, frustration, sadness and many other “negative” (and positive) emotions are felt very strongly by the person w BPD.  They can often misinterpret their own feelings and fears of abandonment and it may come out as sarcasm, frustration, anger, resentment. 

These are some of the hallmark ones most people talk about and what most people close to people with BPD struggle to cope with. 

You mentioned, Shame and Guilt.

They often confuse these feelings, and struggle to come to acceptance of them.  And they can often blame shift, or “project” their behaviors onto others to avoid feeling these feelings.  Avoidance is another big trait. 

The thinking / emotional triggers inside the BPD persons mind that leads them to “act out”, avoid, blame shift, or say mean hurtful things is/could be something like this.  Most of this is NOT conscious / logical thinking in the pwBPDs mind.  I’m just trying to help you understand what your wife might be feeling.

1) my partner is doing something that is triggering my fears of abandonment
2) therfore, I’m a bad/unlikeable  person.  (insert any other negative label)
3) since I’m unlikable, they will abandon me
4) I don’t want to be abandoned, so I am
Frustrated and angry because he’s leaving, so HEs a bad person for leaving (abandoning) me. 
5) insert conflict/sarcasm/outburst “the split” from the BPD.
6) I cannot accept what I did and apologize now because my partner was the bad person first.  (Avoid feeling the shame/guilt) if I accept what I did they will surely abandon me. 

The actual argument or conflict you’re dealing with won’t look exactly like this.  This isn’t ACTUALLY what they think.  But if you dig deep into what your wife is feeling you might find a version of this is at the core. 

Your wife might be focused on something totally random, but it’s the negative FEELINGs (and really their misinterpretation of them) that result in the mean things they say. 

It might look mean, and hurtful.  They can be sarcastic and say cruel, mean things.  People  with BPD are usually traumatized by ACTUAL abandonment or their emotional needs neglected at a very young age.   And they are terrified. 

I try to look at it from this lens when my wife is saying hurtful things.

 I sometimes in the middle of a verbal outburst from my wife, will picture my wife as if she was her own mother and I am my wife as a small child.  And the hurtful things my wife is saying to me, is actually how her mom treated her as a very young child.  When I do this is helps me sometimes to empathize with her, and look through the insults to try to understand how she feels.

Ultimately this part of understanding and helping your partner to heal.  But abuse is abuse, and hurtful behaviors do need to be dealt with.  I struggle with this, and keeping boundaries with my BPD wife in my own relationship.   Setting boundaries can often be difficult because they can perceive these as something that can push you apart. And trigger their fears of abandonment, and “a split”.

Something I feel like I have to mention, In an effort to help you understand your wife more . And please don’t feel attacked or take this the wrong way.  Im trying to help you gain perspective, and empathize with your wife more.  It can be easy to start acting (and feeling)  like a person w BPD if you are in a relationship with one.   I know from experience…

You relied twice in the forum “I guess I’ll just reply to myself”.

This is something a person w BPD say/would do to their partners for maybe taking too long to reply to a text.  It’s sort of a sarcastic or annoyed reply, maybe trying to grab the attention of people here on the forum and hear some feedback.  Not saying anyone here was offended (I’m not).

I can think of times my BPD wife said similar things to
Me if I took too long to do something. 

But I am empathizing with you, because i Imagine you had feelings of waiting.  Wondering if anyone would reply. Did anyone read you post? Do they care?  Did what I wrote make sense?  It’s those feelings like no one is there, or no one is going to reply that might have caused you to send that response?

Please understand, I’m not criticizing  you.  But I hope you can think back to that moment when you checked back on the forum and saw no reply after some time.  And had a feeling like you wanted to reach out to hear from people on here.  But no one is there?

That is how your wife might be feeling ALL the time, and is always on the lookout for that.  And it’s those negative feelings that ultimately answer your question as too why do people with BPD try to hurt you more?

Staying in a BPD relationship requires extreme empathy and patience  for your partner, and understanding of yourself and your own actions as they mix in with theirs.  The person with BPD will try to (without knowing) make you feel and act like them through their behaviors. 

I wish you well and stay strong out there.  There are other people dealing with the same thing you are!