BPDFamily.com

Hi y’all,

My boyfriend and I are 26 and almost 26, we’ve been together for nearly two years. The first year was fantastic, we were and are still long distance but we frequently did long visits. Things very quickly deteriorated when he moved back in with his mom in his home state. He’s closer but he’s far less happy. He moved back because he ran out of work and money and got a major health issue that took awhile to resolve. I have a great job in a newish career, I’m trying to get my heels in, he’s adamant that I need to move to him, not the other way around. I understand it a bit, we’re trans and the anti trans laws where I live are unfortunate. So I agreed that once I’ve been with my company for a year I’ll move. That’s no longer good enough he needs me to move sooner, and then that’s not good enough either he needs me to convert to judaism (even though when we met he had just converted and he discussed how he was totally fine having an agnostic partner), and that’s not good enough either he needs me to allow an open sexual relationship, and then that’s not good enough either i need to have been born with a penis. I feel like he’s pushing me away harder and harder but , last time we met up we discussed this. I said if he needed sex with other people then that’s the end of it, he was incredibly upset and rescinded a lot of what he said.

He’s been diagnosed, he’s had a psychiatrist since middle school and he used to go to therapy. Recently he’s switched meds (he stopped taking his old ones) and I urged him to see a therapist since his behavior was effecting his friendships as well. I just found out his therapist is a social activist with no credentials who legally can’t offer therapy so the sessions are called “advice” :( . 

He talks about doing in patient or outpatient. I wanted him to begin this months ago since his insurance will run out soon when he turns 26. He’s decided to wait until a few weeks after his birthday when his work contract is up - a job that he himself has described as a dead end.

I just don’t understand what I need to be doing anymore. I don’t know if he’s attracted to me, if he enjoys my company, if he thinks about me only when he’s lonely or bored.

From the outside my friends think I’m crazy for staying and most of them stay he just doesn’t like me but keeps me around since he’s pushed his friends away. I don’t think that’s true but I don’t know what IS true.


I don’t know if i want advice or anything I just am so tired of not knowing what i did wrong or what I was supposed to know to do etc

Hi and welcome :hi:

Do you know if he's been diagnosed with BPD?

If so, people with BPD can struggle with cognitive distortions which affect their ability to think logically. This may explain his behavior and requests of you that you find confusing.

Likely, you didn't do anything wrong and you shouldn't worry about what you were "supposed to do". As long as you think logically about your own actions from an outsider's perspective, that's what counts because the pwBPD's mind may not be thinking logically about the situation.

Being in a relationship with a pwBPD is a special needs type of relationship, see here (https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship). It requires a strong sense of self, integrity, etc. and not to be taken lightly. Check out the Tips menu at the top of the page and let us know if you have any questions, thoughts.

Hi LampBee,

Hello and welcome to the site. It does sound like he's already been diagnosed so you know that much. Many of us never know. To me it sounds like an awful lot of challenges with the job situation and religion. The job is one thing, and it sounds like you've got a good one, and that is very generous of you to offer to move after a year so you must really love him. On the other hand, him asking you to change religions is in my opinion a much more difficult step and infringes upon your personal freedoms.

Just my humble opinion, you are facing a ton of challenges with this relationship, with potentially life altering choices, and you will definitely want to read up on the material on this site to help you understand the BPD mind better to make sure you're at your best when communicating.

Good luck!