BPDFamily.com

Hi All,

I'm so happy that this community exists because I have been feeling so alone and confused for a while now. Thankfully I have a therapist, am in a supportive spiritual community and my family and even her family supports me(us), so that's all a gift. I'm just going to go through what's been happening and see if anyone resonates or can offer suggestions on moving forward.

I just started researching what I had perceived to be unusual behavior and why I was feeling so mentally drained from dealing with her that I had to go on anxiety medication and seek therapy for myself. Our relationship has not been good for a while. And I'm just kind of going through it all in my head and maybe thought this would be good to organize my thoughts. I think she has BPD but overall Cluster-B tendencies are becoming evident.

Over the last year there has been a lack of connection, increased arguing, coldness, depression, victim blaming, passive aggression, gaslighting, her holding resentment, suspicious of me now, all of it.

We had a great, movie like start (she love bombed me so hard) within a week she wrote me a letter that I felt like I was "it" and could see a family with me etc. She idolized me, the sex was frequent and exciting, we both had been married before(her twice) so we bonded over some past trauma, but she was affectionate, warm, fun, wanted to do things all the time, spend every second we could, beach walks and deep talks-it was like nothing else. She paraded me to her friends and family like I was a trophy. I couldn't help but also feel this way, she is insanely attractive, charismatic, worked on herself, was in recovery for alcohol and sober for over a year, as was I. We connected over personal growth so I thought I there was some emotional maturity there. I saw so many good things and with how much she was interested in me, it was invigorating.

She got pregnant early on and it all changed. Coldness, pushing me away, and wanting space. I totally got it, pregnancy hormones, new-ish relationship. But it seemed extreme, like an abrupt coldness I couldn't quite figure out. So I complied and kept my space. On the couch I couldn't touch her, even if I accidentally grazed her it caused a problem. She would find reasons to fight or have an emotional breakdown, usually centered on our differing religious beliefs at the time where she would express so much fear that I would leave her or raise our child without her. I always reassured her we could work through anything, my commitment to her, and would have to calm her down. She never came over to my home as well. I always had to go to her, about a 45 min drive.

The rest of the pregnancy was pretty good. There were a few flashes of jealousy. I had dinner with my boss and her child at the time and she was extremely upset, more then I thought rational. But again I attributed the raised emotions to being pregnant, And that may have been the case. When I had other plans there was a lot, a lot of texting, and wondering why I didn't respond quickly. Even after I told her texting was not my preferred method of communication, she overruled that and insisted she needed to have constant contact with me. But I was fully present the entire pregnancy as best I could be.

I gave up basically everything and changed my entire life for her, and our baby. We got married 8 months after meeting, in October 2022. I left my city and moved in with her.  I changed my career as a personal trainer, gave up all my clients and wasn't sure what I was to do. She made much more $ then me. But would be upset when I would spend extra time doing odd-jobs to pay my bills because I did not want to rely on her financially but she always put me down for doing what she deemed as "beneath" me.

For our engagement, I didn't have a ton of money at the time and arranging to move cities I was trying to financially take care of some things to prepare. I bought a ring I could afford. She gave me the guidelines on what she liked and I bought her one I thought she would really like. At the time I didn't think this was too weird, but about a week later she asked me if she could buy herself the ring she REALLY wanted. And she asked me how much I could chip in for it. Obviously I couldn't do much, but she put it on credit and I said I'd help with the payments when I could.
She bought a ring that was 16X more expensive then the one I bought. She was happy, so I was happy. It didn't bother me really. But now I'm not sure if doing that is normal or something I should have been more concerned about.

She would get triggered by really odd things. Like me mentioning my previous marriage in reference to something or If we were having a conversation about them, if I used the word "WE" to refer to my ex-wife and I, it would trigger her so badly. She would get mad and pout. Like she didn't want to believe I was ever married before, but that was the reality. And weird because she had also been married before.

Anyways...

Over the last 6-8 months her mood and emotional disregulation has increased. I've seen the term "walking on eggshells" and I couldn't agree more with that being the way I feel. Because she also has OCD, things need to be certain ways. She gets overstimulated easily and is an HSP. She needs excessive time alone and very rarely wants to do things.
 
