BPDFamily.com

Hello all,
I am 46 y.o. woman and my mother has BPD. I am her only child and she is currently in treatment for stage 4 cancer. She has alienated everyone in her life (friends and family) and is completely alone except for me. I am struggling to maintain my own sanity and health while being a responsible only child to an aging, sick mother who frequently threatens suicide, attacks me verbally, and just generally creates drama and drain in my life. Is there an in-person or zoom support group for people with parents with BPD? I am seeing a therapist weekly but feel the need for additional support. Thanks in advance.

Hello Mijita and a warm welcome to the boards  :hi:

When an aging and/or ailing parent also has BPD, that's exceptionally difficult. Often the expectations about how you should be acting can feel painful and like people don't really understand the reality of the situation. We do get it here; these are such difficult situations.


Yes; check out  the National Educational Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder (NEABPD)'s "Family Connections" programs (https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/family-connections-programs/). They have one for BPD, and one for suicidality. The waitlist may be longer for the BPD groups (I've been waitlisted for ~5 months already) than the suicidality groups. My understanding is they meet via Zoom and will be more skills-based (there is homework) than venting or co-rumination based.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) may offer in person groups in your area; take a look at their support groups page (https://www.nami.org/support-education/support-groups/) to see the options.

Both NEABPD and NAMI are reputable groups, so I hope one or both of those gets you started in a helpful direction.

...


It sounds like your father is not in the picture -- is that correct?

Thank you kells76 for the links to resources. I will check them out! My father is in my life but has been divorced from my mother since about 1980. He has no contact with her and hasn't for most of my life. He has been in and out of my life, not very parental, and started a new family in 1983, which is his main focus. He is sympathetic but not particularly helpful in any practical kind of way.

Are you in the US? ( don't give exact location- just which country is fine- as resources can vary in different countries)

Yes I am in California

I am sorry to hear about your mother. I think that specific group meetings for parents with BPD are not common- the resources Kells suggested can help with those. I don't have access to one of them but other resources have been helpful. Counseling has been an important one and you have that set up.

ACA 12 step groups deal with dysfunction in families. The dynamics in a family where a parent is an alcoholic are similar to where there is a parent with BPD. The focus of these groups are not as much about the parent but about these dynamics- boundaries, how to deal with feeling obligated. I have found them to be helpful.

My mother with BPD does not have a terminal illness but due to her age and some chronic conditions, she qualified for Hospice. Hospice provides other support for the person- such as a social worker, nurse visits and others. I have found it helpful to know these services are in place for my mother. Whether or not your mother is choosing curative care or palliative care will determine if she qualifies for Hospice services- it's her choice or her medical provider's recommendation.

Power of Attorney and Medical POA- if you are the closest family member, it will help if your mother sets these up so that you can act on her behalf if necessary. One thing I didn't realize is that some banks, IRS, social security- want their own POA's. If your mother is well enough to go to the bank, and the social security office, and IRS one with you to get these forms signed it could be helpful. With social security- if you only need information- if she has an online account- and you know the user name and password- that will work too.

Finances- if finances are an issue, your mother may qualify for Medicaid services. A social worker can help with this. If there are assets- an elder law attorney is helpful. There are pros and cons to having your name on your mother's bank account. If there are assets, they can be considered as yours when deciding on financial aid for college age children and also be considered in a divorce. The pros are-you can assist your mother with paying her bills from her account if she needs help. If there are assets, an elder care attorney can advise you as to what options are best for your situation.

That's the "to do" ideas. With BPD, you may or may not get your mother's cooperation. Mine didn't cooperate- but eventually in a crisis situation, allowed me to step in to help.

Many communities have adult children taking care of elderly parent groups. I would suggest joining one of them as they have speakers about resources, caregiver support. Even if you aren't your mother's primary caregiver, you are next of kin and this support could be helpful. BPD may make helping your mother  complicated, but being a support to an elderly parent also has situations in common with parents that don't have BPD.

I hope these ideas help. They aren't all specific to BPD or for your own support- but having other support in place for your mother helps you so that you don't feel you are the only one with the responsibility. You may not ever need to use a POA but it helps to have it in place. It's not been possible to plan or be proactive with my mother. She is legally competent to make her own decisions and does so. So they have only come into use during emergency situations.