- She is an-avoidant, so spends much of her time working, studying, needs her space. When I express my needs for affection and intimacy in a calm conversation, at the right times, she just states how "needy" I am. How she's "trying" but I never feel like she's really hearing me. She accuses me of discouraging her endeavors out of selfishness. And now she feels like she can't even read around me becuase I'll just complain she's not paying attention to me. Which I've never once done.

- Work for her is a constant issue now. Always stressed, she had to switch locations she worked at because her "coworkers" and environment was toxic. She felt like they all hated her and were out to get her. So she was miserable for months, super emotional and tired all the time. So she switched to another location, but now complains about how much she works (4 days a week), it's too much, the commute is too long, she doesn't have enough time to herself to do self-care and rest. Even though all weekend we keep responsibilities to a minimum. We don't really ever do anything. But if it's for her, she will do it.
Meanwhile, I'm at home caring for our baby, and working as a real estate agent, and if I even mention I'm stressed or need some time she can't believe it because it's what she wants to do, completely resents that I get to be home more then her.
She got another job, and will work from home 2 days a week and at the office 2 days a week, and this is going to fulfill all her hopes and dreams supposedly. The missing link to her happiness.

- In the car she is always on her phone, no talking with me. I mentioned how this would be a great time for us to connect but is always shut down with how she has to get things done or "catch up". I'm not considered.

- Our daughter spilled a tea off my wifes nightstand, it almost got on her bookbag. It didn't. But when I told her that she might not want to leave glasses with water in them around because of what happened, I may have well told her her dog died. The response was so intense, she shut down and goes to bed. When I asked why, she just said that thinking about her stuff being ruined was too much for her and she couldn't handle it. But it didn't actually HAPPEN. It was the thought of it that took her down.

- She started making passive aggressive comments about me needing to help her more around the house, even though I work from home and take full time care of our 15 month old. If the laundry isn't done or dishes aren't completely done, she sulks for hours.

- She will ask me to do something and then immediately just do it. Like I wasn't going to do it anyways.

- In an emotional episode she has said she wanted to kill herself. Of course I took that very seriously.

- There are countless times when I will just catch her crying, sulking or in a bad mood. I'll ask what's wrong and how I can help but it's always the smallest thing. She's just looking for the consoling, the comfort. She'll cry close by so she knows I can hear and will come running. Me being an empath, wanting to help, is lured in. But I'm tiring of it and she's noticing I don't come running anymore and that's not used against me.

- One day I mentioned how cool it would be to live in Italy for a month or travel, just as way of conversation, sharing thoughts, you know, what normal people do... She took that to mean I hate our life here and want to get away and I'm miserable. She was distraught.

- We moved to TN to be closer to her family, so they could help with the baby a bit. I hadn't been back home (MA) to see friends  and family in over 2 years and it was like pulling teeth for us to book a trip to New England. She kept saying how much she didn't want to go and wish we would cancel. Then, her Mom got sick and we had to care for that anyways so we cancelled the whole trip and yet to reschedule, So I went alone on the trip 2 months ago, without my daughter who people would like to see/meet, just to regroup somewhat and get away.

- She's made a strict rule that my family can only stay for 3 days maximum at a time. If it's a day more, there will be multiple breakdowns over it. I even had to cancel a visit from my Dad because she was "stressed". But her family has come multiple times, no limit on time frame. Her Mom just stops by unannounced. And when her Mom was sick, she stayed here for 3 weeks! I was the one home all day taking the brunt of that. Her Mom is another story and similar in her mental illness.

I saw a post recently or a video about "reaction anger". That if my reaction to her abuse isn't what she wants, then she'll take it out on me or get emotional.
This happened the other day.
I was sending an email very briefly before leaving the house, we get in the car and in a very suspicious tone asks me what I was doing on my computer that was so important. This after asking who I'm texting mutliple times the days prior. I responded defensively and said I'm not going to talk about it because it's obvious she's phishing for something.
She didn't speak to me for hours after. Came home and went straight under the covers and cried. I asked what was wrong-we ended up in a fight. It's just been insane really.

I told her yesterday that I've never witnessed behavior like this before and I'm shutting down, becoming tired. I'm depressed. Don't care much about work right now. Feel unsure about our future and I'm honestly worrried about what she would do if we did split in regards to my daughter. I'm extremely worried about her.
She's made some comments that have me worried.

Every issue I bring up, she turns on me.

The gaslighting has begun and she thinks "everything I think is unreliable and faulty because I'm on a benzodiazpine", so she can just write off all my concerns and thoughts as crazy.
So yeah, I feel a little unheard and dismissed.

As the last example. We had a tough conversation yesterday morning.
I left to my in-laws for a while to get away and breathe. When I returned home I found 2 of my recent Journals spread open on the kitchen table. Open to certain pages. Waiting for me. These were in a drawer in my room, so she found them, read them, and then left them out for me to see. So Brazen!
I've never swore at her before but I did then. It's such a breach of trust and privacy and it makes me feel so violated. All feelings about our marriage and research I've been doing about BPD and Avoidant attachment etc..
Her reaction was indifference!!
She felt good about it. It was like I was looking at an insane person. She got what she needed and that gave her pleasure.
No remorse. Not even today, didn't even mention it. No sorry or fault. Unreal.
That was kind of the last straw.

I have stopped interacting with her completely. And thoughts of leaving are in my head, but my daughter and her needs come first so I have to figure that out.
So I'm in another bedroom basically locking myself away. I don't know what she's capable of honestly.

We have a marriage counseling session tomorrow morning for the first time and I'm not sure what that will be like. I am fuming, She's unwell. We'll see.

Is anything I mentioned consistent with BPD, NPD or something else? Is it just stress? I feel like the crazy one and feel for her and what she's dealing with internally. Obviously alot of fear about me leaving and abandonment is there from her youth. But I feel like a shell of myself. I constantly think about other relationships I've had and how different they were. This is an outlier.

In retrospect I wish I took more time to vet her, to get to know her. But the love bombing and then her getting pregnant effected the timeline and intentions quite a bit and now I'm locked in.

Wish she was like that woman I met the first few months, or even at times during our relationship but that seems like a longshot at this point for this to make it.

Thanks for reading !

Hi LukewarmHappy!

Welcome to the forum.  I'm really sorry to hear you are feeling overwhelmed and depressed.  I can definitely relate to some of your experiences.  I've been with my upwBPD for about four and a half years and started learning about BPD about a year ago.

When I first met her, she made my head spin!  Very affectionate, wonderful intimacy, very focused on me when we were together.  However early on I started noticing some strange behavior.  Getting what I would consider unreasonably angry at the drop of a hat.  Making claims that seemed strange.  She explained that she had depression and anxiety and that sometimes she just didn't "feel well".  We moved in together during COVID.  That's when I really started to see the behavior come out.  Demands that things be done a very particular way in the house, put downs about how I am a man and am not capable of doing anything right and need a woman to do everything for me.  She would get upset about sometimes I don't know what and scream at me then insist that we needed to break up.

The intense emotions and the "splitting" - being treated as the most valuable person one minute then her worst enemy the next, reminds me of what I experience.  I've also had a lot of problems with her not being able to respond to my needs.  For example, I've asked her to not talk about breaking up in the heat of the moment when we are working through a disagreement.  This immediately gets put back on me.  She says she needs to be able to express her emotions and not wrap them up in a pretty package for my delicate feelings.

I have gotten so much help and support from this forum.  The admins and other experienced folks on here have seen it all.  Great resources and recommendations.  I'd recommend working through the tools listed at the top of the page.  I'd also recommend reading "Walking on Eggshells" by Mason and Kreger as well as "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Manning.

I have learned that things can get better and that my response to my partner's behavior does matter.  I have learned that I need to focus on what my needs are and make sure I'm giving self care.  And I've learned that validating my partner's emotions, whenever appropriate, is super critical.

Hi Lukewarmhappy. I've been married to a BPD woman for over 20 years. Much of what you wrote is familiar. The beginning of the relationship with the love bombing and being swept up with the intensity of it all. Then the constant anger and put downs after we married. Worry about what will happen to the children if we split up. She's been texting all morning today threatening to call lawyers. She's threatened to commit suicide many many times. I wanted to talk a but about counceling. We have a had several councelors over the years. Typically they "figure it out" sooner for later. The men seem to pick it up faster than women. One guy had two sessions with us and at our first one on one he was like "yeah she's delusional ". But it's very important that you present yourself as emotionally stable as you can. If you go into session an emotional wreck the councelor may have trouble working out what's going on. Especially if the two of you are throwing accusations back and forth. If you can reduce the overall issue down to a short statement it helps.  For me it is "my wife experiences all negative emotions as hostility and anger towards me even (especially) when I have nothing to do with them". I know you already have the appointment but if the councelor is female you may want to have one on one sessions with a male councelor at the same place and allow them to compare notes. Once they figure it out my wife usually detects that and torpedoes the relationship. Last time with a female councelor she accused us of having an affair. So no more female councelors for us. I know this is a bit disjointed but I wanted to share the pitfalls I've experienced so maybe you don't run into them. Good luck friend. You aren't alone.

Thank you friend for those suggestions. That sounds like many challenges to overcome and continue to persevere through. I admire your strength.

We went to our first counseling session yesterday, an older female Therapist. It was intense and this was only 2 days after her reading through my journals so needless to say I had some left over resentment towards her and was trying to be calm and to the point. May have come off as callous though.
My wife accused me of having an affair and she wanted the truth. She felt like I was hiding things and felt justified going through my personal journal to find out anything (of which there isn’t anything). Her fear of abandonment and me leaving her is so intense right now.
I defended my feelings that I felt hurt about her going through the journals and her not apologizing for doing it. And the counselor immediately sided with her!! Saying that nothing in a marriage should be secret and why was I keeping a journal that my wife couldn’t read. I was dumbfounded.Talk about feeling like you’re going crazy.

Needless to say, after that I kind of checked out.

Later I made my needs clear that I wanted to try another counselor, and surprisingly she agreed where earlier in the day she wanted to stick with this lady. I was firm yet loving and she went along with my desire, which is to get to a better place together. So that was positive and we had a discussion that was good last night.

I just bought the book “I hate you, don’t leave me.” Yesterday.
And a book on narcissistic behavior. I just want to understand more so I can react better towards her while also taking care of myself.

Appreciate the post and support. Thank you!

Hi LukewarmHappy, just want to join in and welcome you to the group  :hi:

It's good to hear that both of you are open to counseling and also open to finding a good fit. Not every counselor has the experience or connection that works for a relationship. It's positive that your partner can both (a) go to therapy with you, and (b) find common ground with you about trying someone new. Pretty remarkable.

One major hurdle we often have to get past, when we come to realize that BPD may be in the mix, is our commitment to the idea that "if I can just explain myself better, that will resolve the conflict".

BPD isn't grounded in inadequate rational understanding of a situation -- rather, it could be considered an emotional disorder (some areas term it "Emotional Dysregulation Disorder" instead of BPD). pwBPD suffer from harmfully intense, widely and quickly swinging emotions, coupled with a weak or absent sense of self. It sounds like a terrifying existence: having overwhelming feelings but no sense of "they're my feelings so I can manage them".

Letting go of our need to justify ourselves, argue with the pwBPD, defend our actions, or explain the situation (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0), while unintuitive, can go a long way towards more effective communication and a more peaceful relationship with your loved one. In fact, when you have a chance, check out that link on "not JADE-ing" and let us know what stands out to you.

Part of the reason why those "normal" approaches aren't effective (and often escalate the situation) is that the pwBPD experiences them as invalidating (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0). They're trying to communicate an intense feeling in a low-skilled way (i.e., "I feel alone, afraid, and abandoned, which are big feelings... what could have caused such huge feelings... probably an affair, so he must be having an affair, so I'll say that"), and when we don't try to engage with the feelings behind their words, they often escalate in an effort to have their feelings heard.

Not intuitive stuff -- but so crucial if you're choosing to stay in the relationship.


While it's unlikely you'll experience that "honeymoon phase" again, what is under your control is improving your toolbelt and skills so that you can be the emotional leader in the relationship. It may not be easy or intuitive, but you have a lot of power to stop making things worse and make choices that make your life more livable.

Fill us in on how the new MC goes, and also your thoughts on the JADE-ing and invalidation articles;

kells76

Hi and welcome! I read everything here, these paragraphs at the end stood out to me and reignite with a lot of my own feelings in my relationship.

Much of what you are writing about is aligned with what you’ll hear about people with BPD or cluster B traits - so you’re not far off!  BPD is tricky man…

I’ve also done similar things with my BPD wife - like pulling away when they act obnoxious or say hurtful, mean things. Or do or say in appropriate things like look in your personal journal, then act like they had a right to do so! Or make you feel bad for your thoughts you wrote down in privacy.

The hardest part - if she is truly BOD - is that you’ll likely never get an apology or she will likely not recognize that HER going through your journal was actually the wrong thing.  This can cause resentment and a lot of anger in you.  I’ve dealt with similar things.

In its essence it’s what we’d call the blame shift. 

People with BPD have a really hard time recognizing their own behaviors (especially the bad ones).  They will rarely take accountability.  This can be extremely frustrating.  Just know you’re among people here that understand this.  Your anger and frustration is OK TO FEEL. 

The hardest times for me personally is after/during an episode or split when my wife immediately flips to a happy person in the other room (after lashing out at me) where I can hear her.   Talking cute to our animals then putting on a mean face and attitude toward me.  The jealous and frustration it causes in me I sometimes regret.  Coming to terms and recognizing where and why these feeling come from is key to helping yourself remain in control. 

It can be easy to lose control of your own feelings in the chaos. 

in my experience - what you’re going through.  Pulling away from her. Sleeping in different rooms.  The “fake breakup” I’ll call it.  Usually will escalate things further.  I’m guilty of pulling away too. So I get it. 

But with a person with BPD they are subconsciously  terrified of being abandoned.  They are convinced you will one day leave, cheat, betray them… etc.  and they will act as if you are when in fact you are not.  This is delusional and disconnected thinking.  It can be difficult to pull them out of that mindset when they are “split” on you.  And the more you try to show them they are wrong about their often incorrect or skewed thinking - the more they will escalate and convince themselves (and maybe you) that they’re thinking is right.

Ultimately what it leads to is you pulling away, thus reassuring and further convincing them that one day you will in fact leave (abandon) them. 

It’s a viscous cycle really.

Last - it’s unlikely that you’ll ever experience your wife as she was when you first met her.  Many of us are also desperate and yearning for that feeling / moment. 

I feel your pain and it’s Great you are getting into marriage therapy.  Hopefully your wife is able to recognize her behaviors and look to find healing.

You must also look to do the same.  The best thing you can do for your wife if she is truly BPD is to help validate and understand her feelings and ground her in a place she feels safe.  This doesn’t mean you accept abusive or toxic behaviors.

Trying to find the balance between making them feel validated and not allowing them to convince you delusional “feelings” are real is very tricky.  The person with BPD can truly believe  what they feel is actually reality, and trying to help pull them away from this will usually result in escalation.  Understanding the difference between our feelings, others feelings and ACTUALLY what was said or done (or will be done) is extremely difficult for a person with BPD. 

Staying with your wife requires massive empathy and understanding of this.  Simply put - unless she recognizes and starts to get help and heal she will continually live in a changing state (split) of bliss/happiness to paranoia, anger, sadness and frustration.

You can’t control her perspective or feelings / reactions.  The only thing you can control is yourself.  Remember this. 

Hope any of this is helpful and  I hope you and your wife are able to heal!

"I’ve also done similar things with my BPD wife - like pulling away when they act obnoxious or say hurtful, mean things. Or do or say in appropriate things like look in your personal journal, then act like they had a right to do so! Or make you feel bad for your thoughts you wrote down in privacy.

The hardest part - if she is truly BOD - is that you’ll likely never get an apology or she will likely not recognize that HER going through your journal was actually the wrong thing.  This can cause resentment and a lot of anger in you.  I’ve dealt with similar things."

--Thank you for your response Tokiarch. Made my feelings seem relatable and not like I'm alone. Appreciate that. Sorry you've been through some of the same experiences.

With the above statement it is happening just the way you described. Not taking responsibility AT ALL. She did say if she "knew it would have hurt me, she wouldn't have done it." But that's not a true apology. When I shared the breach that caused she's almost dumbfounded I would take it so seriously. And that I haven't felt I received a real apology made her head spin and try to talk over me repeatedly.

I'm trying to let go of the resentment but it's still present and I'm not going out of my way to be extra affectionate or close right now. I can't. That's triggering her "abandonment" fear so badly, asking what I'm doing, where my work meetings are, who will be there etc...thinking there's a liason I'm meeting.
It's is also triggering her thinking that I don't want to be married to her / cheating etc. Her biggest fear.

So exactly what you mentioned, these fears and suspicions and her actions have pushed me away because now I feel my privacy as an adult man has been breached and she's invading so hard.

She wants so bad to for us to be ok- so she can feel better. I reassured her the evening after marriage counseling that I am not going anywhere, I am here, and we will work on this and I love her. She seemed reassured and kept saying how it felt I was leaving her or wanted to divorce her. I told her that is not the case at all.
The very next morning she seemed "extra" sexual, wanting to bridge that gap in almost a plea of "I want you to stay, I will do anything you want." (We've had many conversations about that just not being as present in our relationship as I would like over the last year and half).

The good dealings with each other lasted the next couple days which culminated in a date Friday night to dinner, had a nice time. On the way home I asked how she felt we were doing. She said she's not quite there yet and a lot needs to be worked on. I agreed we have some things to work on. The rest of the conversation consisted of her saying how she felt I was "focusing too much" on her reading my journal and the things written in it are what's concerning and she can't get it out of her head, along with a recent mistake I made. (ruining her ideal of this perfect person she had of me). She can't get past it, minimized her actions and acted like my feelings shouldn't play a role whatsoever. It's all my fault.

I just continue to feel crazy for hearing the things I'm hearing.

Being around here feels like such a struggle right now, not sure what will set her off and waiting for the next "conversation" about my faults, how I'm not doing enough or a sensitive reaction to some innocent comment I make. Seeing her walk around the house sullen and downcast and to herself.

Being regular and myself at the house gets taken that I don't care about her needs. If I'm not all encompassing in my adoration and affection for her. Which at this time, I physically can't and don't want to do. I feel violated from the journal incident and there's certainly frustration from her not fully owning up to that violation.

We have MC tomorrow and hoping it will be productive. I understand right now there's tension and being around each other won't feel "comfortable".

In anyone's experience, should you feel tremendous anxiety and like you've given up big parts of yourself to cater to this persons wild emotions and even at times take them on?

I'm doing everything in my power not to run. Not to blow-it-up. But I have no desire to be around her right now and I think will need some time to get there and back to us.
Trying to be as respectful, empathetic, validating as I can for her and her thoughts. The more I learn about BPD and possible NPD (of which I see a lot of examples of in her behavior) I get more discouraged.

Not gonna lie, this is hard.

Wow, LukewarmHappy, I am so in the same boat as you. I hear your frustration, hurt and resentment.

I married a man rather quickly after my first husband passed away. I guess the major attention was the solution to my grief. Boy, what a mistake! My life has been one big roller coaster ride. Some days I feel totally crazy. Others feel “normal.” My first marriage was to my high school sweetheart and we were married over 20 years. It was a healthy, successful marriage so I was naive to think if you love each other marriage is easy. Ha!

My biggest advice is to learn how to set boundaries. Given my naïveté I did not. We’ve been married 27 years now and I still question why I’ve stuck it out. But I also recognize that I haven’t been exactly lily white in our relationship. I respond in probably all the wrong ways to his split second anger bursts, yelling and projecting his feelings on to me so I feel crazy.

So please set boundaries and learn not to let “episodes” totally derail you. Others here have had success so I hear it’s possible.

hi lukewarmhappy and welcome,
i’m sure you will find lots of support and advice here. i relate too much of what you said, although i am in a lesbian marriage, my wife birthed all our 3 small children. it’s been a difficult time (well the whole relationship has actually). the best book i read was “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist”. i’ve listened to the audiobook in my car again and again over the past couple of years. i know you will be learning so much already. there are things you can control and things you can’t, but i believe things you can control can improve your life and your marriage. my advice of course is to learn validation (stop being invalidating being the biggest caretaker challenge as we are wonderful reassuring individuals). set boundaries. stop bending over backwards to please her or follow any ridiculous rules you don’t believe in. she will push back like a child but you have to stand firm in the same way. finally, look after yourself. i started talking to myself kindly telling myself im doing the best i can and that really helped rather than the voice that always told me i wasn’t good enough cos my wife said so. i wish you all the best on this journey.